There’s no shortage of dating horror stories. Remember the Tinder Swindler or West Elm Caleb? No wonder then, as about a third of Americans use dating sites and apps, more and more women are joining private Facebook groups — including Are We Dating the Same Guy? and Vouched Dating — to vet potential partners. To learn more, we spoke with Jess Carbino, PhD, former in-house sociologist for Tinder and Bumble…

Q: These online groups can have tens of thousands of members. Why are so many women turning to communities of strangers for intel on dates?

Women often feel like they don’t have a strong [option] for verifying the identities of the people with whom they’re interacting. And if they’ve had a negative dating experience in the past ... they may feel [it’s even more important] to walk into a date or relationship prepared. These types of groups can provide them with that context … However, there could also be a more sinister side of these groups — which is that [it provides a platform for] people who’ve had an adverse experience and want to air it to the public. Some people may do it because they feel they have an obligation to warn others or because they’re angry. It could even be a combination. 

Q: Is that why critics — even some members — are calling these groups toxic and hostile?

I think we can all agree [on] this idea for a collective mobilization of women to protect themselves and people who are vulnerable. But at the same time, I think it’s important to think about: What if a man were to start a group called ‘Are You Dating This Woman?’ I think that would be absolutely inappropriate to do. A lot of the comments on these [groups] are very critical and not necessarily germane to the person, like comments about their body or appearance. And you see other people piling on comments that could be equally inappropriate. So we need to really think about this in a nuanced and holistic way ... These groups are empowering to a certain degree, but they can also foster a toxic environment and a toxic statement about men and their interactions between men and women.

Q: Still, more than a hundred of these groups have popped up across the country. That must say something about the state of online dating, right?

Entering relationships from a place of distrust or with the idea that people aren’t who they purport themselves to be is a sad state of affairs … These groups are a very interesting reflection of people’s discomfort with the state of dating and relationships, generally ... Technology now fills a void that institutions, neighborhoods, friends, and family once filled. So [these groups are] providing people with the capacity to verify [dates] in the same way that these other institutions would have done historically. Also, it speaks to the fact that people feel as though they need to be empowered in their dating — because they often feel disempowered and out of control when dating and searching for a partner.