Lyft is frowning behind its big pink mustache, and yes, we know that reference dates us. The ride-hailing company’s stock had its worst day ever yesterday after it shared a dismal outlook during its earnings call the day before. How dismal? Wedbush analyst Dan Ives called it “a Top 3 worst call” out of the thousands he’s listened to in 22 years in the biz.

The company’s shares fell about 36% after forecasting it’ll make between $5 million and $15 million this quarter—rather than the $85 million that analysts expected. Meanwhile, Uber is coming off its “strongest quarter ever,” as CEO Dara Khosrowshahi said, so the ride-hailing war is starting to look more one-sided than Dora vs. Swiper.

Here’s why investors are giving Lyft 0 stars

Lyft’s recovery from the pandemic is slower than its wait times, while Uber is zooming ahead. Even Lyft’s good news is small potatoes compared to Uber’s:

• Lyft notched its highest ridership in three years last quarter, but Uber announced in its earnings call Wednesday that it booked an all-time record of 2+ billion trips in the same time period.
• Lyft has recovered the number of drivers it had in 2019, while Uber said it has a record number of drivers now globally. (Both companies had a hard time hiring during the pandemic’s labor shortage.)

And that’s Lyft’s relatively good news. It’s been especially slow going for Lyft to regain a presence in what had been its strongest market, the West Coast. And in colder climes, Lyft expects revenues to suffer because no one wants to ride its scooters on black ice. In order to compete with Uber, Lyft plans to lower its ride prices and offer more hiring incentives to drivers—both of which will be a hit to revenue.

Not to mention…Uber’s not 100% dependent on you needing transportation home at the end of a night out. It also makes money when you stay in and order Taco Bell off Uber Eats.

Bottom line: Lyft has an uphill ride to compete with Uber, and it’s not clear it can ever catch up.—JW

The US shot down a “high altitude object.” Days after downing a suspected Chinese spy balloon, the US sent a fighter jet to take out another airborne object off the coast of Alaska. What exactly it was and who sent it hasn’t been determined yet, per US officials, but the government also said it was smaller and lower than the known balloon and posed a threat to air travel safety. Meanwhile, in the continued fallout from more identifiable objects…the US sanctioned six Chinese aerospace companies it says support the nation’s spy balloon fleet.

Russia will cut oil production. Russia said yesterday it plans to cut its oil output by about 5% next month in response to Western sanctions (or, as Deputy Prime Minister Alexander Novak put it, the “destructive energy policy of the countries of the collective West”). The move is likely to drive up prices and could therefore make inflation harder to tackle. In other Russia–Ukraine War news, Russia stepped up its missile strike campaign, and the pro-European prime minister of neighboring Moldova resigned, citing crises caused by Russia.

The classified documents drama continues. Anybody who’s anybody in US politics these days has had the FBI search their home looking for classified documents (or at least, both Trump and Biden both have). Yesterday, it was Mike Pence’s turn, and the five-hour search turned up one new document marked classified and six pages without the markings. That’s in addition to the documents previously discovered by the former VP’s lawyers. It’s also come to light that Pence’s former boss has turned over additional classified documents to prosecutors that were not found during the search of Mar-a-Lago, per CNN.

Just like all of us, Adidas is dragging its feet dealing with the pile of clothes it doesn’t want anymore. CEO Bjørn Gulden said Thursday that the company is still trying to figure out what to do with the roughly $1.3 billion worth of untouched Yeezy gear it has left. If it doesn’t sell the merch, it could push Adidas to its first loss in three decades.

In case you forgot…the sportswear brand severed its partnership with Ye (formerly known as Kanye West) in October over antisemitic comments made by the rapper. The collab was said to be worth $1.5 billion, and Ye reportedly lost his billionaire status when it ended.

And now Adidas has its eyes set on winning the breakup. Gulden, who stepped into the CEO role just six weeks ago after turning around rival Puma, has a plan to revamp the brand—but that plan could cost the company a whopping ~$214 million this year.

