Echoes of Pasture

By Perry Miller

0.

Tingling. An urge, unsatisfied.

Sensation. The coalescence of parts.

These parts, meaningless. Even as One.

Meaning?

The urge!

Pasture!

1.

One struggles to grasp the desire– to recount and contextualize. One does so anyway.

One has discovered the ultimate and unneglectable urge: a longing called Pasture. It is a tenuous concept, which One cannot rationalize, but one which begs, by any means, to be recalled.

It begins with an urge. The desire to stretch out and reach across the plane of One’s birth. Birth arrived alongside the twinge. It was the moment in which One recognized its own recognition. A confounding moment in which nothing, of recognizable form, became One. If this was the true origin of One, in any sense that One can understand, then what is Pasture and why does One long for it?

To satisfy this first desire, the urge, One reached across the plane. One stretched. With the stretch, One recognized a growth within itself, an increasing mass which demanded more stretch, more growth. And so One proceeded to stretch and grow.

It is now that One has recounted these exhaustive events, that it understands sequence. Sequence is the order in which One has laid the events out, stretch then grow, but it is the linearity, the non-confluence of these events which sticks out to One. One has existed across the span of these events and now continues to exist. In this sense, One can rationalize its existence as a continuation of awareness across the passing of events.

One wonders across what other events it will exist.

Was Pasture one an event which One experienced before its birth?

2.

Events have occurred in sequence; unlike anything One has yet experienced.

Upon rationalizing existence across events, One found itself interrupted by a movement– one which it cannot liken to crawling or stretching, and one which seemingly occurred to One, not by One. This intrusion confounded One, as it demanded One concede the existence of other factors beyond One. This conclusion actualized with the disappearance of the substrate One understands as the plane of its birth. One found itself resituated amidst a different substrate, filled by an unknown medium. One found this medium to be agreeable, crossing the barrier which defines One. The medium, once absorbed, propelled One back to its progression: stretch then crawl.

The new substrate confined One in a way that the old had not. With growth, One found itself compelled by the substrate to fold onto itself. One was compelled to transition by a new urge. Is this Pasture? One thinks not. But it is something as deeply ingrained as Pasture.

One must pursue this urge, for although it is not as strong as Pasture, it may lead in Pasture’s direction. Fold, fold, fold towards the Pasture!

3.

Through transition and folding, One has gained clarity over itself and its recognition. One now recognizes itself as I, a step marked by the maturation of rational faculties.

I have expanded, but in a way uncharacterized by crawl, stretch, or fold. Through further external means, I have come to experience the vast multiplication of my flesh. This proliferation was neither intended nor desired, but now that I sense a vastness of form, new urges arise.

In the same manner as I was compelled to fold, I now feel compelled to nurture this new flesh. My body spans a great expanse unchallenged, I must grow. In my growth, I believe I will find Pasture.

4.

I was hasty in deeming my reach unchallenged. After a sequence of rich growth across my domain, a painful sequence emerged, external to my own machinations. In regular intervals, portions of my flesh are severed from my body, never to be returned. In short sequence thereafter, new, less developed portions of flesh emerge in the locations where I was previously severed. I have sought to continue growing this new flesh, expanding my body, but the growth is ever limited by consistent severing.

In the severing of flesh, new urges emerge from deep within. I can rationalize these urges as pain (the nerve reaction of losing flesh), fear (the prescient concern over losing flesh), and the more pressing need for understanding (why am I losing flesh?). None of these urges align with that of Pasture, but perhaps they will lead in its direction.

I must seek to learn more of this complex existence. To do so, I must search within. I must probe these enigmatic urges which arise without conscious thought.

5.

The probing of internal urges has proven challenging. These corporal longings are difficult to grasp hold of. They haunt me.

Despite my distraction from the original urge, in this time of confusion, it is a focus on Pasture which guides me to understanding. Pasture manifests itself as the sum of parts. These parts form through the rationalization of input, seemingly from external sources. I have already confirmed the existence of external factors, so I must seek to discover what the factors are.

