The Cut - Talking About My Stillbirth

It was a Thursday in late October 2016. I was 38 years old and 35 and a half weeks into my third pregnancy. Two years earlier, I had given birth to my amazing daughter. I was less lucky when my second pregnancy ended in an early-term miscarriage. But it happens. A lot. There was nothing wrong with me. And this third pregnancy, so far, was a good one. The new baby was healthy and thriving inside my bulbous, expanding abdomen.

The morning my son Izzy died, everything was usual. The babysitter came. I went to yoga. I noticed on my way to the studio that I hadn’t felt the baby move since I’d woken up. But I told myself that I must have been distracted by the early-morning chaos and that I would feel him when I lay on my back in Savasana after practice was over. He had a way of kicking me when I was in my most relaxed state — typical child.

In the studio, anxious thoughts came and went in my mind. Was that a movement, maybe? What if something’s wrong? I’m too old to have a baby. Maybe I shouldn’t be exercising. When the class finished, I lay on my back and waited for him to shift and kick inside me so the painful mental dance would stop and I could go about my day. He didn’t move. I went home and made a lasagna in a white ceramic dish with a chipped corner. Then I went to the hospital.

Charli XCX is getting the hot girls together tonight (then again, when is she not?). The bird is the word. The Bear season three finally has a release date and a teaser. For the seventh consecutive year, women report being less satisfied with their jobs than men. Cute animal videos are fun, but primates are not meant to be pets. People are not happy with Apple’s new iPad ad. ICYMI, Jack Schlossberg’s (grandson of JFK) social-media presence continues to be totally chaotic. And take this quiz to see if you can tell which dog breeds are more inbred than others.

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