Ann Friedman - The super-kinkeepers

What makes people healthy and happy? It all comes down to meaningful relationships, report the researchers behind the Harvard Longitudinal Study, who are on the media circuit lately. "The trick," these academics write, "is that those relationships must be nurtured."

There's a word for the strategic nurturing of bonds: Kinkeeping. And while anyone can take on this role, there’s also a word for the people most likely to do it: Women. The Harvard researchers have not been using either of these words.

Dating back to the 1960s, academics studying family roles identified the kinkeeper as the person responsible for “keeping family members in touch with one another.” Kinkeepers organize care for elderly relatives. They are the first to ask “So who’s hosting Thanksgiving this year?” They know everyone’s phone number. They mediate the small squabbles that inevitably come up, and often navigate the deeper divides between family members, too. They do this for decades, and they do it consistently. They are almost always women.

“Kinkeeping” is one of those terms that manages to feel fresh with every micro-iteration of feminism. It crops up in several decades’ worth of articles about emotional labor. It recently made the rounds on TikTok, where a definition of the term has been viewed 10 million times. It feels incredible to have a label for these often-invisible and always-uncompensated efforts.

I’m the eldest daughter of an eldest daughter, baked in a bubbling tray of Catholic obligation and Midwest values, so I come by kinkeeping naturally. I also live thousands of miles from most of my biological family. In a world where chosen family is central for many of us, the need for kinkeeping transcends traditional familial ties. Some kinkeepers perform their “trick,” to use the Harvard guys’ term, at a community level. Call them super-kinkeepers. They become the glue that sustains extended friend groups and former coworkers. They plan the baby showers and host the birthday dinners. They set up the MealTrain after a neighbor has surgery. They send so many “Just checking in" texts. They keep more than just kin.

Not everyone is destined to be a super-kinkeeper, and certainly not in every season of life. Some are not suited to it on a personality level. (Which is fine!) Others are, for example, caring for a child and an aging parent at the same time, and simply do not have the hours for super-kinkeeping, too. (Which is also fine!) But the potential kinkeeping pool is much larger than many of us have been led to believe. 

I read Bowling Alone two decades ago: I'm tired of trend articles about loneliness. I am bored of talking about the busy-busy-busy nature of modern adult life when there is no structural reprieve in sight. And I really hate it when experts make social connection seem like a trick or a fluke. We have managed to socialize generations of women into this role on a family level, and some people on a community level, too. Imagine if we tried to expand the number of kinkeepers, even a little bit, by respecting this work as work. As vocation.

Imagine if we didn't consider it it a trick. 
 

Our constant need for entertainment has blurred the line between fiction and reality, writes Meghan Garber. That's not just true on TV, but also on social media, in politics, in our daily lives. And Reeves Wiedeman reports on the state of documentaries, which are moving away from journalism and toward Hollywood. 

"A rip at the mind’s seam. A wrinkle in the blood." Saeed Jones on Tyre Nichols and us. And Nicole Cardoza reminds us that "Black History Month is for making the history books, not rereading them." 

What does it mean to look suffering in the eye? Megan Fritts on Greek tragedy and the legalization of physician-assisted death.

“It can be stressful sometimes. We have to use little shovels.” Cara Anthony talks to the men who prepare the graves for the youngest victims of gun violence. 

I am not even a big fan of the Judds, but this profile of Wynonna after the death of her mother Naomi is... wow. It's by Grayson Haver Currin. I also drank up this tribute to Tom Verlaine by Patti Smith.

Ana Kinsella offers nine ways of looking at a pint of Guinness.

And the former fellows are up to great things: Celia Mattison on whether films should aspire to generate empathy; Nereya Otieno chats with George Clinton (!) about his music and paintings; Autumn Fourkiller on how you can feel weary even if you're on the right path.

The phenomenal Megan Tan with a really moving radio story about how she remade her relationship with her father. And three projects by Kansas photographers: Dylan Connell's portraits of Smithfield factory workers, Doug Barrett's immersion in Black farming and ranching culture, and Laura Cobb's dreamy examination of a suburban creek.

"Donald Ducking it"

I'm knee-deep in my book about modern adulthood, which is based on interviews with more than 100 people about how they're living their lives. I've done a lot of these interviews, and I am starting to hit the limits of my personal network and my skill set. So I am here to ask for your help!

I'm looking to interview:

• Working-class people. I refuse to write a book that’s only about economically privileged adults, and like most Americans I live in a relative bubble. So I need some help connecting to more interview subjects who are from working-class backgrounds, who do not have a college degree, who work hourly-wage jobs. These folks can be any age, in any part of the country. Is this you? A friend or family member of yours who might be willing to be interviewed? Hit reply and let me know. 


• Some real-life Golden Girls. I'm looking to talk to people who are in their 50s or older and who live with roommates. I'm not talking about a retirement village or a "multigenerational" household, but a non-institutional home that's shared by adults. Reply and let me know if this describes you or someone you know!

And I'm also looking for some stats help:

• A data-focused research assistant. There are a lot of studies and statistics that I need to sift through, and it’s been a loooong time since my stats 101 class. This is a paid, part-time, flexible position. Click here for the details.