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[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 16’ on a lilac background]

The transcript below represents 15 minutes of a 40-minute chat I had with ‘R’ who’s a hetero (possibly bi), Italian Canadian (white), cis woman, who, at the time of interview in November 2022 was 30, recently single and living Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.

‘R’ and I chatted about the misconceptions surrounding people with disabilities and sexuality, as it was assumed by ‘R’s school that, as she’s physically disabled wouldn’t be engaging in sex and so wasn’t invited to sex ed sessions. ‘R’ shared how she was initially daunted by a new diagnosis which meant that her life-expectancy increased loads to 60 to 70 years, and also how she’s found it difficult navigating safety and comfort boundaries alongside sexual boundaries while being intimate with partners.

Almaz – 09:53mins
Okay, so if you didn’t have those classes, how did you, personally, find out about sex stuff as opposed to the anatomy stuff that you already knew? 

‘R’ – 10:02mins
Right, so, it was, like, a combination of things. Because I always had close relationships with, like, cousins and friends. So we had those conversations a lot, but I would pick up in conversation that when I started my own journey, like, my friends, like, immediately were, like, “Okay, time to go get your HPV shot”, all of this kind of stuff. So they were super helpful and informative. And then a friend of mine that I met online – we both have physical disabilities – we’re both, like, kind of, exploring around the same time and that’s actually where friendship blossomed into what it is today. 

So we would literally just go back and forth like, “Are you supposed to do this?, “Is this supposed to happen?”, “I don’t know”. And then we would, like, talk about it. And then from there we created an intimate, disabled space, where, like, other people can come in and ask these questions to and we can, kind of, like, have these conversations because we realised that, like, a lot of this isn’t talked about ever.

Almaz – 10:50mins
Some of your other friends… let me choose my words. 

‘R’ – 10:58mins
[chuckles]

Almaz – 10:58mins
So this is me making an assumption – I’m assuming that you have some able-bodied friends.

‘R’ – 11:04mins
Absolutely. So, like, my non-physically disabled friends when I talk about, like, my real life not really because a lot of friends are online unfortunately.

Almaz – 11:20mins
So would issues of, like, feelings in the body and, like, being horny would that come up within just, like, a general group chat?

‘R’ – 11:29mins
Oh, absolutely. Like, not so much when my sister was there, because we have very, like, connecting circles. So that was happening a little less when my sister was there. There are some things I didn’t want her to know. Because she’s very, like, motherly, too, sometimes.

So, like, my one friend, he identifies as gay and he also started, like, dating and doing those sorts of things at around my age because we both, kind of, like, you know, progressed in high school dealing with certain things. And we both struck by their similarities in the disability and queer spaces for that, like, kind of, coming out in some exploration stage. So it was definitely a big part of that journey and we could talk to each other about stuff.

Almaz – 12:18mins
This is my favorite question on the survey! Is there anything you can remember that sparked your sexual, slash, intimate desires?

‘R’ – 12:24mins
Oh my gosh, yeah, I mean, like, I said, I totally had a crush on every single boy, I think, like, literally since I started school. And then, like, actually more, like, intimate fantasies, probably more in puberty in high school.

Almaz – 12:44mins
And was having little, like, crushes and fantasies, was that something that you, like, really enjoyed. Or were other feelings mixed up in the, kind of, deliberateness of having the fantasy.

‘R’ – 13:01mins
So, like, yes, very much, like trying to bring up the person’s name up in conversation, because it’s teasing each other about what your passions are, and why you like them and all that, but it almost felt, like, a level of, like, not being achievable. And sounds so it would also come with a lot of, like, self doubt and insecurities.

I also, like, had a low life expectancy at the time so a lot of my thoughts even as going through puberty and being a kid were like, “How long am I going to be on this planet for?” so a lot of those things, like, just didn’t seem obtainable or worth trying if I didn’t even know if I was going to be here.

But it was fun to enjoy the fantasy but I never actually really thought of it as reality or something that could be, like, achieved in my situation. So sometimes I would bring insecurities and self doubts as well. 

Almaz – 13:46mins
And did you have any news that that helped you to reframe how you would conceive of these fantasies, or were you just, kind of like, “Well, I’m gonna find a partner.”?

