Yes, you CAN negotiate your bills without being a jerk

Discretionary bills are among the easiest to negotiate because I could, theoretically, cancel my service and walk away. This goes for industries where there’s a lot of competition, like home security, or that provide nonessential services, like satellite radio. There’s a lot less wiggle room when it comes to the basics, like electric and water.

“All service providers are a little different and have their specific nuances on how much they will reduce your bill,” Barry Gross, founder and president of BillCutterz, tells me. “Some offer more discounts than others, and there is no way to specifically know what discounts you might receive without contacting your provider to find out.”

So I need to reach out. But how do I do it? And do I really have to pick up the phone myself?

Kurland says that it’s totally possible for me to negotiate my bills on my own… if I have the time and patience. (That’s a big if.) He recommends doing some research about competitors’ rates and calling the company during business hours on a workday. Once I’ve reached a representative, I should tell them I’d like to cancel my service because I’ve decided to switch because of competitor X’s specific deal that will save me Y dollars a month.

This “basically pushes a little red button on their side,” Kurland said. It goes from a regular service call to a retention one. They’ll start thinking, “we've got to find a way to keep this customer,” he added.

Being polite is key — after all, it’s not the little guy’s fault the Megacorp Man has astronomical rates. No yelling. If I can get the rep’s first name and use it often, it’ll build rapport, Gross says.

I still need to be assertive, though.

“Never take the first offer. When offered a discount, always pause — maybe five seconds of silence — and ask, ‘What else can you do to lower my monthly bill?’” Gross says.

I should do this after the second offer, as well. I need to remain silent, even if it’s awkward for my usually chatty self.

Once I’ve gotten the price as low as I think it’ll go, I’ll want to thank them and do what Gross refers to as a “wrap.” I should wrap up by asking the rep to summarize the details of the discounts, how long they’ll apply and whether they can email me a confirmation. I should also make sure that this doesn’t change my contract. 

Then, Kurland says, I should hang up and call back. When I inquire about my bill this time, the person on the phone should reply that oh, he sees on the computer that I just got a discount. The amount should match what the other rep just told me. If he doesn’t, then I’ve got to start the whole process over again.

Sounds exhausting, right? Well, both Kurland and Gross have companies that will do the negotiating for me... if I give them a cut of the savings. (Neither BillFixers nor BillCutterz will charge me if they fail to reduce my bills.)

(but please don't tell me you scrolled past all of my hard work)

I can negotiate my bills and still be a nice person by doing my research, calling my provider and being insistent about getting a discount. It can take a lot of time and effort, so I might want to consider hiring a third party to do it for me.

My sources were obviously a bit biased, but it does seem like the biggest con of outsourcing my negotiations is the fact that I don’t get 100% of the money saved back. There are lots of pros, though, including that the companies’ employees will likely know the best questions to ask, the proper department to reach and when to call back to renegotiate.

Plus — and this is a major selling point for me — I don’t have to do it myself.

“Hassling and haggling with service providers is not something people typically like to do,” Gross says. “We all already have a lot of stress in our lives. If there is a way to alleviate some and it saves me money, I am in.”

via GIPHY

check out this crazy celebrity purchase

via Instagram

Queen Lizzo recently bought lunch for a fleet of medical workers in Arizona — something she’s done in Michigan, Mississippi, California, Washington and Ohio. At this point she’s fed hundreds of essential employees because, in her words, they’re “being so brave and working so hard, making sure that we’re safe and healthy and healing people.” Conclusion: Lizzo’s heart is good as hell.

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send me cute pictures of your pets, please

CREDIT: MIRANDA OW

This is Mittens, a real cat in Nevada who spends her days making biscuits on a pillow cat. Every once in a while, Mittens calls customer service to lower the claw-st of her cell phone bill.

Gotta go watch Down to Earth. 

See you next week.

Mrs. Efron

P.S. Have you ever successfully negotiated a bill? How much money did you save, and how did you do it? What would you do if you saw a moose in your pool? You know the drill… email me at julia.glum@money.com or tweeting @SuperJulia.