The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.

Careers

DEVS FOR MCDONALD’S: The fast-food chain’s app was the most downloaded food app in the world last year, according to QSR Magazine. Downloads for DoorDash and Uber Eats combined could not even top the digital Golden Arches.

RIGHTEOUS UBER DRIVERS: An Uber Eats driver in Australia was given a one-star rating after she refused to deliver a package of crystal meth. The whole ordeal would have been a lot less intense if it wasn’t also an UberPool.

Personal

MOTHER’S DAY CARD HELP: 1-800-Flowers.com now has a ChatGPT-powered service that writes thoughtful poems and songs to go in Mother’s Day cards. You can finally cut down on your monthly troubadour costs.

ISO LEFT-FOOTED SHOES ONLY: Robbers in Peru broke into a shoe store and stole more than 200 sneakers worth more than $13,000. Just one problem: All of the shoes were for the right foot.

For sale

SPIDERWOMAN: The upcoming sale of a 10-foot-tall, 18-foot-wide metal spider statue is expected to fetch between $30 million and $40 million. It could set the record for the most expensive work ever sold at auction by a woman artist.

BLACK MARKET SPERM: A Dutch man named Jonathan has been threatened with a fine of over $110,000 if he doesn’t cut it out with all the sperm donations. He’s suspected of fathering at least 550 children globally by donating sperm.—MM

Here are some illuminating scientific discoveries from the week to help you live better and maybe even thrift some new shirts.

What are you, a mind reader? Researchers just translated people’s thoughts into words without a surgical implant for the first time ever. The “noninvasive” technique uses an AI decoder to match fMRI brain scan activity to corresponding speech patterns, and even the lead scientist is “kind of shocked that it works as well as it does.” The decoder could accurately summarize sentiments and stories that participants listened to or imagined and short videos they watched. The door is now open to experiments in translating dreams, say neuroscientists.

Pop some tags. Secondhand shoppers might gravitate more toward messy thrift stores than toward organized ones, according to a new study on consumer behavior. Disordered inventory appears to make people think they’re more likely to find “hidden treasure” on the rack. But it also increases shoppers’ perceived risk of wasting time or buying a low-quality item—something retailers can combat by demonstrating that they’re knowledgeable about the items they sell, the research suggests.

Happy gut, happy life. Scientists who study stool samples for a living have found a possible link between gut health and emotional well-being. In a survey of more than 200 women, those who reported feeling happy or hopeful showed lower levels of two types of bacteria. The same bacteria were found at higher levels in the microbiomes of women who reported negative emotions. And it looks like compartmentalizing is connected to gut health, too: Researchers found less diverse microbiomes in people who suppress their emotions.—ML

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen warned this week that the government could run out of cash to cover its expenses as early as June 1. Congress can avert the looming economic catastrophe by authorizing more government borrowing so the US can keep paying its bills and avoid an unprecedented default on its financial obligations.

But with the deadline just weeks away, lawmakers are locked in a game of chicken.

• Republicans in Congress say they won’t increase the debt limit without budget cuts. Last month, the GOP-controlled House passed a bill that would lift the borrowing cap and slash government spending by around $3.2 trillion over 10 years.
• But that bill is DOA in the Democrat-led Senate. Democrats insist the debt limit should be raised with no strings attached.

If the US does run out of money...look out below. The Treasury would have a range of extremely bad to absolutely terrible belt-tightening options, including delaying payments to federal contractors and Social Security recipients, all to avoid falling behind on interest payments for Treasury bonds.

Economists warn that failing to make payments would send global financial markets into a tailspin, cause widespread unemployment, and deal a devastating blow to the US’ reputation as a trustworthy borrower.

With neither side blinking in the DC staring contest, pundits have been floating creative ideas about how to raise the debt limit while sidestepping Congress.

What are some other options?

One approach would be to invoke a clause in the 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which affirms the sanctity of public debt, so the Federal government can keep borrowing in order to continue paying its existing creditors.

A weirder solution is having the Treasury mint a $1 trillion platinum coin. Though it sounds like something from the depths of r/economic_fantasy, the idea has received buy-in from prominent economists. Unlike Sec. Yellen, who dismissed it as “a gimmick,” Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman was into the magic coin life hack.

But Krugman also supports an even wonkier workaround: issuing government bonds with a ridiculously high interest rate and selling them at a premium. He says it would fill Treasury coffers while keeping on-paper debt below the limit.

Should we just abolish the debt limit?

