The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.

Careers

ATHLETES WANTED: Looking for a ChatGPT-proof job? Hit the gym. Jobs for athletes and coaches are projected to boom 9% by 2032, triple the growth rate of the overall job market, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Just be prepared to work evenings and weekends.

SECURITY SOMMELIER: An airport in Florence, Italy, is getting a makeover that includes a vineyard on its roof. A glass of pinot grigio will still cost $24.

Personal

FOUND—NEW PIT WORM: Scientists who have clearly never seen a monster movie brought four black eggs to the surface they found in an oceanic abyss. Inside the eggs, they encountered a worm creature that they didn’t know existed.

SEEKING $$$ FOR DOOMSDAY SEAWEED FARM: A recent study found that the resilient seaweed could be a viable food source for humans should a nuclear war cause a sudden reduction in sunlight, wrecking most other forms of agriculture.

For sale

EXPENSIVE, SEXLESS GOGGLES: The new Apple Vision Pro isn’t equipped to play VR porn, according to someone who heard it from a friend.

BLOOD, TOIL, TEARS, AND TEETH: Winston Churchill’s dentures snagged over $22,000 at auction—a steal for something that close to the action.

NO PUMP NEEDED: Wilson unveiled a 3D-printed basketball that contains no air and costs $2,500. They’re expected to sell out in seconds.—MM

Earlier this month, graffiti artists descended upon vacant skyscrapers in downtown Los Angeles and left behind jaw-dropping results. Oceanwide Plaza was a billion-dollar real estate project across from the Crypto.com Arena abandoned by Chinese developers in 2019 when the group ran out of money. More than 27 floors were tagged over three days, with the taggers reporting very little security around the complex—the security company sued the developer in December, alleging it was no longer being paid.

Police made several arrests and said the graffiti would be washed off. While no one knows why artists decided to use the buildings as their canvas now (although the Grammys taking place across the street last Sunday may have been a factor), one tagger who goes by the name Actual told the Washington Post: “The money invested in [the buildings] could have done so much for this city.”—DL

Here are some illuminating scientific discoveries from the week to help you live better and maybe even realize that money isn’t everything.

You don’t need money to be happy. People living in small indigenous societies with low incomes are often just as satisfied with their lives as those in rich countries, according to an Autonomous University of Barcelona study published this week. Nearly 3,000 people across 19 unglobalized communities with an average yearly income below $1,000 reported a life satisfaction level on par with people in the UK, Belgium, and other high-income countries. The researchers say their findings suggest that “resource-intensive economic growth is not required to achieve high levels of subjective well-being.” However, prior studies have shown that among industrialized countries, higher national wealth does make people more inclined to say life is good.

Scientists used cancer to annihilate cancer. The disease got a taste of its own medicine when researchers harnessed immune cells armed with mutations found in cancer to destroy tumors in mice, according to a new study. Although engineering patients’ T cells (a type of white blood cell) to attack blood cancers has been a cornerstone of immunotherapy for years, the technique has been less effective for treating other types of cancer. The new research altered T cells with genetic mutations present in cancerous ones and found they could infiltrate and “melt” various tumors. A biotech startup aims to start testing it in humans in 2-to-3 years.

Europe wants a new particle collider. The European Council for Nuclear Research (CERN) has worked out how to replace the world’s biggest particle collider with an even bigger one. The “Future Circular Collider,” a proposed underground tunnel in Switzerland and France that encircles an area larger than the size of Chicago, would begin smashing particles together at nearly the speed of light by 2045. Aside from employing a bunch of physics geeks in their dream job, the collider would be key to studying scarcely understood dark matter and dark energy, which make up much of the universe and underpins its fundamental laws. But CERN might have trouble getting funding for the $17 billion enterprise, since its current collider produced few major breakthroughs.—SK

For one Sunday of every year, people gather in living rooms and bars nationwide to give their undivided attention to commercial breaks, which is why so many advertisers jumped at the chance to pay $7 million for 30 seconds of Super Bowl LVIII airtime.

The ads we see while watching the big game can tell us a lot about the current consumer spending landscape—including which industries and businesses are hot or want to be. So, we put together some charts showing the number of brands in each industry that have bought Super Bowl commercials recently (our methodology is below).

This year’s breakdown

Tonight, you can expect to see a lot of food/drink and e-commerce-related ads:

Noteworthy: Ladies, personal care giants are coming for our wallets. Riding a wave of increased female viewership that’s been boosted by Taylor Swift’s relationship with Kansas City’s star tight end, NYX Cosmetics and CeraVe (both owned by L’Oreal) are placing their first Super Bowl ads, Dove is returning for the first time in 18 years, and E.l.f. Cosmetics is back for the second year in a row. And even many nonbeauty brands have opted for women guest stars, like Kris Jenner for Oreo.

First-time advertisers include…MGM’s online sportsbook BetMGM, Drumstick ice cream, Nerds, Lindt chocolate, Starry, Silk almond milk, the sports drink Bodyarmor, Popeyes, and Etsy.