‘R’ – 13:57mins
So in my early 20s, my sister and I got a new diagnosis just, like, not just a placeholder one. So we were talking to the doctor who’s just looking at us they’re saying, “I could actually see you living fairly long lives”. Like your life expectancy being in the 60s or 70s. And all of a sudden, like, just like my whole world, kind of, turned upside down and everyone’s like, “Oh My God, it’s so exciting”, but I was just, like, daunted by it all because I’m so comfortable with mortality and, like, using it as a blanket to not have to try for those things. 

I was scared because I was afraid of rejection, right? I wasn’t really being vulnerable as a result of those things. So it was, like, a really comfy blanket to just be like “Okay, I’m gonna die anyway, I don’t need to worry about sex”. 

Now all of a sudden, like, all of these things, like, flooded in. Like, “Oh shit, I guess I should try”. Like, I guess I should put my life together, figure out what I want to do with my life and how I want to be. 

Almaz – 15:12mins
So how did you go about, like, ‘launching your sexual self’? 

‘R’ – 15:18mins
Oh my gosh. 

Almaz – 15:25mins
You can use whatever phrase you like.

‘R’ – 15:28mins
No worries. Yeah, no, I definitely just, like, jumped into, like, online dating apps. I think the first one I ever tried was, like, ‘Plenty of Fish’, which is hilarious. And I remember I was, like, going for, like, my first date ever. I was, like, terrified, right. Because, like, oh my god, ‘safety’ and everything.

So and then, like, not wanting to share that I was going on a date with my family because this was a date. But then my family helps me get ready. So, like, how am I going to, like, do this and navigate all this? Yeah, I, kind of, just jumped in head first I literally, like, put a joke about my disability on my profile, like, saying that, like, what I used, like, “Oh, they call me a fire hazard because I’m gonna go out of emergency exits” or whatever. 

Like, I’d make sure, like, my disability was always in my profile because I just thought it was a very easy way to, like, weed out people who are gonna be immature about it. So I, kind of, jumped in headfirst and started, like, getting in the apps and going on dates and stuff.

Almaz – 16:56mins
Okay, so, I mean, we’ve already spoken a bit about relationships before in the conversation, but question 16, “How old were you when you had sex with someone for the first time?” You put 25.

And was that… I’ve asked people whether they really felt ready in the moment, or whether they felt pressurised by that person, or whether they felt pressurised by society. So if you’re happy explaining how that scenario played out, that would be great.

‘R’ – 17:23mins
Absolutely. Okay. So it was, like, totally the opposite of feeling pressured by my partner, if anything, I think they were pressured by me because I was, like, “I’m ready for this! Let’s do this! Let’s get it over with!”

I remember we were having that conversation because I was, like, “we’re spending time together and I’m ready” And he was all, like, super worried about it.

I was irritated by them actually. We could have actually been friends with benefits. It was what I wanted. And then we only had, like, two experiences, basically, and that was there because he was also very focused on, like, performance and whatever and it wasn’t really very much, like, helping me explore and what I wanted, and so on.

And then when we were chatting about boundaries he said “Well helping you go to the bathroom is fine but if you have to go number two I’m not gonna help you because that’s a boundary” and I was just like, “What happens if I have to take shit?” so you know, like, there was a lot of l things that I need to be conscious about or worried about.

Almaz – 19:31mins
A couple of things I wanted to pick up there that were really interesting. Yes. So first of all, how your casual partner mentioned that they wouldn’t help you if you needed a number two because that was quote, unquote, ‘a boundary’. It sounds like they were using, like, the concept of boundary work to just, like, to deny you comfort and safety. 

‘R’ – 20:01mins
Like, it was weird, right? 

Almaz – 20:04mins
So then the question is, like, “how do you try to navigate desire- and sexuality-based boundaries with, like, health and comfort boundaries”?

‘R’ – 20:24mins
It was very tough at the beginning for sure because I would definitely try to overcompensate what they needed because I felt guilty for needing extra help at first. I’d be nervous when we were together because I’d be worried about, like, what happens if I feel like I have to go.

It made me feel like they don’t want to do extra work for me and, like, that’s okay, too, because I also believe that not everyone’s going to want to be caretakers either. Some people end up getting into it not knowing, like, we joke about even my Dad taking care of me and my sister. No one ever would have expected that the man he was, like, he would be still wiping us during our periods as adults.

