Getting to know myself has been crucial. Now I've found a pretty major piece of the puzzle

May 16

I have been procrastinating for an hour and half with this newsletter by fiddling with all the bits at the bottom first rather than just write what I want to write. The thing is I have been wanting to write about this for a few weeks now. I wanted to wait until I had told all my best friends but it’s Mental Health Awareness Week and so it feels fitting to write about it now and besides, I have struggled to find the words to tell those nearest and dearest to me but somehow writing to people who don’t know me in person is easier. Go figure! I also thought about doing a Medium post but in the end I have decided I would rather tell you guys first.

So here goes. Buckle in, this is a long one!

I have done all the tests and assessments and have been officially diagnosed with ADHD. Now I know I have written about this before and have also shared posts about ADHD on my Instagram and Twitter accounts but for some reason as soon as the psychiatrist told me I definitely had it, I felt shy. I guess it’s a fear of judgement. There are so many misconceptions about ADHD. Most people associate it with naughty boys who can’t sit still when in fact it often presents itself differently in girls who are more likely to be described as being away with the fairies, emotional and unable to stop talking. I was worried I would have to defend myself and my neurodivergent brain while still coming to terms with something I have had my whole life but which has gone unnoticed and later, misdiagnosed by professionals. It’s also something that has impacted my mental health negatively, hence wanting to raise it this week.

I know you’re here to read about single life but I wanted to quickly write about what led me to this diagnosis because a number of people asked me the last time I mentioned it. I am also hoping my story might help people in similar boats. The story begins around five years ago I think. I went to the GP convinced I had cervical cancer. One of the reasons was – and sorry if this is too much information but I want to highlight how sometimes mental health problems can also cause physical health problems – I was suddenly needing to go for a wee a lot more. It was worst at night. I would go to the loo at night, empty my bladder and then lie down and immediately feel desperate for the loo again. This would go on and on until sometimes I was crying with tiredness and frustration. My doctor began by asking about all my physical symptoms then began asking me lots of questions about my work and my lifestyle. This went on for some time and I was wondering where it was going when he said that he would do all the tests to double check but that he thought I was suffering from stress and anxiety and my body was in constant flight-or-fight mode hence the physical symptoms such as needing the loo urgently and often (a problem I still struggle with). As soon as he said it, I knew he was right. Later the tests results came back as predicted and I was diagnosed with chronic stress and referred to have CBT therapy.

After completing that and then doing 16 weeks of another type of therapy, I began to wonder if being self-employed was the cause of my chronic stress. Yes, journalism is a stressful job but plenty of people cope with it and I thought maybe I just couldn’t cope with the added fear of not knowing where my next piece of work was coming from. I got a full-time staff journalism job, partly to test this theory. After six months, I felt worse than ever. I found it impossible to concentrate in the office with everyone around me and would have to sneak off to quieter spots to finish longer pieces of work. I was overwhelmed from all the constant stimulation and I was unable to switch off and relax when I got home at night. I was exhausted from having to fake it every single day and try and act just how everyone else was acting even though I often wanted to scream or burst into tears. My insomnia was at its worst, not helped by the ever-changing shift patterns which sometimes saw me being on until midnight and then a few days later having to wake up at 5 to do the early shift. I missed being able to have down days where I did less work. I missed being able to have a lie in if I’d had a particularly bad night with my insomnia. I missed being able to concentrate in the quiet of my kitchen. I missed being able to take my “mask” off at home. I realised my chronic stress had not in fact been caused by being self-employed. After a period of drinking too much and behaving erratically, I went back to my GP.

This led to referrals to see whether I had bipolar disorder and after several appointments with a very young junior psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with “depression with periods of hypomania” which felt like a really weird half-diagnosis that didn’t fit the bill. I was offered medication for the hypomania side, which I didn’t want to take as I didn’t trust the diagnosis and my GP told me what I had been prescribed was very strong. I made the decision to go freelance again and it was while working at an event at Tortoise, a slow media publication, that I heard an amazing woman called Nancy Doyle speaking about her own late diagnosis of ADHD. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. In fact, every fibre of my body stood to attention. The room quite literally blurred into nothing as every part of me was suddenly solely focused on every single word of what she was saying. This was it, I thought.

Afterwards I spoke to her and told her about my weird diagnosis and she said it was quite common for women to be misdiagnosed with all sorts of mental health problems and bipolar was a really common misdiagnosis. Chronic stress and insomnia are also a common side effects for those with undiagnosed/unmedicated ADHD, she told me. The next day I once again called my GP who agreed it was possible I actually had ADHD. He put me on the waiting list in London and warned me it was five years long. Five years! I considered going private but couldn’t afford it. Fast forward to this year and I am browsing Twitter when a journalist I know wrote about her own late diagnosis and how she had managed to get seen within a few months thanks to Psychiatry UK and the right to choose. This is the route I ended up taking.

Anyway you may be wondering what all this has got to do with being single? Good question. I have long wondered why others seem to find relationships easy and simple and satisfying whereas they turn me into an emotional wreck and as I began to read more about ADHD, it became clear that it could be a factor as to why. None of this research prepared me for the moment the psychiatrist asked me how long my longest relationship had been during my assessment. It was like a punch in the gut. Wow, I thought. It really is a thing. Afterwards I googled it, and the first article I came across began with the line “It’s a fact; a person with ADD is hard to love.” Hard. To. Love. Words that no-one wants to read, let alone someone who has just been diagnosed with the thing that apparently makes me so difficult to love.

