Gawker - You don’t need a swimsuit

All of them

Many of us are currently suffering under the kind of heat that feels capable of sizzling the sweat off your body, leaving only the salt. When we are not turned into human lithium mines, we are something worse: sticky. The only possible response for those who are able is to escape. Ideally to the sea, or failing that, the lake, the river, the creek, the pool, or the hose.

Ah! You are surely thinking. What a good idea! If only I had remembered to buy a swimsuit this year. I must check and see if Old Navy still has anything.

Wrong! You do not need to buy a swimsuit. For years Big Swimsuit has inculcated this delusion in our minds, to our detriment and their gain. They have played us for absolute fools. Continue reading

Worst movie I've ever seen

Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch is the worst movie that has ever been made. I’m telling you this because I consider us quite close.

The film is interminable. It is as if a pop-up book about building façades were optioned by a studio whose only note was that the pop-up book had too much plot. It is as if Wes Anderson correctly decided each of the film’s inchoate vignettes were not enough to sustain an entire feature film, and then incorrectly decided that smooshing them together was enough to sustain an entire feature film as long as they were all set in France for no reason. It is available to stream on HBO Max and I urge you in the strongest terms to not watch it. Please, do not even seek out confirmation that it exists. Continue reading

He may be a ghost but he took her to Italy

It must be hard for Jennifer Garner to see her ex-husband Ben Affleck looking so happy on his Parisian honeymoon with his new wife, Mrs. Jennifer Lynn “J.Lo” Affleck. Sure, Garner dumped the guy seven years ago. And sure, she is probably grateful she no longer has to care about him doing stuff like falling asleep on a boat or crying for no reason in a restaurant. But still: Seeing J.Lo’s constant Reformation sponcon in Paris can’t be easy. Which is probably why someone called Us Weekly to tell them about Garner’s ghost boyfriend John Miller again.

Though they are almost never photographed together and no one has been able to confirm he’s a real person, Garner has reportedly been dating Miller, a “robotic burger chain CEO,” since 2018. In May, a source told Us Weekly that Garner and Miller’s children had met for the first time at Garner’s 50th birthday party (no photos) and it went well. This morning, another surely different source told the tabloid that Garner and Miller’s families are actually quite close now. Maybe even closer than the Affleck kids are to J.Lo’s twins! Continue reading

There are several compelling similarities

Euphoria actor Sydney Sweeney and football player Tom Brady — on the surface, it may not seem like these rising stars have much in common at all. I’ve never seen Tom Brady act in Euphoria, for example. And I’ve never seen Sydney Sweeney downplay her relationship with a good friend right when that good friend needs her love and kisses the most, due to how that friend is involved in various crimes. And yet a new profile from the Hollywood Reporter shows these two ingénues might not be so different after all …

“She has just flown down from Boston to New York, where she’s spending several months in production for Marvel’s Madame Web movie,” says the Hollywood Reporter of Sydney Sweeney. Well, well, well. This isn’t what we’re here to discuss, but it seems the almighty has rewarded us with even more than one way Sydney Sweeney is the new Tom Brady. Continue reading