So I also never really put that responsibility on casual people because casual people weren’t also worth my time for the long term. I was way more nervous about next time I wanted to be in a long term relationship, because I was, like, “is this gonna go okay, and I am gonna feel guilty.

Almaz – 22:23mins
Sorry, I’m just looking closer at the screen, looking at the text. Oh, yes. “He was very focused on performance and it wasn’t very much helping me explore.” Would you be able to explain a little bit more about that?

‘R’ – 22:47mins
Yeah, absolutely. He was very, like, insecure. He liked attention being on him. He would want me to know who else he was casually talking to, but then if I brought up someone I was casually talking to he was offended. So it was very much, like, weird stuff going on, like, insecurities for sure. So then I think whenever we experienced problems like me having frustrations with my body or, like, trying to figure myself out. He, kind of, took it like, his responsibility or it was on him or something. And I think there were a lot of, like, ego problems.

But because I was, like, excited that someone was interested in me I was putting up with a lot of crap I shouldn’t  have put up with.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 15 MINUTES]

Here are links to previous mailouts in this series:

‘P’ works in a similar sexuality education field to me, so our conversations touched on the complications that can sometimes arise in social situations when people know that our jobs are sex-based and are looking for answers to personal questions. ‘P’ also shared an incident from her early adolescence where she was accused of sexually predatory behaviour towards a fellow school pupil and the harm that the allegations caused.

#43: Authenticity Arena – No. 15 Almaz Ohene · Jan 17 Read full story

‘O’ shared with me his experience of having sex with someone else for the first time, which happened, when he was 14, with a young woman who was 18. (Almaz note: ‘O’ describes the experience as wholly consensual, but in regards to the law in lots of US states, under 18s cannot consent to sex). Our chat also covered the initial guilt that ‘O’ felt when he started doing sex stuff with men, and also the acceptance that came when he started reading lots of books on sexuality and relationship styles.

#36: Authenticity Arena – No. 14 Almaz Ohene · October 18, 2023 Read full story

[Image description: White speech box with black border shadows. Black text ‘I’m running an anonymous online sexuality survey’. Dark orange text ‘bit.ly/ao_sexsurvey’. Black text ‘Anyone over 18 can fill it in, wherever you are in the world.’ Picture of coloured rectangles placed at angles with black border shadows. White text ‘Do you have guilt or shame around desire, sex or pleasure? Why/why not? Do you support compulsory sex and relationships education?’ on top rectangle]

The sexuality survey is still open, so please do fill in/share it as all of the responses are helping me make connections between the ways we’ve been socialised and our relationship to sexuality. I’m particularly looking to get more responses from people aged 50+ and also people who have been unable to access contraception.

Take survey

[Image description: promo banner for Almaz’s Developing Sexual Expression and understanding intimacy workshops]

I run a fun workshop series – Developing sexual expression and understanding intimacy – if you’d like to book me for an in-person event like a hen party or baby shower, or as a little interlude at a sex ed/sensuality event, do get in touch via email. Here’s a link to a previous mailout where I described the raucous fun we had at a hen party where I ran the Improving Intimacy workshop for a group of women:

#32: Hen party with a twist Almaz Ohene · July 5, 2023 Read full story

More workshops info here

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 5 June and will include the written answers that ‘R’ gave in response to my sexuality survey. To receive this extra mailout you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.

Upgrade to paid

[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’]

I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.

Recent mailouts:

My latest column, ‘Pleasure Principles with Almaz’, which appears in the digital magazine ‘Female Health & Fertility magazine (femalehealthandfertility.com) each issue. I also publish it in full here for ‘She Dares To Say’ readers:

#47: Making intimacy enjoyable again when you're battling fertility issues Almaz Ohene · May 15 Read full story

Interview with ‘W’ who’s from my sexual past. ‘W’ and I only shared a couple of experiences, but they were so connected and intense that we both speak of them in superlatives. We were initially introduced to each other in passing at a sex event in early 2020, and linked up for the first time just as Covid-19 started showing up in London:

#45: What The Notches Said – No. 02 Almaz Ohene · Mar 20 Read full story

Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs

This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece, so if this project is something that you value, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’, which is either billed monthly at £3.79, or annually at £34.99.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.

Support

You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting, restacking via Notes or by just generally sharing this post’s URL 😃