The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.

Careers

VEEP BARBER: JD Vance is the first major party nominee with facial hair in 75 years. The mustachioed Thomas E. Dewey ran unsuccessfully for president in 1944 and 1948.

FISHY DETECTIVE: Fishermen in New England were sentenced for fraud involving Atlantic herring. It was a complicated, layered scheme, but the important thing to know is that if you mess with the bait fish, you get the hook.

RABBIT LOVE GURU: Bunny owners are letting their pets choose their own mates through a speed-dating process, which seems to make the animals happier, per the WSJ. The rabbits show higher rates of depression while hopping between dating apps.

Personal

DAD JOKES SUBMISSIONS: People raised by adults who used humor in parenting had better relationships with their parents, per a new study of 300 people. But the definition of “humor” was loose, since the kids of roastmasters had very different upbringings.

ISO MEANINGFUL TATT: Minnesota Timberwolves rookie Terrence Shannon Jr. has a tattoo of the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas infinite ammo cheat code on his arm. Rumors are flying that LeBron is looking into a back piece of “CTRL + SHIFT + C Motherlode.”

FOUND—ELUSIVE WHALE: The world’s rarest whale, a spade-toothed whale, washed up on a New Zealand beach, scientists believe. If confirmed, this could be the first of the species to be dissected, so marine biologists might learn what makes these guys so dang shy.

For sale

CREAMY O2: A Bill Gates-backed startup called Savor claims it made butter out of thin air (more specifically, a thermochemical process). Costumed historians at every US-based living history museum are, of course, livid.

JUST BANANAS: Ecuadorian police found 6.23 metric tons of cocaine in a banana shipment set to be delivered to Germany. That would have been a crazy day working Jamba Juice inventory.

BAT DECOR: Scientists are urging people to stop buying trendy taxidermied bats on sites like Etsy and eBay—especially cool-looking orange ones with black wings. Just stick to leaving cobwebs in place if your apartment needs a little macabre. —MM

Photo of the week

Members of one of the world’s most isolated Indigenous tribe, beautifully free from memes and sportsbook commercials, have been spotted near the Peruvian Amazon, not far from where logging companies have been granted new access by the government. Indigenous rights advocacy group Survival International released images of the Mashco Piro tribe and warned that it could be devastated by new diseases brought to the area or drawn into violent conflicts with the loggers.

Local Indigenous organization Fenamad says the Mashco Piro are being seen more frequently because they are searching for food as they move away from the loggers. Survival International has asked authorities to withdraw the certification of the logging company Catahua, which it says is operating inside Mashco Piro territory.—DL

Dept. of Progress

Here are some illuminating scientific discoveries from the week to help you live better and maybe even stay up past your bedtime.

Salamander limb regrowth therapy helped mice live 25% longer. A medical technique to prolong life by suppressing an inflammatory protein is in early-stage human clinical trials after it was found to reduce aging-related cancers in adult lab mice and help them live ~25% longer on average. Researchers have long been interested in the inflammatory protein IL-11 because it helps fish, tadpoles, and axolotls (the amphibian that looks like a Mudkip) regrow fins, tails, and limbs, respectively. In humans, the protein’s production ramps up after age 55 and has been linked to many aging-associated conditions like fibrosis and worsening metabolism. Some scientists say IL-11 is an evolutionary leftover in humans, like wisdom teeth or the appendix.

Night owls may have sharper minds than early risers. If the birds are chirping right now, you’re about to feel a bit offended. In a study of 26,000 people in the UK, those who stayed up late showed “superior cognitive function” across tests of intelligence, reasoning, reaction time, and memory than people who wake up early, according to new research from Imperial College London. Experts caution that the study is limited, but it did succeed in poking holes in conventional sleep wisdom. One stereotype that did hold: Sleepers who logged seven to nine hours every night scored the highest on cognitive tests.

As polar ice melts, days get longer. Human-driven global warming is accelerating the melting of the planet’s ice sheets, which is gradually making days a hair longer by shifting the Earth’s rotation, the Washington Post reported. How? When Greenland and Antarctic ice melts, the water flows from the north and south poles toward the equator, slightly fattening up the Earth’s surface and slowing rotation. The average day lost just 1 millisecond or less per century through the 20th century, but since 2000, the rate has picked up to 1.33 milliseconds per century. While it’s undetectable in everyday life, the acceleration could mess with GPS and satellite launch calculations.—ML

What’s the deal with Project 2025?

If you’ve never heard of Project 2025, you must be good at avoiding American politics during election season. The policy laundry list for the next conservative president spearheaded by The Heritage Foundation, a right-wing think tank, has become the talk of the town far beyond DC wonks. The 922-page document doesn’t mention any specific candidate, but many see it as a blueprint for a second Trump administration.

The smorgasbord of transformative measures includes major changes to the tax system, an overhaul of the federal bureaucracy to make it more subordinate to the president, and the downsizing or abolition of some government departments. The initiative also has a nonpublic component that makes staffing recommendations and trains civil servants to advance the ambitious agenda.

Would it be implemented? Trump insists the contentious document doesn’t constitute his platform, recently calling some of the proposals “absolutely ridiculous and abysmal.” But:

• Many of Project 2025’s architects are close Trump allies. That includes its director, Paul Dans, and associate directors Spencer Chretien and Troup Hemenway, all of whom handled personnel policy in his administration.
• In 2018, one year into Trump’s presidency, The Heritage Foundation claimed that his administration had adopted almost two-thirds of its proposals.

