1) Trips to the grocery are cheaper (half the price).
2) The self-checkout option in stores makes life a lot easier (half the time).
3) Folding laundry takes less time (see reason 2).
4) You decide what happens whenever.
5) Wandering eyes no longer yield consequences (they didn’t before).
6) No more three-and-a-half-hour-long drives to be cute with strangers (like they did).
7) Impressing friends, parents, and pets is no longer an issue.
8) Full access to bedroom blankets and comforters is now available.
9) There’s zero chance of someone letting you down (only pallbearers and the truth can do that now).
10) After a while, your head becomes echoey (and that quiet is dangerous).
11) You get to hear your thoughts in mono (short for monarch).
12) Hobbies belong to you and only you.
13) Judgmental stares during holiday parties build character (supposedly (maybe (definitely))).
14) Personal mortality is significantly reduced (according to statistics).
15) Screaming offspring can’t drain you (take a deep breath now).
16) Midnight bourbons feel much stiffer.
17) Checking out in any context happens effortlessly.
18) Heartaches now come from poor diet.
19) Affronts to the divine only disturb the neighbors (on occasion).
20) Poetry starts to make sense to you.
21) Your brain sets itself on fire more than usual, and
22) You can watch it all go down by watching your reflection.
23) Your sad face and fat lips become clearer (just like they said).
24) So do your gut, hips, and thighs (just like they said).
25) Retrospective thinking becomes more objective than before.
26) It also becomes more contorted.
27) You wonder why they picked you in the first place
28) Only to leave you.
29) You can admit that it was you (most of the time).
30) Nobody can judge you while you choke in your noose (metaphorically speaking).
31) And checking out becomes easier.

Thank you for reading this edition of The Morning Owl. If you liked what you saw here, please leave a like, subscribe, leave a comment, and share this newsletter. Until we meet again, do take care.