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Good morning, and thanks for spending part of your day with Extra Points. As somebody with no attachment whatsoever to either program, I have to admit, my first reaction to seeing Miami, as a 26 point favorite, lose to Middle Tennessee State was "this is very funny." After all, MTSU had literarily never beaten a team ranked in the AP Top 25 before. Miami is the school with the billionaire dropping NIL bags, the mystique, the expectations...and Middle Tennessee State is a directional school that doesn't even have a proper direction in their name. So these upsets are hilarious. But what is even funnier is that it turns out that Middle Tennessee State is 3-0 all time against Miami. The Hurricanes have never beaten the Blue Raiders. Also, they're apparently 0-2 against Western Kentucky, which is also very funny. It's not shocking that there would be some terrible losses in the annuals of Miami Hurricanes football history. Sure, the program was a national power in the 80s, 90s and early 2000s, but big time college football wasn't really a thing in Florida before the 1950s. But I honestly didn't know that Middle Tennessee State University existed in the 1930s, let alone that they were traveling to Florida to play college football games. That Miami, one of the 25 winningest programs in college football history, is 0-5 against directional Kentuckys and Tennessees, is very funny. But it got me thinking...surely other schools have similar stories, no? So I pulled out my College Football Encyclopedia, fired up Winspedia and Sports Reference, and got to looking. Here are, to the best of my knowledge, the funniest teams each Power 5 school has never beaten. Stick with me here, I know this a long one, but you'll want to bookmark this the next time you want to make fun of somebody. AlabamaAlabama has won more bowl games than any other school. By every conceivable metric, they've been one of the most consistently excellent programs in all of college football history. They have winning records against Ohio State, USC, every single SEC team, and almost every power program ever. But Alabama is 0-1 against Northern Illinois. They're 0-1 against UCF. And most importantly...they're 0-3 against Rice. That's why the only processed carbohydrates Nick Saban messes with come in Little Debbie boxes. The man must be terrified of Rice. ArizonaThe Wildcats are o-2 against Tulsa, 0-2 against Fresno State, and 0-4 against Rice. Arizona StateConsider this...Arizona State is winless against Miami OH (0-1), Eastern Michigan (0-1) and Abilene Christian (0-1). On the plus side, it doesn't look like they've ever played Rice. ArkansasThe Pigs are 0-1 against San Jose State, 0-1 against Toledo, 0-1 against Western Kentucky, and 0-1 against something called Dallas Medical. In other news, here's an unrelated picture of a pig hat. Auburn For a program famous for being generally unpredictable and chaotic, Auburn's library of mid-major infamy is surprisingly small. The Tigers are undefeated against MAC and MWC opponents, after all. But they are 0-1 against USF, 0-2 against the dastardly Rice Owls, and a combined 0-4 against Marquette, George Washington and Davidson, all schools that no longer sponsor FBS football. BaylorBaylor may be an excellent program now, but they were pretty terrible for a long time, so there's all sorts of lopsided historical W-L records against power programs (don't google the series against Texas, for example). The Bears are also 0-2 against UConn, 0-1 against Liberty and 0-2 against UAB. Boston CollegeThe Eagles are o-1 against the Ohio Bobcats, 0-1 against the Nevada Wolfpack, and most importantly, 0-5 against Brown. Also, they have a losing record against Phillips Andover Academy, which is a high school for impossibly rich people. Winning record against Alabama though! (3-1). This sport is stupid. CalCal actually has notched at least one win against every modern mid-major opponent they've played except Tulane and SMU, and there isn't anything especially hilarious about being a combined 0-2 against those programs. Cal is winless against programs like the Alameda Coast Guard, Del Monte Pre-Flight, and something called "Commercial Club." That's much funnier. ClemsonLil' ol Clemson doesn't have a lot of especially embarrassing losses in the history books. They're 0-1 against Marshall, 0-1 against South Florida and 0-1 against Army, but you really have to dig in football's Paleolithic era to find the truly shocking box scores. Dig back far enough, and you'll see that Clemson is 0-1 against Oglethorpe, 0-1 against Georgia Navy Pre-Flight, and 0-3 against the famous Praying Colonels of Centre College. ColoradoColorado is probably the worst team in the P5 this year, and if they lined up, I think multiple FCS teams could beat them. Historically though, the Buffs don't have a ton of teams they haven't beaten, in part because they haven't scheduled that many mid-majors. Colorado is winless against Toledo and Tulane, but the funnier examples are further back...schools like Cal St.-Sacramento and the University of Chicago. They're also 0-15 against USC all-time, but I don't know if that's funny or frustrating. DukeAs you might expect, Duke's record against many P5 programs is absolutely brutal. They're 0-23 against Florida State, and they're well under .500 in ACC play. That makes it hard to find something that's actually funny...but the Blue Devils are 0-2 against UConn. FloridaThe Gators are 0-1 against Indiana, but they've avenged most of their other most embarrassing losses. However, Florida is a whopping 0-4 against Villanova. The most interesting story is whether Florida beat the Cuban Athletic Club. The entire story is worth its own Extra Points newsletter, but here's a brief Wiki overview of the ill-fated Bacardi Bowl: The second game, which pitted the Gators against the Cuban Athletic Club of Havana a few days later, was never finished. Florida head coach George E. Pyle realized during the first quarter that the game was being officiated using college football's pre-1906 rules, and while discussing this issue with the officials, he discovered that the head referee was the former coach of his opponent. Feeling that playing under those conditions was neither fair nor safe, Pyle pulled his team off the field and was promptly arrested for violating a Cuban law prohibiting a game's suspension after spectators' money had been collected. A trial was scheduled and Pyle was released on bail that evening, at which point he and the Gators quickly boarded a steamship for Tampa, an escape which caused the coach to be branded a "fugitive from justice" by Cuban authorities.