So, let’s pick out the meatiest pieces of the sweeping policy menu that is the brainchild of people will likely have Trump’s attention if he gets elected.

Meat and potatoes

If the ambitious policy wishlist becomes a reality, here’s how some aspects of American life would change.

Government bureaucracy: The president would get more direct control of independent agencies like the Federal Communications Commission by gaining the ability to fire their employees, and the agencies would be retooled to carry out the president’s agenda. Many career civil servants would hear “you’re fired” and be replaced by staffers who support the administration’s priorities, though a recent Biden admin rule could make it harder.

The Department of Justice (DOJ), which Project 2025 claims the public views as corrupt since it has been weaponized to advance Democrats’ goals, would be remade with a particular focus on a “top-to-bottom overhaul” of the FBI. The DOJ would focus more on combating violent crime, election fraud would be criminally prosecuted, and its attorneys would avoid taking positions contrary to the president’s agenda in civil cases.

Economy: The Fed’s mission would be limited solely to restraining inflation by controlling interest rates (it’s currently also tasked with promoting maximum employment). The central bank would also be limited in the ways it could inject money into financial markets, and it would no longer bail out banks during crises. More radical alternatives floated by Project 2025 include abolishing the Fed or reintroducing the gold standard.

Taxes: There would be just two income tax brackets (down from the current seven), setting a maximum tax rate of 30% instead of 37%. Anyone making under $168k would be taxed at a flat 15%, effectively raising taxes on low- and middle-income taxpayers whose earnings currently fall into the 10% and 12% tax-rate tiers. It would also reduce the corporate income tax from 21% to 18%.

Immigration: The Department of Homeland Security would be dismantled (via legislation), and its functions would be handed over to other departments. Meanwhile, a more powerful immigration enforcement entity with 100,000 employees would be created by consolidating many existing forces.

Healthcare: The widely prescribed abortion pill mifepristone would become illegal and the government would collect data on people who get abortions.

Education: The Department of Education would eventually be eliminated, and states would be responsible for disbursing federal education funding (including Title I dollars for low-income districts). Parents would be granted opportunities to spend government schooling funds how they see fit. The Head Start program, which provides free preschool for low-income families, would be axed, and fewer kids would be eligible for free school lunches.

College loans would be handled by private lenders and some of Biden’s loan repayment programs would be nixed.

Weather and climate: The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) would be dismantled, while its subsidiary agency the National Weather Service (NWS) would focus primarily on data collection for private companies to use. The NWS would commercialize its data, selling it to private companies that would deliver all forecasts. The Office of Oceanic and Atmospheric Research would not conduct climate change research, as Project 2025 blames the agency for “NOAA’s climate alarmism.”

Culture: The federal government would prioritize traditional values like the “nuclear family” in its policymaking. Pornography would be banned and anyone disseminating it would be prosecuted.

Looking ahead…even if Trump wins and decides to enact parts of Project 2025, many of the proposals would require congressional approval and could face court challenges.—SK

Place to be: The Erie Canal

It’s a big world out there. In this section, we’ll teleport you to an interesting location—and hopefully give you travel ideas in the process.

Some would argue that the greatest humanmade creation in Upstate New York is the Syracuse University men’s basketball program. But those people are probably alum who haven’t familiarized themselves with the Erie Canal.

The 363-mile waterway that opened in 1825 connected Lake Erie in the Midwest with NYC (via the Hudson River at Albany) and allowed for transporting goods and people from places like Rochester to the big city faster than anyone had previously imagined. Railroads eventually made the canal obsolete for shipping—but it has found new life as a tourist attraction, the BBC reports.

• On the Canals is a state-funded program offering free canal excursions. Its calm waters offer kayaking opportunities for both experts and beginners. Adaptive kayaking is also offered.
• There’s also cycling, hiking, and outdoor painting for those who consider themselves slightly less adventurous but want to harmonize with nature.

Explore beyond the canal. Some visitors camp along the Erie, but more than 200 nearby communities have scenic views, historical homes, and traditional hotels. One traveler from the BBC opted for a castle-like hotel in Amsterdam, NY, and a trip to a waterfall named for legendary actor and native son Kirk Douglas.—DL

Crowd work

Last week, we asked you to finish the sentence: “The best summer day ends with…” Here are our favorite responses:

• “A 10-foot dive into Lake Superior from Black Rocks in Marquette, MI.”—Don from Lemont, IL
• “A freshly cut lawn by yours truly.”—Fahad from North Carolina
• “Taking an ice-cold beer into the shower.”—Dustin from Olympia, WA
• “Standing knee-deep in the Gulf watching the sunset with friends.”—Sylvia from Florida
• “Making homemade ice cream with the grandchildren.”—Tina from Cleveland, TN
• “Putting a little dirt under my pillow for the dirt man so he won’t take me down to his lair, deep under the mountain.”—Analisa from Wisconsin
• “A competition to start the outdoor fire pit first with only sticks and rocks from around the yard.”—Padimo from Maryland
• “On the patio watching my turtles eat.”—Diana from New Mexico

This week’s prompt

When was the last time you were pleasantly surprised?

Matty’s response to get the juices flowing: “I have spent most of my adult life thinking I hated cherries because I didn’t like cherry-flavored things. Just this week, a friend pushed me to try one from the farmers market and, listen, they are no raspberries, but I can’t believe I’ve been so against them.”

Share your response here.