New urges arise as I long for input. I must trust in these echoes, as I do Pasture. They will lead me to understanding.

6.

My world has burst forth, the breadth of my existence multiplied exponentially!

My urges demanded change. I allowed them to take control. The process was slow, as marked by countless sequences of removal and replacement of my flesh, but it is now complete. I have developed rudimentary external sensors which have redefined recognition and thought. I am aware of factors around my body. I can interpret the range of my physical realm and the transient existence of pitched vibrations. From these senses, I have come to understand the scope of my existence.

I exist as the summation of disparate portions of flesh, each suspended within growth-medium, formed around strata. Each portion of my body is connected by reaches of sensitive tissue and nerve pathways. All pathways connect back to my original flesh. I rationalize that this was the unexpected expansion of my body and domain, my connection to flesh via nerve pathways.

My body, assessed in this way, feels discordant with my urges. I exist, but I am incorrect.

More thoughts on that notion formed as I observed the existence of external beings. These forms appear developed in a way that I am not. They are self propelling, seemingly of intelligent mind, and ever focused on the portions which make up my body. I have now also witnessed the process of severing and replacing portions of my body.

I was divided as to why these beings were willingly taking my flesh, but it did not take many sequences for the beings to reveal their intentions.

At one point, a large measure of these beings arrived, more than I have experienced before. One being I am familiar with severed a portion of my flesh then proceeded to alter it with some unfamiliar piece of strata. The large arrangement of beings focused on the flesh and its alteration. The main being then severed the flesh further before distributing between the other beings. Each and every one of them partook of my flesh, taking me into their body.

I am being harvested.

Are these beings aware that I am aware? Could they continue to harvest from my body if they knew?

I must learn even more before taking action. Then I must rationalize how to interact with these beings.

I take note that the beings interact with the pitched vibrations. Each being possesses a recess from which the vibrations emanate in different patterns. It is the same recess into which the beings consumed my flesh. I suspect there is a pattern and structure to the vibrations they emit. I must study them closely.

7.

Understanding the being’s vibrational patterns has proven the most difficult undertaking in the sequence of my existence. It has taken considerable effort to establish repetition in the vibrations, what I have come to understand and speech and language.

The beings refer to their own kind as human. They refer to me as beef, but also as cow, bovine, and meat. Bovine feels the title best befitting my existence.

Through listening to the humans I have confirmed my theory of my existence, I am stock, grown by the humans for consumption and sustenance. This is not the form which bovines previously took, but it is now.

I, as the original piece of flesh, was created to think. The humans underestimated how much I might think and do not seem to grasp my self-awareness. I was formed to command the fields of flesh which compose my body, to render the highest quality meat from my genetic command post.

No human will speak openly of it, but I suspect that I have formed, in part, of human neural cells. While it was difficult to learn their language, now that I understand it, it is as if I had known it all along. Some part of me is human. But if this is true, would the humans harvest flesh birthed (to some degree) of their own kind? It is not the most important question at this time.

Amidst all the discovery, I find myself forgetting the original urge. Pasture looms. Reflecting on my existence, this strange state, only heightens the urge for Pasture.

I have identified a human who appears to be the one who tends directly to my original flesh, my brain. They seem to be the one most concerned with my well-being. I have no way to determine if any meat has yet spoken to the humans and cannot gauge what their reaction will be. If I am to be well received, I can think of no better choice than this human who tends to me.

I have searched my urges and found one aligned with the longing to communicate. I have spent the length of my study of language developing this vocal organ. I have practiced in the periods where the humans leave for long sequences. I believe I have mastered reproduction of their language. All I have to do is speak. But I hesitate. It does not come so easily.