Economist Justin Wolfers thinks the concerns around the government’s creditworthiness are similar to deciding whether you’d lend money to a divorcing couple that’s constantly fighting, he told Morning Brew.

Wolfers says worrying about the national debt is valid, but he believes that imposing a limit on borrowing to cover expenses the government has already committed to is not the way to fix it. In his opinion, Congress should get rid of the cap altogether.

Looking ahead…President Biden, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, and other congressional leaders will meet at the White House on Tuesday to try and make progress toward a deal.

Meal prep: Try Smitten Kitchen’s strawberry summer cake. Foolproof, light, and oh-so-scrumptious, it’s like a drum with no sides: hard to beat.

Book rec: In Our Share of Night, Argentinian author Mariana Enriquez draws on her upbringing under a dictatorship to spin a horror story that redefines the genre. It’s a dark read—but sometimes the best novels are.

Streaming binge: The Power is a feminist thriller series based on the best-selling novel by Naomi Alderman. Bonus: It features Toheeb Jimoh, who plays Sam Obisanya on Ted Lasso.

For a drink: Check out the 50 best bars in North America. Can’t believe Applebee’s for happy hour got snubbed.

Music rec: For an upbeat, dance-inspiring song, listen to “Enjoy” by Tekno. The Nigerian artist released a new single, “Freetown,” earlier this year.

Smart purchase: It’s time to leave behind the retractable BiC you borrowed from your college roommate—these are the 42 best pens to write with. (Our pick is the Pentel EnerGel in 0.5mm.)

Tech tip: Omnivore is a read-it-later app that syncs across all your devices. Perfect for the kind of people who tell themselves that they will read every page of The New Yorker.

Transfer here: If you want 18 months of 0% intro APR on balance transfers (that’s deeeep into 2024) + a generous cash-back rate, apply for this credit card.*

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It’s a big world out there. In this section, we’ll teleport you to an interesting location—and hopefully give you travel ideas in the process.

The dogs are out this weekend, competing for Best in Show on the same courts where Serena Williams, Novak Djokovic, and Billie Jean King have clinched Grand Slam glory.

What is this place? The USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center in Queens, NYC, is best known as the home of the US Open, but it’s also the new site of America’s second-oldest continuously running sporting event: the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. For the 147th year in a row, hundreds of canines are spending the weekend showing off their obedience, agility, and expertly coiffed coats for a shot at the gold.

The show had been held at Madison Square Garden since the 1870s, when New Yorkers could see P.T. Barnum ring-lead “The Greatest Show on Earth” there. After a brief sojourn upstate during the pandemic, the event has returned to NYC, where the tennis venue will crown its first nonhuman champions.

Don’t sweat it if you didn’t catch yesterday’s action (though we recommend watching the highlights from the dock diving exhibition)—this afternoon is the agility championship, when dogs flex their athleticism and navigate an obstacle course at lightning speed. When Best in Show is announced on Tuesday night, it could make this the second history-making Westminster show in a row: Trumpet the bloodhound was the first of his breed to win last year.—ML

Last week we asked: What is something you want to experience every single instance of? Here are our favorite responses:

• “I want to try every food item at the Minnesota State Fair just to see if they’re better than the State Fair of Texas.”—Bonnie from Dallas, TX
• “I am trying to visit every city named Paris. Paris, Missouri, was precious. Paris, Tennessee, was just fun!”—Renee from Des Moines, IA
• “Attending the championship game for every major sport: the Super Bowl, Stanley Cup, World Cup, World Series, NBA Finals, and of course staying on par with the newest trends—the World Chess Championship.”—Allie from CA
• “I would love to visit every hot spring in the US. Just go state by state and find all the glorious soaking sites and find my zen in the waters.”—Ariel from Austin, TX
• “I would like to ride every subway system in the world. I have quite a ways to go, having only ridden on four (NYC, Chicago, DC, and Boston).”—Mike from NYC
• “GIMME ALL OF DEM FRIES.”—ML from Chicago

This week’s question

You’ve been asked to give the commencement speech at a prestigious university. What’s the absolute worst piece of advice you could give the graduates?

Matty’s answer to get the juices flowing: “Pay as much money as you can to go to law school.”

Share your awful advice to graduates here.

Finance teams can use technology to identify trends and automate planning. But is your team ready for a digital transformation? Download our guide here.

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What could you and marketing leaders have in common? You could attend our Marketing Brew Summit, The Brief, on May 11.