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It seems to me that there is some ineffable pull to The Bad Lesbian Movie, one that you know is going to be poorly made but will probably contain at least a few sapphic makeout scenes and maybe some amusing (if not vaguely offensive) stereotypes. For connoisseurs of such films, their less-than-attractive qualities are a known quantity, and yet, we watch them anyway. 

I’ve written about this phenomenon before. In my experience, lesbian and bisexual viewers often evaluate lesbian films using a different scale than they might use to evaluate non-lesbian or queer films. Some of these films have very few redeeming qualities (the “bad-but-bad” as I’ve called them), while others are charming despite their obvious compositional flaws (the “bad-but-good”). I remain interested in how we might consider lesbian films using simplistic adjectives like “good” or “bad,” as reductive as these words may be. I think there’s room for wiggling here, if you will, especially since everyone’s definitions of these terms are different.

Perhaps it was this ineffable pull – from both the emotional and scholarly parts of my brain – that led me to sit down and watch a low-budget lesbian film a few nights ago, one that I knew would be bad but still felt was the right thing to watch in that moment. The movie in question is the 2015 film Alto, which is all about Italian American stereotypes, the Mafia, and, of course, lesbian love. I can’t say I would actually recommend the film to anyone, but perhaps my consideration of its merits (of which there are few) and its weaknesses (of which there are many) might satiate any desire you have to watch the film yourself.¹

Alto follows Frankie, an Italian American singer and musician trying to connect with her heritage. It’s important to note here that Frankie is played by Diana DeGarmo, the runner-up on Season 3 of American Idol. (If nothing else, it at least means that Frankie has an impressive singing voice.) Frankie becomes engaged to her boyfriend, Tony (Jake Robards), whose dream is to start a frozen food line. Frankie is thrown off balance when she meets the alluring Nicolette (Natalie Knepp), the daughter of a recently inaugurated Mafia don. 

To give you a sense of how the film moves along plot-wise, Frankie meets Nicolette after she finds a body in the trunk of the car her bandmate rents for a gig, and her sister Heather, who is obsessed with the mob, convinces Frankie to go to the funeral of the guy in the trunk. Nicolette, who is an event planner of some sort, has ostensibly planned the mobster's funeral and also immediately hits on Frankie upon meeting her. While the film basically opens with a dead body, there is also no sense of actual danger here, because mob guys (and gals) are just like us.

According to the film’s director, Mitch Del Monico, a trans man who was in the process of transitioning while making the film, Alto is all about authenticity and being yourself. The moral of the film is rather hilariously illustrated, as Frankie’s biggest struggle with her growing attraction to Nicolette is not what it means for her sexuality, but the fact that Nicolette has such close ties to the mob. Things become increasingly complicated for Frankie when she finds out her father (David Valcin) has been “in the life” this whole time but never told her. Insistent on only portraying Italian Americans in a positive light, Frankie also refuses to take a job on a mob show called Mob Hit, an opportunity that Nicolette is insistent she take. Meanwhile, Frankie’s sister (Melanie Minichino) is obsessed with the Mafia and slept with Nicolette’s father (Billy Wurth), Frankie’s mother (Annabella Sciorra) is sleeping with her Japanese instructor, and Tony keeps making Frankie try disgusting frozen food. 

Like most poorly made lesbian films, the film is just bursting with unnecessary side characters and secondary plots. The composition is unpleasant to look at, and the lighting is kind of atrocious. Nonetheless, there are moments of absurdity that make it at least watchable. Nicolette – a classic “lesbian lothario” character – is introduced in the silliest way possible. In one of the opening scenes, we see Nicolette standing behind a woman in a bakery who is kneading bread, while Nicolette kneads her…you know what. Two guys walk in on them and you half expect them to say something like “mamma mia!” but sadly, they do not. One of the FBI agents trying to take down the mob – yet another subplot – is a lesbian, and she actually ends up with the bread-baking woman by the end of the film. Mamma Mia, indeed.

Nicolette and Frankie’s relationship develops almost exactly how you would expect. Frankie first discovers Nicolette is gay when she walks in on her having sex with a woman in the bathroom at her show, and, later, they make out while the lasagna is in the oven. Like so many lesbian films of this ilk, all of the makeout scenes feel incredibly sudden and unexpectedly aggressive. There is no time for foreplay when you’re making a lesbian film on a budget. 

While there are no actual sex scenes in the film, (again, no time!), there is a very sensual scene involving a harp. Frankie comes over to Nicolette’s house drunk one night (where she lives with her mob boss father, of course), and they sit down together by the harp. Nicolette leans over Frankie to play, and weaves their fingers together so Frankie can get in on the action. It’s like the famous scene in Ghost, but with a harp and a budget of three dollars. That is how lesbians have sex, after all.

It can be hard to evaluate what exactly makes a film (especially of the lesbian variety) good or bad, but I think Alto gives us some good examples. Even when a film is poorly made in many respects, we (as in sapphics) might be compelled to watch it if there is good chemistry between the two leads, or if we can find something in the relationship to root for. To put it simply, one or two alluring women can go a long way. Natalie Knepp certainly fulfills that role in the film and Diana DeGarmo, well – she can certainly sing! 

On the negative side, there are plenty of characteristics that might put a film like this in the “bad” category, many of which apply to Alto. The film certainly falls into the “too many subplots” trap, and many of the compositional issues associated with low-budget filmmaking are clearly present as well. For queer people, the worst offense for films like these is a bad ending – one that ends in tragedy or death, for example – and thankfully, Alto doesn’t deliver on that trope. In fact, the ending of the film is extremely positive, as Frankie decides to take the job on Mob Hit, the respective families seem to accept this new lesbian relationship, and the FBI is unable to make a case against the mob. Literally everyone wins. (Even the lesbian FBI agent and her new mob-adjacent baker girlfriend.)

Maybe it’s some sort of brain damage, but I actually wanted to live in the world of this movie for a little longer. Despite its aforementioned cheapness, I was charmed by the goofy Italian American stereotypes, and I was rooting for Frankie and Nicolette, even if they need to learn to slow down a little. And maybe that’s why I (and others) keep watching films like this. I can’t deny that I have a desire for lesbian content in any form, and, sometimes, these absurd tropes can be amusing. Maybe there’s also a hint of masochism here (though I can only speak for myself in that regard), but there are also so many low-budget lesbian films out there that we can hardly be blamed for sampling a few of them. 

If you catch me streaming Diana DeGarmo’s music later, please don’t call me out on it. Sometimes you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.