‘I Can’t Stand My Husband’s Gross, Messy Family’

Dear Emily,

My husband and I have been married for five years. His father passed away when he was 52, taken by fast-moving cancer, and his family never dealt with that trauma. Instead, they all took on different roles the patriarch had played, and my husband was the designated peacekeeper and court jester. When I came along, they absorbed me like a sponge because I had no family.

No one in my husband’s family washes their hands before meals. Instead, they touch their faces, pet their family dog, and play with their reptiles, then sit down to the table, proceeding to touch every bagel and piece of crudité, because perusing visually is not enough. I have spotted Shrek-size, fuzzy fingerprints on more than a dozen slices of cheese. My husband compares my concerns to political differences in his extended family and says everyone knows not to speak up and to simply keep peace. But this isn’t politics. I know my husband is the meat in a conflict sandwich, which isn’t easy, but I disagree when he says that unintentional slights due to familiar patterns and obliviousness don’t count as harm. I think the lesson I’m learning is how hard it is to be a FACER among AVOIDERS. Please help.

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