Below: Part two of my interview with Lonnie Dama, Business Shaman. He’s a real trip! (Read Part One here.) FYI Lonnie will be making a special appearance at my Misguided Meditation show in NYC next week (Oct 18 @ Caveat). $5 off with code “guru” here.

You once ran a yoga studio which closed amid some controversy. What happened there?

We did have a slight scandal at our yoga studio. It’s still being worked out in the courts so I can’t really discuss it. However, I’ll say this: If your yoga studio hasn’t had a scandal, are they really stretching you properly? If your instructor isn’t pushing ethical boundaries, they’re probably not pushing your physical boundaries either.

Well, you also started Vxion and there are rumors it’s a sex cult. Is that true?

Vxion is not a sex cult. It’s a results cult. And honestly, I’m proud of running a cult. I’ll own that. People always badmouth cults, but a cult offers connection, a reason to stop talking to your family, and a place to spend your disposable income. Let’s be honest: You were done with your mom anyway, I’m just giving you an excuse to finally cut the cord. And I mean that both metaphorically and literally because I also do freelance midwifery.

What is your goal with Vxion?

We are mission-driven. And that mission is to maximize profits because profit is what leads to sustainability. We unite western-style capitalism with holistic healing and ecoconsciousness. Vxion helps people turn toxic infestations into positive manifestations.

Can you give any examples of what members learn at Vxion?

They gain an encyclopedic knowledge of CBD oil, chakras, cacao toothpaste, spirit animals, and vibrations. Also, they learn how to use the words “modalities” and “cohort” as much as possible. Terms like that really impress people.

What is the cost of the training program at Vxion? 

$80,000 for a 200-hour training program, which is spread out over eight weeks. And then there’s an additional $50,000 “extensions” training where you can pick from a variety of modules. And then you get a certificate, which costs another $20,000, but most of that is for printing and shipping fees.

That sounds pricey.

You’re limited in your thinking. Joining Vxion pays for itself. When people complete the training program, they can then sell all our products which is a great way to monetize one’s spirituality. Here’s something Vxioneers learn right away: The best time to sell is at the end of a yoga session – a period we call salesvasana. When root chakras are open, wallets are open.

What kind of people sign up for Vxion?

We specialize in wellness for real estate agents who used to be performers. They understand that when it comes to chakras, there are only three things that matter: location, location, location. Former actors especially love Vxion. They typically have a lot of trauma to heal, much of it from failed auditions and castings.

And what kind of products do you sell?

Our biggest seller is Buddha Goo™️ – that’s eyelid moisturizer which costs $90 for a 2.2-ounce jar. It’s made out of beaver teeth, lavender, and Rwandan coffee grinds. And then there’s our holistic botox program which is called Hobotox™️. 

Hmm. Botox doesn’t seem very holistic.

Well, this is Hobotox™️ so it’s a bit different. Also, your question is rather naive. Most people don’t realize Botox originated with a tribe deep in the Amazon called the Botojico, which translates to surprised eyes. It’s sacred medicine to them since it represents eternal youth. There’s a deep healing power with Hobotox™️ because you’re no longer a slave to your emotions. You never have to worry about looking angry, sad, or surprised because you always look exactly the same. It’s like I always say: Beginner’s mind begins with beginner’s face.

Do you do Hobotox™️?

Yes, five times a day. I’m actually 185 years old but my skin is as smooth as an eel covered in moisturizer. As you can see, this stuff works.

And then you also sell pills. But what do they do?

Yes, they’re called Control Group™️. They are pills that do nothing. 100% pure placebo. Swallowing them allows you to test all the other herbal remedies you’re taking in order to judge their effectiveness. Now you can run your own experiments and do your own research. No longer do you have to trust the corrupt medical science community. A bottle of 30 pills costs $695.

But they do nothing?

Nothing is a valuable service. In this day and age, everyone is constantly “doing something.” But the problem with doing things, is you miss out on the value you get from not doing things.

Some of your critics claim you run a pyramid scheme. 

You know what else was a pyramid scheme? The actual pyramids. So if you’re accusing me of building one of the wonders of the world, well I guess I’m guilty as charged. This comparison has its limits though. After all, the pyramids were built by slaves while Vxion is run by unpaid interns. Big difference.

Is it true that you’re under investigation by the FBI? 

