The biggest mistake the trans movement made: pronouns.

See, too many people (especially old ones) can’t handle “they/them” conceptually. It’s why there are so many hacky jokes about pronouns. (Once Ted Cruz chimes in on a premise, you know it’s pretty much cooked.)

Those who failed to pivot pronouns were frequently labelled as transphobic, but the reality is tons of folks already struggle massively with grammar in general. Insisting that a traditionally plural term represents just a single person broke their brains. Since people dislike both grammar and self-examination, they just turned away.

And you gotta admit, it all happened quickly. It’s not that language can’t evolve, it’s just that it normally happens slowly, in a step-by-step process that’s hardly noticed by most speakers.

They/them, on the other hand, arrived almost as if by edict. It showed up with no lube. And people appreciate a little gentleness when it comes to, um, onboarding.

A weird opener

Personally, my beef with pronouns has nothing to do with gender. It’s about the way people start interactions with them. It just feels egotistical to introduce yourself to someone by telling them how you want them to refer to you later when they’re talking about you.

Because that’s the purpose of a third person pronoun. When you start a conversation by listing your pronouns, you’re basically saying, “When you’re telling people about me later, here’s how you should do it.” Now that’s hubris.

My solution: You should have to do something remarkable before you get to tell someone your pronouns. I should only know your desired pronouns if you’re going to give me a story worth repeating.

Like, I was on a Zoom call with ten people recently. Everyone on it introduced themselves with pronouns: “Hi, my name’s Zach and my pronouns are they/them.” Honestly? I’m never talking about you again, Zach. Not until you do something remarkable.

You really want to tell me your pronouns, Zach? OK, here’s an idea: Drop the n-word on this Zoom call. THEN tell me your pronouns. I will write them down. Because I’ll definitely be talking about you. I will be telling a bunch of people, “I’m pretty sure THEY’RE getting fired. I don’t think this is going to work out for THEM at all. Because DeAndre was on the call and HIM mad.”

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Linguistic fashion

Let’s be real: In effect, pronouns are a form of generational warfare.

Columbia University linguist John McWhorter explains, “The new ‘they,’ for all of its usefulness, has happened upon us quite suddenly. This means that it can be a challenge to get used to, especially for people already of age.”

People under 35 get it no problem. There’s a mixed reception among people between 35 and 55. And for folks past 55, well, it ain’t happening.

Instead of crucifying those who don’t keep up with linguistic fashion, I propose we view it the same way as we do clothing fashion.

Some people are watching the runway shows in Paris and are up to speed on all the latest trends. Others are shopping fast casual fits at H&M and Zara. And then there are those who do their shopping at Old Navy and wear Crocs. (We need some special carve out here for those in the Pacific Northwest, where everyone seems to dress like an emergency hike might break out at any moment.)

Now, let’s say you’re an Anna Wintour of linguistics. Congrats on your avant garde-ness. But perhaps you need to consider these Croc-speakers may not always be hateful or deserving of contempt. Perhaps, they’re just having a hard time keeping up. Instead of chastising them, give them a minute (ok, a few years) to catch up. Extend them some grace. They are Andy (Anne Hathaway) and you are Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep).

You may be right, but you don’t need to be so Priestly about it. The aging navy may take longer to arrive at your preferred destination, but they’ll get there eventually.

Well, at least the ones under 55 will. The ones over 55? Ya may just have to let them go.

P.S. On a related note, I can’t believe we’re talking this much about tampons in men’s bathrooms.

Call me old fashioned, but I think a real man carries his own tampons. After all, true masculinity means being a provider. 💪

Comedy

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