Bacardi Bowl officials declared that Florida had forfeited the game and listed it as a 1–0 win for the Cuban Athletic Club, while the University of Florida declared the contest a 1-0 forfeit win for the Gators.
GO GATA Florida StateThe Noles have been dominant against most opponents they've faced....except out West. Florida State is a combined 0-4 against Wyoming, Boise State and San Diego State. They actually have a losing record against the entire Mountain West, which is funny when you realize that they're 37-6 against the Big Ten. They're also 0-1 against UTEP, which I know is in Conference USA, but is in the Mountain Time Zone. GeorgiaSecond most bowl victories ever. Top 15 winningest program ever. Winless against Miami OH, Navy and Holy Cross. Georgia TechWinless against Northern Illinois, Fresno State and Carnegie Mellon. IllinoisIllinois is winless in single meetings against Eastern Michigan, Hawaii, Navy, USF, UTSA and 0-2 against Louisiana Tech and Fresno State. Indiana
The Hoosiers have lost nearly 700 college football games in their illustrious history, so their Winspedia profile does have a lot of red. The funniest potential note here is that the Hoosiers have a losing record against every Power Five league...EXCEPT the SEC, where they are 33-26-3. In addition to dreadful records against most power conference opposition, Indiana is winless against Xavier, Fordham, Detroit, Harvard, and something called Indianapolis Light Artillery. IowaThe Hawkeyes are a good 50 games under .500 in Big Ten play, but they've mostly avoided hilarious 0-fors against lightly regarded opposition, and they've typically avenged those defeats when they did happen. Iowa is, however, winless against Physicians & Surgeons, Centenary and something called a Doane. Iowa StateThey're a hundred games under .500 against Big 12 and Big Ten opponents, and have a losing record against every power conference...but the Cyclones have usually gotten revenge on the smaller schools that upset them. They're currently winless against Louisiana-Lafayette and New Mexico State, along with Villanova, who does not play FBS football anymore. KansasPeople forget this, but Kansas football wasn't always the unstoppable juggernaut that you see today. Historically, Kansas has yet to notch a win against Ohio (0-3!), Bowling Green, Coastal Carolina (0-3!) or Army. They do have winning records against USC and Oregon though! Kansas StateFor a team as historically futile as Kansas State, a program with a losing record against every P5 conference AND the AAC (and they're barely over .500 against the MWC), the Wildcats have almost no embarrassing winless marks. They are 0-2 against Army and 0-2 against Frenso State, but neither of those marks are that funny. An 0-3 historical mark against Northern Iowa, however, is. KentuckyKentucky seems to struggle against other traditional basketball powers. They're 0-4 against Duke, 0-3-1 against Kansas, and winless against Syracuse, Pitt and Boston College. Then again, they're also 0-2 against Northwestern....so....maybe basketball success doesn't mean anything. LouisvilleWinless against Miami OH, Air Force, Louisiana Tech and Indiana. They're also a staggering 0-13 against Xavier, a Big East school without a football team. LSUWinless against Cincinnati, Army, Rutgers AND Maryland...and also Santa Clara. MarylandZero wins against Marshall, Miami OH, Northwestern and Alexandria Episcopal HS. We also already did Miami, so let's skip to MichiganTechnically, the program has more wins all-time than anybody else. Except against Toledo (0-1). Or Kansas State (0-1). Or Wesleyan (0-1, plus tens of thousands of waitlisted Michigan students). Technically, if you count the Toledo War, Michigan is 0-2 against Toledo. Michigan StateWinless against Colorado State, Louisiana Tech, BYU, Army, Creighton and Marietta. MinnesotaMore respectable than you'd think. The Gophers actually have a winning record against Alabama, Texas, Clemson, Oregon and Washington. The only current FBS mid-major to have an undefeated record against them is Hawaii. In prehistoric times, Minnesota is winless against just Iowa Navy Pre-Flight and Chicago Naval Reserve. If you want to make fun of Minnesota, you'll just have to think of something else. Mississippi State0-3 against Indiana, winless against the Air Force, and 0-5 against Georgia Tech...but that's about it, unless you want to count that 0-1 record against Cal Poly-Pomona. Missouri Weirdly 0-6 against Maryland? Also winless against Temple and Fordham. Nebraska Winless against Duke, BYU, Georgia Southern, the Carlisle Indian School, Saint Louis, and modernity. North CarolinaWinless against USF in two tries, and Rice in one. Also, they're 0-7 against Yale, and winless against Harvard and Princeton over multiple tries. North Carolina StateAkron is currently undefeated against NC State. So is Wyoming (2-0!), Manhattan and George Washington. NorthwesternNorthwestern is the only FBS program that I know of that lost to a highway. Via the CS Monitor: LORE has it that after yet another drubbing of Northwestern in the 1970s, some wit ventured out to the highway near campus and altered a sign to read: ''Interstate 94, Northwestern 0.''