Maybe. But you know who else was investigated by the FBI? Martin Luther King, Jr. John Lennon. Gandhi, probably. Steve Jobs too, I imagine. So I don’t pay too much attention to it.

What words of wisdom do you have for our audience? 

Be the meat. Time is a sandwich. The meat is the present and the bread slices are the past and the future. And what you need to do is be the meat. Get in there with the mustard, mix it up with the mayo, lay down with the lettuce. Be. The. Meat. Or the plant-based meat alternative of your choice.

Any parting thoughts?

If you’re looking for a delicious plant-based meat alternative, you really should try our newest product: Get Thee Behind Me, Seitan™️. It’s plant-based seitan jerky that comes in both original and teriyaki flavors. It’s infused with ashwagandha and valerian root to promote relaxation and calm. Each bar is given a four-hour sound bath before we ship them. Only $19.95 each!

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Come see Lonnie Dama make a special appearance at my Misguided Meditation show in NYC on Oct 18 at Caveat. $5 off with code “guru” here.

Lonnie will also be appearing this weekend at two NYC events related to the Horizons conference: New York State of Mind, “an evening of psychedelic comedy and community” on 10/14 (secret location in Brooklyn) and Drug Test, a psychedelic variety show on 10/15 at Caveat.

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There is a free version and a paid version of the Rubesletter. Both give you lots of words but the paid version gives you secret words that the freeloaders can’t see which makes you feel special. I’d be appreciative if you signed up and extra appreciative if you bought a paid subscription. It helps me justify the amount of time I spend on this which many of the voices inside my head argue is way too much. [Peace sign emoji]

Quickies

🎯 It’d be way more interesting if newspapers published divorce announcements. I don’t care how they met. But please do spill all the tea on why they broke up.

🎯 Re: the "sex recession." Fine, but it's weird to describe sex with economic terms. It's like hearing, "The consumer blow job index is down this week. We’re also facing a lot of erectile stagflation. And experts are fearing a kinky cougar market in Q4."

🎯 These car makers are idiots. We need the self-driving cars FIRST and THEN you can install big screen TVs in the dashboard.

🎯 I don’t need an infinity pool. I’m on Twitter and it’s an infinity cesspool.

🎯 These new white supremacists confuse me. I’m not a fan of the OG Nazis but at least they were in shape, wore Hugo Boss suits, and drove Porsches. These new ones all look like they have type 2 diabetes, wear cargo shorts, and need a scooter at the airport. Nothing about 'em seems “supreme,” unless we’re talking Whopper Supreme.

🎯 Trevor Noah joins the list of late night hosts jumping ship and the media is atwitter about it. Reality check: Late night talk shows don't exist anymore because no one watches TV live anymore so the convo around 'em is a classic example of fighting the last war and how the media loves covering stuff as if we're all 50+ years old and it's still 2003. Related: The media’s obsession with SNL as the end all be all of comedy.

🎯 Jew update! We handled the Pharaoh enslaving us. I think we can handle Kanye tweeting about us.

🎯 Comedy clubs: "You must buy drinks. Multiple drinks. Quickly!" Also comedy clubs: "How dare you get drunk and misbehave!?"

🎯 You know what's worse than ghosting someone? NOT ghosting them. "You had me meet you in public just so you could tell me you never want to see me again? That's so cruel. You coulda just stopped replying...like a NORMAL person."

🎯 "You have the watches, we have the time."
-The Taliban

(Helluva quote! Didn't know the Taliban was so poetic.)

🎯 50% of marriages fail and we all know it. That's why celebrating weddings is so weird. I mean, if you saw someone at a roulette table bet their life savings on black, you wouldn't start congratulating them once the wheel starts spinning. You'd be like: "I'm gonna wait and see where his balls land."

🎯 Bizarrely, we continue to underestimate YouTube. The amount of music played there, the disinformation spread there, the impact of its algorithm, etc. We keep focusing on other platforms because we can't even wrap our heads around how much YouTube actually dominates information.

🎯 QAnon is a multiplatform scavenger hunt – and Jan 6th was just ComicCon for a bunch of people who didn't realize they were playing a LARP game.

Comedy

😈 I post standup clips regularly on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. Check ‘em out.

😈 NYC on 10/18 at Caveat: Get $5 off Misguided Meditation with the code “guru” here.

😈 NO(LA)vember!