Having said that, I can also understand why. People with ADHD, but especially women, tend to struggle with emotional regulation and have low self-esteem, both of which aren’t great recipes for stable relationships. We tend to go hell for leather during the first part of any experience e.g. a new job, a new relationship, a new project and then struggle to keep up those energy levels up without feeling totally overwhelmed. Many people with ADHD also suffer from Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is when people feel extreme emotional sensitivity and pain when they think they are being rejected or criticised. These are all things that make long-term, stable relationships quite difficult (although not impossible). Side note that is also relevant; people with ADHD are also more likely to get into abusive relationships (probably due to having such low self-esteem).

Of course after reading all this, I was pretty upset but I started to wonder about how being single may have actually been really good for me during all these years of being undiagnosed and unmedicated. I’ve had to develop some pretty good coping mechanisms to try and keep myself balanced and keep my chronic stress relatively under control. I have also been able to focus on myself and what’s best for me. When I first decided to take myself “off the market” and actively choose to be single, it was because I was exhausted from going from one disastrous relationship to another. I would totally lose myself in these relationships and emerge a shell of a human afterwards. I wanted stability and, for me, stability meant being on my own. Looking back now and I am so proud of myself for making that decision. I had no idea what was going on inside my brain at the time, but all my instincts told me I needed to be alone. I knew fundamentally that I deserved the stability that came with nurturing the relationship I have with myself.

There’s a word that is sometimes bandied about when describing single and childfree people and that is selfish. It’s such a negative word but actually I have been selfish these last few years and I am OK with admitting that. I know there will be some people reading this who have conditions, either physical or mental, that impact their lives. Sometimes when we have things like this, the best thing we can do is be a little bit selfish. So that is my mental health awareness week message.

Focusing on yourself while you try and find some kind of equilibrium is actually a really healthy form of selfishness, in my opinion. The most important relationship we all have, whether single or not, is with ourselves – and it has been a joy to really truly get to know myself and what works for me over the last eight years of being single. This diagnosis feels like a pretty major piece of the puzzle. I really feel like I have unlocked something and now I am looking forward to seeing what like will be like now that door has opened. There are also many positives to having ADHD. People with it tend to be bursting with ideas (check!), have boundless energy and enthusiasm, especially for new projects (check!), they are creative and curious (check!), they are natural and deep empaths (check!), they are spontaneous and willing to go with the flow (check!), they are often more open and willing to try new things and break free from the status quo (check!) and their real superpower is being able to really hyperfocus on something when it really interests them meaning they sometimes work super fast (check!). So it really isn’t all bad and I wanted to highlight that!

If you think there might be something deeper going on with you, please ask to be referred by your GP (or primary care doctor if you are not in the UK). Learning the truth about who you are has been devastating and empowering in equal measures in equal measures. I hope that anyone reading this who is struggling to get the support they need will feel reassured that you will get there eventually. Keep pushing to be taken seriously. Keep going back to your doctor. Ask for all the available options for diagnosis and treatment. Do your research. Reach out to others who are on similar journeys to you. Keep talking. Don’t give up.

For those interested in reading more about ADHD and the impact a late diagnosis can have, here are some articles I found useful:

And to all those who don’t grapple with neurodiversity or mental health issues, thanks for reading this far. Normal service focused much more on being single to be resumed next week!

Lots of love,

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

What made me think

'I'm not saying I think your life is like Sex and the City'

I loved this open conversation between two friends on their diverging life choices and how it plays out in friendship dynamics (which echoes some of the stuff I discussed in the Sentimental and the city edition). I thought it was so refreshing to read something so honest. This stood out: “Sometimes, when I think about your life I'm like: ‘Tiffany is this, super fun person who gets to write about what she wants and she’s writing a book and she's doing all this cool stuff and she lives with her trendy flatmate,’ and I'm not saying I think your life is Sex and the City, but it's easy to put that narrative on it. And that really elides all the complexity that I know is in your life and complexity that I know is in your history because I've been with you through all of that.”

Things you should check out

The overlooked benefits of being single for 20 years, in world that revolves around couples – This is by Emma John who was my guest writer last week.
‘I Don’t Know How to Be Single’ – The problem in this agony aunt column made my heart hurt. This was how I felt when I was in my early twenties.
Fortunately... with Fi and Jane (188. The Cream of Slough, with your Emails) – Some nice single chat starts at around 10 minutes in to this podcast.
How To Fail With Elizabeth Day (bonus episode with Alex George) – This was such a moving listen. Trigger warning, they discuss Alex’s brother’s suicide. He also discusses being single during the pandemic and throwing himself into work.
The Adventures of Miss Barbara Pym by Paula Byrne review – life and loves of a true original – I always like to read about women in history who went against the grain when it was even harder to do then than it is now.
Feelings don't exist in a vacuum – I found this really interesting in Franki Cookney’s newsletter The Overthinker’s Guide To Sex.
I’ve been watching in horror at what is happening in Palestine. I’ve donated to Medical Aid for Palestine and Palestine Children’s Relief Fund to help with medical treatment for the many innocent civilians who have been injured.
Changing minds: 20 mental health leaders supporting the nation’s wellbeing – I wrote this article for Positive News.
Memory, mindset and the self: Taking your life writing to the next level – one for the writers who are reading this especially those who want to develop a regular writing practice! Here’s a special discount code for readers of this newsletter: Singlesupp10 will get you 10% off the ticket price.
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram if you don’t already!
Loved this living alone life hack from one of my heroes:
Monica Lewinsky (she/her) @MonicaLewinsky
how to put on a bracelet when no one is around.
May 15th 2021
5,199 Retweets100,080 Likes

Words I love

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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