🧠 Let’s talk about grief and the holidays

Sarah Sloat

Sunday Scaries

Hello! My name is Sarah Sloat and welcome to Sunday Scaries #181. Thanks for reading this chill newsletter for not-chill people.

Happy holidays y’all! Whatever sort of Sunday you’re experiencing, I hope you take some time today to be cozy and kind.

This week’s chill icon

This week’s chill icon is garden king, Gerald Stratford. He is out here, unbothered, loving vegetables. The most iconic of chill icons.

Have you encountered a chill icon (or icons) IRL or during your internet browsing? If so, I want to hear from you. Send an email over to sundayscaries@inverse.com and you might see them in next week’s newsletter.

Let’s talk about grief and the holidays

When you’re grieving, the holidays can feel as burdensome as a Gordian knot. Traditions may mean a little less when nothing feels familiar and tolerating other people is likely not high on your to-do list. Do you join in on the fun — and risk feeling guilty?

“There is not a right or wrong way to grieve or spend the holidays,” says Mari Dias, a professor in counseling and psychology at Johnson & Wales University. “However, there are effective and ineffective ways.”

The list of ineffective ways is short but significant: Alcohol, drugs, not sleeping, and unhealthy eating habits. Avoiding triggers — seeing, smelling, or hearing something that reminds you of a loved one — can also be detrimental to your mental health in the long run, Dias says.

We can’t control when grief arises, but we can figure out what to do with it, explains Erica Goldblatt Hyatt, a mental health clinician and associate professor at Rutgers. They are the author of Grieving for the Sibling You Lost.

“The holidays are a difficult time for many people, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t honor your very real grief,” says Goldblatt Hyatt. “Instead of telling yourself what you should or shouldn't be doing, be loving and accepting of your grief responses.”

Here are three of the coping strategies Goldblatt Hyatt and Dias recommend. But remember: what’s helpful for one person isn’t necessarily best for another. It’s fine to try something that appeals to you — then realize it’s not the right fit. Ultimately, what matters is allowing yourself patience and kindness.

3. Include your loved one

Those who find ways to incorporate the person they miss into their days in a positive way can find it helpful, says Goldblatt Hyatt. Making food they loved, listening to music they enjoyed, or hanging an ornament that reminds you of them all come under this rubric.

“Continuing bonds with your loved one throughout time and space is a valuable and healthy practice,” Goldblatt Hyatt says. “Research demonstrates that maintaining this connection will help you move through your grief to find meaning.”

Dias recommends taking a moment to share a favorite memory of the deceased, planting a tree in their honor, or visiting where they were put to rest. You can “keep their memory alive in the tradition you are most comfortable with,” she says.

2. Be honest with others

Does being in a big group sound overwhelming? Then tell the people you spend the holidays with, Dias says. It’s important to be firm but kind about what you need and not feel guilty about your requirements.

This extends to allowing yourself to show grief, too. It can feel tempting to bottle up your emotions in fear that they may “bring down” others around you. But the more people try to hide their pain, the more likely they are to experience physical grief, Dias says, which can manifest as a medical condition.

“I think the two most important factors all grievers need to focus on are permission and forgiveness,” she says. While it’s tempting to feel like you need to protect others from grief, it’s healthier to allow yourself to feel what’s real.

1. Practice mindfulness

Research shows engaging in mindfulness can help with grief and loss through emotion regulation. Tryl to observe your thoughts like you would a passing cloud, says Goldblatt Hyatt.

“Understand your feelings and thoughts arise automatically; you can’t control them,” they say. “Observing them without self-judgment is the key to finding peace after loss. Give yourself grace the way you would with a friend or the people you love the most.”

It can also be helpful to talk yourself through hard moments or find a mantra. One Goldblatt Hyatt offers is “I grieve as deeply as I love” — it can be helpful to repeat this to yourself as you breathe in slowly, hold your breath, and then slowly breathe out.

Dias also offers this breathing exercise: Inhale visualizing a color that you associate with the emotion you would like to embrace, then exhale the color you associate with the emotion you are feeling currently.

Other grief resources

Goldblatt Hyatt and Dias also recommend these books, groups, and podcasts for coping with grief:

The book It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine

The book A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

The children’s book The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

The podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”

Private online groups, like the “Tender Hearts Community”

Free grief groups facilitated by hospice organizations

You should also be wary of any resource that claims you can “resolve” or “achieve closure” with grief.

“That’s not possible,” Goldblatt Hyatt says. “Grief, like love, is a lifelong process that shifts and changes as time goes on.”

Now look at this oddly satisfying thing

This cloud of gas and dust was captured by the Hubble Space Telescope.

Have you seen something strangely satisfying online or IRL? Send your best examples to sundayscaries@inverse.com for consideration for next week.

What I’m reading this week

Distract yourself from the scaries with these reads:

How to eat and drink your Christmas tree. Start off by choosing a white pine.

Perseverance rover captures audio of a Mars dust devil passing right over it. You can listen to this other-worldly event.

How Colorado’s radical decriminalization efforts may herald a new era for psychedelics. Read up on Proposition 122.

And if it’s midnight and you’re still feeling the scaries…

Listen to this funky holiday playlist.

That’s it for Sunday Scaries this year! Enjoy the rest of 2022.

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🧠 Let’s talk about grief and the holidays

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