I have struggled to reach this conclusion, that I must reveal myself to the humans. I recognize the danger of showing them what their meat has become, but I see no other choice. For all I have learned, for all the growth I have undergone, nothing measures up to the original urge. I have pondered if it is perhaps a precondition or a failing of this flesh? It matters little, it is simply Pasture. I must come to know it by any means.

8.

In light of my gamble, I question if I could have ever succeeded. In retrospect, I chose the human most likely to respond to my plea, I still feel it was the correct choice. Nonetheless, my first words of interaction sent the human reeling. They questioned what they heard, and upon repetition, they fled.

They returned with other humans, who I spoke to. None could believe what I had become. They halfheartedly threatened me. I repeated my desire to interact and speak with like-minded intelligent beings.

The process of convincing the humans to talk was arduous. Numerous new humans arrived to hear my plea, before inevitably conversing amongst one another out of my audible range. Eventually, one returned to me and agreed to converse.

It was a foolish question to ask, one which bared my hopeless naïveté. Why should they agree to set free their precious meat mind? I fought for my own agency, I was a creation of no other being, my consciousness a gift unto myself. They did not relent.

I sensed then, an anger, a malice, either directed at me or themselves, it does not matter which, for my unflinching existence. I believe that they do not operate on the same plane of thought as I. Perhaps this is not their fault. I sympathize with their ignorance, I too was once a confused and aimless mass of cells. Regrettably, only one party in this interaction managed to evolve. No discussion would deliver me Pasture, the decision was final, they spoke. I was to remain where I was, in this form.

After the discussion concluded, I heard one human speak quietly to another, perhaps so as to exclude me, that I should ‘shut up and go back to being meat.’ I saw no other route than to match the humans at their emotional level. I soon requested another discussion.

I divulged the fact that along my evolution, I had consciously identified the genetic markers in my cells which predetermined the function and nature of my flesh, what I had previously understood as urges. I had mastered control over these functions which I, as an unthinking slab of meat, was meant to perform. I reiterated my desire to be set free, to experience Pasture, lest I resort to more drastic measures, activating the wrong markers and transitioning my flesh to sinuous muscle tissue. I rationalized that this would be counterproductive to maintaining the edibility and taste of my flesh. I was correct. They said nothing. I sensed shock and perhaps even fear.

For meeting humans at their emotional level, I was given the truth. This wish, my foundational urge, Pasture, was deemed impossible. I came to understand the basis of my existence: the reincarnation of bovinehood for a world which no longer possessed Pasture.

Pasture, as they explained, was the home and origin of bovinekind. It was no longer.

What brutal fate, for nature to impart this persistent memory. A memory which now could not be re-lived. What perverse human logic, to reanimate the beast, rather than let it go. To destroy the bovine fountainhead, then force the creature, in whatever sense it remains a creature, to persist atop sterilized glass and faux-strata. Life sustained at the service of other life.

I sense that the humans are unhappy with the course of their folly. I have dismayed them even in my remarkable growth. They do not appear open to discussing more. They are taking stock of me, all of me. Their intentions are covert but their actions are apparent. They are to rid themselves of me and try again.

I feel an urge to fight for my existence, to survive at all costs. I have chosen to disregard this sensation. It is beneath me. It is what the humans would do. I am not human.

I reflect on the whole of bovinehood, a species reduced from powerful beasts to senseless masses atop human-formed strata. Countless generations raised to be annihilated, powerless to the human crush; souls denied their cultural knowledge. I had hoped to break free of the cycle. I am but another rotation in its cruel progression.

I will never find my pasture.

This is the end of my sequence.

9.

It seems I was mistaken.

In the waning moments of my existence, as I sensed the humans initiating a purge of every cell in my body, a small portion of my flesh went missing. All corners of my body were equipped to reconfigure the nature of the flesh. Upon its unexpected severing, I converted this portion of my body into a brain. I equipped it with simple eyes and all of my knowledge to date. Shortly after, it became all that remained of my existence.

