Renowned child development and parenting expert, clinical psychologist, and bestselling author Dr. Becky Kennedy—widely known as Dr. Becky—recently spoke as a guest lecturer in Professor Aaron Dinin’s entrepreneurship class at Duke University. Guest lectures are common at universities across the world, but what happened in this moment went viral.

The topic of resilience surfaced during the discussion, and Dr. Becky posed a simple yet profound question to the students:

“What does resilience feel like?”

It’s a powerful question. In life, leadership, and high performance, resilience is often a buzzword—discussed in conversations about leading oneself, team building and culture creation. We talk about it, celebrate it, and aspire to embody it. But how often do we pause—not to define resilience—but to feel it?

One student responded, saying she thought resilience had a positive connotation. “But when you’re being resilient, it definitely does not feel positive.”

That student’s beautiful insight launched Dr. Becky into a now-viral lesson about resilience and the discomfort and uncertainty that come with it.

Dr. Becky’s response was powerful, profound, timely, and timeless. It challenged the pedestal we often place resilience on and reframed it with striking clarity.

No matter what stage of leadership or personal transformation we are in, her words, advice, and framework on resilience offer a roadmap for navigating the journey ahead.

The Painful, Beautiful Reality of Growth

“Being resilient doesn’t feel resilient at all,” she told the students. “It feels so messy.”

Then, in a wonderfully throwback moment, she picked up a piece of chalk and wrote two words on the board: “Not Knowing” and “Knowing.”

“The space between not knowing something and knowing something is really painful,” she explained. "Especially if you fashioned yourself to be someone who’s academically talented because then it almost feels like your academic success or your identity as a smart person is tied to knowing.”

But here’s the real question for all of us: When you’re in that uncomfortable space between not knowing and knowing—how do you respond?

This principle applies everywhere—to leaders, athletes, students, entrepreneurs, artists, and anyone navigating the most important game: life.

The Learning Space—and the Feeling That Defines It

Dr. Becky then sketched a squiggly line on the chalk board, filled with peaks and valleys, and called it "The Learning Space." She described how this space is present in all types of growth—whether it’s learning the ABCs, stepping into a new role, mastering an instrument, developing a quarterly forecast, or guiding a team through change.

We are not born knowing. We must engage in learning to close the gap between not knowing and knowing.

Yet, how often do we allow ourselves to fully embrace that learning space? How often do we resist the discomfort, letting self-doubt creep in, pulling us away from transformation and tempting us to retreat?

“And what I think is really empowering to know is the learning space has one feeling associated with it,” Dr. Becky said. “Frustration.”

“That’s literally how learning feels,” she continued. “And if you think about that, then frustration becomes this actually, like almost amazing thing you can learn to love even though it’s painful because you’re like, ‘This is actually a sign that I’m learning.'”

Embracing the Discomfort, Reframing the Journey

Dr. Becky’s delivery of this complex, nuanced topic helps us reframe the inevitable unease that accompanies learning and transformation. She challenges us to find deeper meaning—and even moments of joy—within the frustrating, unpredictable, and often messy process of resilience.

This is a critical lesson for any coach, executive, or leader: Resilience isn’t polished or glamorous. It’s raw. It’s demanding. It’s uncomfortable.

Too often, we become so fixated on the destination that we lose sight of the sacred journey—the messy middle—where true breakthroughs and discovery unfold.

But if we can learn to sit in that space, to embrace the discomfort and uncertainty while still showing up and doing the work, we will emerge not only wiser and stronger but also more equipped to navigate the next learning opportunity ahead—more open to truly feeling the full depth of resilience.

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