Also, Northwestern is winless against Akron, New Hampshire, something called the Denver Athletic Club, and geography. Notre DamePeople forget this, but Notre Dame is winless against UConn. Ohio StateAs a graduate of The Ohio State University and a native son of central Ohio, I have to push back on the very idea here of an Ohio State loss being funny, because all Ohio State losses are in fact catastrophes. However, the Buckeyes are winless against Air Force, South Carolina and Cornell. OklahomaOklahoma has beaten an awful lot of college football teams. But they've never beaten Navy, Indiana, Illinois, BYU or George Washington. Oklahoma StateA surprisingly clean sheet. The only current G5 team to be undefeated against Oklahoma State is Air Force. In the old timey era though? That list includes Oklahoma City HS, Duquesne, William & Mary, and my personal favorite, 'Tulsa Businessmen." Ole MissNo wins against Wyoming, Temple, UTEP, BYU, Georgetown or Drake. OregonWinless in two tries against Wake Forest. A surprising 0-3 against Boise State, and goose eggs against Harvard and Fordham. Oregon StateUndefeated against Notre Dame. Very defeated against every P5 conference and the AAC. Winless against Grambling, Portland State and Cal St.-Long Beach. Penn StateThe only current G5 program with an unblemished mark against Penn State is Toledo. Back in the day, that list would also include Yale (who is 7-0!), Columbia, and the Steelton YMCA, who I hear is demanding another game. PittWinless against Iowa State, Hawaii, Air Force, Shady Side Academy and something called Latrobe AC, who I think plays soccer in Italy's third division. PurduePurdue is a combined 0-8 against Navy, Northern Illinois, Hawaii and Bowling Green. RutgersThey're a horrific 25-90 against fellow Big Ten opponents, have a losing record against the MWC, and they're well south of .500 against every power league...but they're surprisingly short on embarrassing winless opponents. Unless you want to count Washington & Jefferson (0-3), Williams, (0-2), or the Jefferson Medical College (0-1). South CarolinaWinless against Hawaii (0-2), Indiana, Northwestern and the Augusta YMCA StanfordStanford is winless against East Carolina, because ECU is a better school than Stanford. SyracuseWinless in two tries against Bowling Green. Winless in one against Middle Tennessee State. Winless in eleven against Yale. TCUHave to stretch here, since TCU has avenged all of their shocking G5 losses at least once. But the Horned Frogs are still winless against Northwestern St, the Haskell Indian Nations, Fordham, and Decatur Baptist College. TennesseeZero wins against Purdue, BYU, Virginia Military Institute and Dartmouth. TexasWinless against Northwestern, Air Force, Chicago and Harvard. Texas A&MThe Aggies are 0-2 against Temple, winless against Wake Forest and Cincinnati...and of course...Appalachian State. Texas TechNo wins against ECU, USF, San Jose State or Miami OH. UCLANo wins against Cincinnati, Baylor, Wyoming, Los Angeles Hollywood HS OR Bakersfield HS. USCThe Trojans are winless against Memphis, Kansas, Kansas State and the San Diego YMCA, who I hear is also trying to join the Big Ten. UtahWinless in four tries against Houston, three against Army, and FIVE against the Salt Lake City YMCA...which I assume was just a churchball team? VanderbiltThe 'Dores have never defeated a Pac-12 opponent. They are also winless against Western Michigan, UNLV, Indiana, Fordham and Harvard. Winning record against Texas though! VirginiaVirginia has also never beaten a Pac-12 team (0-7!). They are also searching for their first win against Ball State, Colorado State, Southern Miss and Louisiana Tech. Virginia TechZero wins against Kansas, Boise State, the entire Pac-12 or Virginia Medical College. Wake Forest Wake Forest is 0-2 against Louisiana-Monroe. They're also winless against Air Force, Catholic, the Quantico Marines and Oglethorpe. Washington Not many funny options here, outside of Dartmouth, Chicago, and interestingly, a team called the Harvard and Yale Alumni. Washington State Cougars are winless against Central Michigan, Tulane, Air Force, Denver and Detroit. West Virginia Winless against Hawaii, Dartmouth, Harvard, and the pride of my hometown of Granville, Ohio...Denison University. WisconsinA surprisingly clean sheet, as the Badgers have at least one win against every modern G5 opponent they've played. They are, however, winless against Columbia, the Carlisle Indian School, and something called the Calumet Club. There you have it. I hope this information serves you well....and remember. Alabama is afraid of Rice.
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