Turning back the clock

Here’s a breakdown of some of the most common industries that go big on Super Bowl advertisements and how their presence has changed over the last five years:

Noteworthy: The companies that have graced our screens for every Super Bowl Sunday since at least 2020 are Bud Light, Michelob Ultra, Doritos, Pringles, Squarespace, TurboTax, T-Mobile, and Universal Pictures. From 2021 on, Hellmann’s, E-Trade, and Skechers have also been consistent advertisers. This year, for the first time since 2014, the car mat manufacturer WeatherTech will not have an ad spot.

Here’s a 5-year overview of just the fintech ad space since 2020:

Noteworthy: That dip should feel painfully familiar to anyone with a digital currency wallet. Crypto.com, Coinbase, eToro, and FTX all placed Super Bowl ads for the first time in 2022 (you probably remember FTX’s less-funny-in-retrospect campaign with Larry David). Despite the hype, that year turned out to be the worst period in recent history for digital currency, with bitcoin’s crash and FTX’s collapse rattling the industry.—ML

Methodology: Data was gathered from lists of Super Bowl commercials compiled by Ad Age, Marketing Dive, SuperBowl-Ads.com, and iSpot.tv and sometimes from web articles announcing ad spots. Advertisers announced yesterday and today were not counted. Other outlets’ lists were combined and category names were edited. Advertisers of religious or political campaigns were not counted. Local/regional advertisers also were not counted unless the commercials aired in several major markets (except for a United ad playing only in Kansas City this year). Advertisers were counted by the number of brands represented (but not more than one per commercial), not by the number of ad spots that individual brands purchased.

Cook: Chicken tenders and comeback sauce.

Flying hack: Did you know you can use your AirPods in the air?

Listen: Kacey Musgraves released a song, “Deeper Well,” from her forthcoming album.

Watch: Donald Glover stuns in the new dark comedy Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Write: These smooth gel pens don’t smudge or leak.

Little friend: Everyone could use a Marcel the Shell figurine.

Have an ecstatic Valentine’s: Happy heart days include the Crescendo 2, the doctor-recommended, bendable vibrator from MysteryVibe. It’s clinically proven to improve arousal and alleviate dryness. Enjoy 30% off.*

^{*A message from our sponsor.}

It’s a big world out there. In this section, we’ll teleport you to an interesting location—and hopefully give you travel ideas in the process.

Welcome to the ultrawealthy version of looking for a parking spot at the mall on Black Friday. Private jet owners attending the Super Bowl in Las Vegas today are metaphorically circling the airport looking for a spot.

The four area airports only have around 475 spots—all reserved—and it’s unclear how they’ll manage to squeeze in the record 1,000+ private jets expected to fly in for the Super Bowl. For last year’s big game in Glendale, AZ, a city that does not have an Adele residency and 99-cent buffets, the 1,100 private jet parking spots in the area were all occupied.

People in the highest tax brackets just aren’t interested in flying commercial to big sporting events. Simple Flying spotlighted the festivities that saw the most private jet traffic in 2023:

1. The Masters: Augusta Regional sees about 1,500 private planes every year for The Masters. Imagine how much easier it would be for Taylor Swift to park her PJ if she were dating Viktor Hovland.
2. Kentucky Derby: More than 900 private jets arrived in style to see Mage win the first leg of the Triple Crown.
3. F1 Las Vegas: The November race served as a test run for the Super Bowl, and every jet parking spot was occupied.

Prices may vary. Henderson Executive Airport and North Las Vegas Airport charge a special event landing fee ranging from $750 to $3,000 per day. Harry Reid International, however, doesn’t believe in surge pricing—the cost to leave your jet will be the typical $20 to $150 per day.—DL

Last week, we asked you to imagine that it’s Monday, February 12, and the Super Bowl took place last night. What shocking moment from the broadcast will everyone be talking about?

• “Allegiant Stadium has a power failure ahead of the game, so the teams must play inside the Sphere. No worries, Pat Mahomes will make it work!”—Marji from Kansas City, MO
• “In a Paramount+ commercial Jeff Probst announces that the next season of Survivor will be its last. The end of an era.”—Tess from Missouri
• “Watching Taylor Swift parachute through an open roof and stick the landing on the 50 during the halftime show.”—Dave from Grandville, MI
• “Post Malone does a shoutout to an elderly fan (me) and invites her to hang out and attend his next concert.”—Laura Harris from Festus, MO
• “John Mayer is one of Usher’s surprise halftime guests. The stage is rushed by Swifties and he’s torn limb from limb like in The Last of Us.”—Doug from Boston, MA

Hoping for at least one of these to come true tonight.

This week’s question

What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received on Valentine’s Day?

Matty’s answer to get the juices flowing: “In second grade, my sister put gerbil poop in the mailbox I made for class valentines and I didn’t know until I got to school.”

Share your response here.