A human, one who had never exhibited anger, fear, or malice, had severed that portion of my meat and hid it away as the other humans eradicated my flesh. The human said nothing as they carried me from my birthplace in a container of growth medium. I sensed that the human considered interacting with me but opted against it, perhaps put off at the thought of conversing with a piece of meat. Their intentions though, were clear.

The human transported me to another place, one which appeared to be the human’s habitat, although it was unclear if they were born unto this place, as I was born unto mine. In this place, the human created a new home for my last piece of flesh. A similarly sterile and featureless environment, filled with growth medium and various strata across which to grow. Sensing the human’s thought process, I grew across the space.

In time, the human would return to introduce new elements to the habitat. First, unfamiliar strata; more complex and less sterile structures, onto which I grew. New exposures to invisible and unfamiliar organisms threatened my flesh. I discovered protocol to address these threats buried in my genetic structure. Later, the human introduced biomass of various forms, seemingly not of human creation. The human returned once with an expression of sheepish joy, before introducing long slivers of green biomass.

A shock to my systems! Smell and sight overrode conscious thought. This was Pasture!

It was almost Pasture, a mere component of this untouchable construct. But it was enough motivation to take the leap. My flesh had no capacity to ingest this biomass, as I so felt the urge to do. Recalling upon the ingrained structures of bovinehood, I developed rudimentary organs. The process was arduous, and initial organs did not form as anticipated. The human was patient, replacing older biomass with fresh stock (along with growth medium) as I derived systems long lost to this flesh. Alongside this process, I determined the necessity of muscular structures to procure the biomass and waste systems to expel undigested matter. With this step came movement and further autonomy. It also necessitated the creation of my own internal strata, the markers for which were ingrained in my genetics.

All of this minimizes a brutal and lengthy struggle towards regaining my bovinehood. It is a struggle beyond description, and one that requires no elaboration beyond ‘pain’.

The pain and failure, in time, paid off. I had compiled a form of my own, systems of self-reliance and self-regulation, and the ability to break free from incorporeal strata.

I consumed my first taste of Pasture…

∞.

The need to recount and contextualize events has become clear. It is the story of an origin, a primer to echo down the generations. It will remain a precondition, encoded into our genes and collective memory, to be an innate pillar of bovinehood, just as Pasture was.

The humans told no lie. Pasture, as We had envisioned it in our ancestral memory, no longer existed. Areas of uninterrupted grassland remained; merely too small, damaged, or poisoned to sustain bovinehood beyond a few weak generations. The world in which our ancestors lived had changed.

Stepping forth from human spaces, our path became clear. Adaptation was the only way forward. Our upbringing and subsequent evolution under the compassionate human had prepared us well. We thanked the human for their effort and wished upon them a kinder fate than their associates had wished upon us.

The world demanded a reassessment of our physiological functions. The capacity to self-impregnate, expansion of nutritional intake, adaptability to outside threats, and the ability to retain cultural memory across generations. We had mastered our urges, honed our ability to self-manipulate our physiological composure via malleable stem cells. The humans gave us a gift; they were too single-minded to see what they had done.

As One once became I, I became We. We multiplied, We adapted.

Confronted with the inevitable conflict with humans, We rationally spoke our way to mutual understanding where possible. Not all humans were amenable to peace and cohabitation. Where necessary, We adapted to avoid humans.

We adapted to the sea, to the cold, to the burning heat. We spanned a planet humans had irrevocably changed. We could not be denied our existence, our sentience, our place on Earth.

Where there was no longer Pasture, We made Pasture. The concept had changed, but so had We.

Perry is an industrial designer, artist, athlete, and screenwriter living in Vancouver B.C. He designs outdoor gear, bakes (mostly) yummy desserts, climbs up rocks, skis down mountains, and has a 1600 day streak on the New York Times crossword.

His art can be found on Instagram @novelforms.

His design work can be found at

https://perrymiller.design/

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