🅼🅰🆃🆃 💎 🆁🆄🅱🆈 @mattruby

Love this line about New Orleans: "It's one of the last places that feels like a place." I'll be there Nov 8:

buff.lyHELL YES FEST presents: Matt RubyNew York City comedian as seen on Sirius XM, Comedy Central, MTV, CNN, NBC, and FOX...

7:36 PM ∙ Oct 11, 2022

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😈 Recently at Funny How where I post about the craft of standup:

😈 Speaking of cults, I’m doing an Albany Q&A on 10/21…

Overit @overit

Hello, Capital Region! We're hosting a free, in-person event on 10/21 with @mattruby and we’d love for you to attend. Expect a morning of laughter and actionable insights for entrepreneurs. Tix are free but space is limited so be sure to register! eventbrite.com/e/matt-ruby-ge…

8:00 PM ∙ Oct 11, 2022

😈 You can hire me to perform at your venue, conference, country club, yoga studio, or bris. Just hit reply and I’ll get back to you pronto.

5-spotted

🗯 Eerie excerpt from Carl Sagan’s 1995 book The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark.

Science is more than a body of knowledge; it is a way of thinking. I have a foreboding of an America in my children’s or grandchildren’s time — when the United States is a service and information economy; when nearly all the key manufacturing industries have slipped away to other countries; when awesome technological powers are in the hands of a very few, and no one representing the public interest can even grasp the issues; when the people have lost the ability to set their own agendas or knowledgeably question those in authority; when, clutching our crystals and nervously consulting our horoscopes, our critical faculties in decline, unable to distinguish between what feels good and what’s true, we slide, almost without noticing, back into superstition and darkness.

🗯 “Hello, Ohio!” Bruce Springsteen has a Spinal Tap moment.

A little while later, having changed from his regular jeans to his stage jeans, Springsteen walked with the band through a stadium tunnel and toward the stage. The last thing he saw before heading to the mike and a blast of stage lights was a sign taped to the top step that read “Barcelona.” A few years ago, at an arena show in Auburn Hills, he kept greeting the crowd with shouts of “Hello, Ohio!” Finally, Van Zandt pulled him aside and told him they were in Michigan.

Springsteen glanced at the step and stepped into the spotlight.

“Hola, Barcelona!” he cried out to a sea of forty-five thousand people. “Hola, Catalunya!” 

🗯 Great writing isn’t about “writing.” It’s about thinking. 

You could be the most talented writer on Planet Earth, but if what you are writing is regurgitated “thinking,” then you aren’t a great writer. You’re a replaceable writer (because that “thinking” exists in hundreds of other places). 

If you want to grow your Substack, don’t think about how to become a better “writer.” Think about how to “think” differently, and then communicate that different thinking to the people who will value that different thinking the most.

🗯 “Write toward vulnerability.” Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird” is one of the best books on writing I’ve ever read.

Becoming a writer is about becoming conscious. When you’re conscious and writing from a place of insight and simplicity and real caring about the truth, you have the ability to throw the lights on for your reader. He or she will recognize his or her life and truth in what you say, in the pictures you have painted, and this decreases the terrible sense of isolation that we have all had too much of. Try to write in a directly emotional way, instead of being too subtle or oblique. Don’t be afraid of your material or your past. Be afraid of wasting any more time obsessing about how you look and how people see you. Be afraid of not getting your writing done. If something inside you is real, we will probably find it interesting, and it will probably be universal. So you must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work. Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability.

🗯 Why Tinder is toxic for young women. (I wrote a related piece here: Apps turned dating into a video game.)

Women on apps like Tinder find themselves competing for the richest, tallest, best-looking men, while the less attractive men are ignored.

The top 10 per cent of men on Tinder, ranked in terms of looks, are attracting almost 60 per cent of the likes from women. Meanwhile, less attractive men are getting very little attention at all.

Taught me a new word: Hypergamy. “The desire (sometimes unconscious) to seek out a partner who is of higher social status. Women are much more likely than men to prioritise hypergamy in dating.” I have a joke about that.

Also, of course online dating sucks. You’re not supposed to find your life partner while taking a dump!

🅼🅰🆃🆃 💎 🆁🆄🅱🆈 @mattruby

There should be a dating app that pairs up incels and cat ladies called "Meow or Never"

4:54 PM ∙ Oct 11, 2022

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Thanks for reading!

-Matt