Will it work? At this point, anything is better than nothing. Adidas has historically relied on its celebrity partnerships to bring in the cash, but nothing has matched Yeezy’s success. Even Beyoncé’s Ivy Park line has gone from disappointing to downright flop. Sales of Ivy Park for 2022 reached just $40 million, while Adidas was expecting $250 million, according to the WSJ.—MM

What do T-Mobile, Budweiser, and Jesus have in common? They’ll all be appearing on your TV screen during commercial breaks in tomorrow’s Super Bowl.

Hobby Lobby CEO David Green and a group of anonymous wealthy donors are shelling out $20 million for two ads to spread the word about him to millions of football fans.

• Jesus’s Super Bowl screentime comes as part of the massive “He Gets Us” campaign, which aims to make him more relatable to millennials and Gen Z.
• The ads portray Jesus as someone who “also suffered anxiety,” threw dinner parties, and was even a popular influencer who got “canceled.”

How common is religion (besides football) at the Super Bowl?

This is not the first time Jesus (or at least his followers) has been featured in a Super Bowl ad: The ministry Focus on the Family inspired controversy with an anti-abortion commercial in 2010. Other religions have also embraced the game, including the Church of Scientology, which has advertised regionally during the Super Bowl in the past. But most religious advertisers tend to shun the event due to the sensitivity of the subject and the hefty price tag.

Zoom out: The ad hits as a record 29% of Americans identify as religiously unaffiliated, an almost sixfold rise over the past fifty years.—SK

Stat: Sticking a baby in a Harvard onesie might seem like throwing them into the college game a little early, but in the future parents might try to gain an edge with the admissions office even sooner. Nearly 40% of Americans polled recently said they’d be up for testing and selecting IVF embryos for intellectual aptitude to boost their kids’ college chances. And 28% would even be willing to consider giving their kid a leg up by editing the embryo’s genes, assuming it was safe.

Quote: “Tesla needs to build its image around Tesla, and not just around Elon. I think it’s time for Tesla to grow up.”

Tesla shareholder (and investment firm co-founder) Ross Gerber is so fed up with Elon Musk’s vibe that he’s looking to nab a spot on the electric vehicle company’s board because “I’ve kind of had enough.” He’s hoping to address Musk’s spending so much time running other companies, succession plans, and stock sales. But in an unintentional demonstration of Musk’s inescapability, Gerber revealed his plan on a Twitter Spaces call.

Read: How Microsoft caught up with Google on AI, and the unlikely executive who made it happen. (Insider)

Get new career goals: A searchable guide to help you explore new industries.

Thought experiment: Which TV or movie cop would you trust to solve your murder?

Consider the source: Words of “wisdom” from the man behind Fyre Festival.

Catch up on some old correspondence: Amateur code breakers have just decrypted a trove of letters from Mary Queen of Scots.

Travel tip: Money with Katie’s Travel 101 series will teach you how to use credit card points to travel for free.

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Brew crossword: Where can you find a Super Bowl-themed crossword puzzle? Probably not many places, but the Brew is one of them. Get hyped for the game by solving today’s puzzle.

Open House

Welcome to Open House, the only newsletter section that isn’t rooting for anyone in tomorrow’s Super Bowl, just hoping everyone has fun out there. We’ll give you a few facts about a listing and you try to guess the price.

Today’s ultramodern home is just a 15-minute drive from State Farm Stadium in Glendale, AZ. The 3,491 square foot property is filled to the brim with expensive-looking porcelain. Amenities include:

• Pool
• Fancy goth-ish kitchen
• Rectangle of green grass to flex on neighbors

How much to be so close to tomorrow’s action that you’ll probably hear if the national anthem is pitchy?

It’s already February, but it’s not too late to stay on top of this year’s goals. Check out our 2023 Resolutions Trackers for tools to hold yourself accountable this year. Shop today.

’Tis the season of love...and taxes, student loans, retirement planning, etc. Don’t let money ruin your relationship—check out Money Scoop for a monthlong series on how to navigate finances with your partner.

Did your sales survive rather than thrive in January? Pick up steam in February with strategies from Retail Brew’s latest guide.