Gawk Hole drops top squawk in “fuckboy” extended universe

Sean Thor Conroe’s debut novel ‘Fuccboi’ captures nothing of our current moment

During the final years of the Obama era, there was one question on everyone’s mind: What is a fuccboi? The term’s origins (and spelling) are murky — a loser, or maybe homophobic prison slang — but however it began, fuccboi quickly became shorthand for young men who are unwilling to commit to a relationship and probably listen to Drake: an epithet granted the lazy application and lack of force once reserved for “hipster.” Derivations like the softboi also had their day in the sun before we all basically moved on to more pressing issues, like men who text too much and then not at all. So when it was announced that a major publishing house would be releasing a book of literary fiction titled Fuccboi in 2022, more than a half a decade after the explainers had dried up, bookish observers paused the latest round of the Franzen Accords to pose another question: What?

Fuccboi, written by Sean Thor Conroe, is narrated by Sean Thor Conroe, a twenty-something Swarthmore graduate living in Philadelphia in the late 2010s. Conroe delivers Postmates, develops extreme eczema caused by a mysterious immune disorder, films rap videos which closely resemble ones made by Conroe the novelist, and occasionally works on his book. In between, he reads autofiction luminaries and feels guilty about past relationships. The book functions as a kind of younger millennial Künstlerroman, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Stan.

Besides the titular fuccboi, Conroe feels like another detested strawman brought to life: the lit bro. Reading Infinite Jest freshman year literally changed his life, after which he “tried shrooms and quit basketball to go abroad to study writing, only to cultivate a nicotine addiction, a molly habit, contract herpes the second (or third) day I was there (was never sure which girl it was), and end up engaging in a semester-long flex beef with my creative writing prof.”

WELCOME TO TALK HOLE, A MONTHLY TOPICAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN COMEDIANS ERIC SCHWARTAU AND STEVEN PHILLIPS-HORST. TALK HOLE BEGAN IN 2015 AS A STANDUP SHOW IN CHINATOWN, THEN A SERIES OF PROMOTIONAL CAMPAIGNS AND ART ACTIVATIONS, AND NOW THIS COLUMN.

STEVEN: So what is the vibe here? The articles seem a little random. Every piece is either like “In Defense of Mac & Cheese” or a 6,000 word literary review. Who’s the audience?

ERIC: Millennials on their laptops. Who like dairy.

STEVEN: I want this column to be an homage to the old Gawker. Outing celebs, ruining lives, gossip, rumors, etc…

ERIC: So you’re going to out someone?

STEVEN: Yes. Get the cannon ready.

ERIC: Day one at Gawker and legal is already in a tailspin.

STEVEN: You’re not really saying anything worthwhile unless lawyers are reviewing it.

ERIC: Live, laugh, litigate.

STEVEN: Ok, I’m outing… wait for it… Tom Cruise.

ERIC: Ok, I’m outing… wait for it… Rosie O'Donnell. The ‘90s called — they want their outing back.

Martha, go with God

There are few celebrities who brave the humiliation of public scrutiny and morally untenable affluence with the panache of Martha Stewart. The 80-year-old stockbroker-turned-lifestyle maven — the face of several magazines back when people read them, 97 books, a syndicated advice column, a long-running radio program, and enough branded home goods to keep the global population in supply of salad forks for the next millennium — is by all counts an American treasure. She was famously busted for flagrant insider training, then never snitched and took her time head down, later befriended and possibly bedded weed king Snoop Dogg, bagged Anthony Hopkins himself, and now spends her free hours posting quasi-literary musings from her farm in Katonah, New York, surrounded by poultry and plows at almost every turn. We should all be so lucky.

So riddle me this: since when is no-snitch Stewart a narc? Here’s an item in People on Jan. 26:

Earlier this month, Ina Garten commented on a post of Reese Witherspoon's and revealed that her "formula" for coping with the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic includes drinking "more large cosmos." But Stewart isn't totally on board with that advice.

"I do not agree about taking to drink to cope with things like the pandemic," the lifestyle expert and businesswoman tells PEOPLE in this week's issue. "To me that's not charming."

And Bravo's complicit

By now, you’ve probably gotten a six-minute-long voice memo from me about the firing of Jennie Nguyen, a one-season Real Housewives of Salt Lake City cast member who posted anti-Black, pro-policing memes on Facebook in 2020, one year before she joined the show. I don’t want to link or allude to them directly; they’re gross. It’s especially complicated because Jennie came to the United States as a refugee from Vietnam as a child, and throughout the season, she’s been the target of anti-Asian slurs and impersonations from Mary M. Cosby, who is a Black woman (and an alleged cult leader who married and had a child with her step-grandfather Robert Sr).

Here are my truths on the matter.

Was Mary M. Cosby’s behavior vile, and did she actively refuse to learn from Jennie’s condemnation? Absolutely.

Was Mary M. Cosby a victim of trafficking by her late grandmother, hoping to consolidate power in the church, and is as a result, mentally unwell? Maybe.

And was Jennie, sometimes, while doing impressions of Mary, affecting her own sort of racist speech pattern? Definitely.

Isn't it sad when people die?

Undead Father’s mother has died, and now we have to hear about it — a lot. It’s the only thing we hear about for the whole episode, in fact. I hope you weren’t expecting to check in with Uncle, Sister’s Husband, Councilman Brother’s Daughters, or Jennifer Morrison, because today we only have: Undead Father’s Dead Mother and Her Various Ohio Friends. Let’s see what’s up with them.

FIRST, MAY I INQUIRE ABOUT MOTHER?

Yes, right now Mother is young and full of life. At one point, she drove herself and the children to Ohio. At another, she suggested Undead Father wear a gray suit to Undead Father’s Dead Mother’s funeral, because he didn’t have a black suit, and suits “are so expensive.” Mother, please. Have some grace.

AND THE CHILDREN?

The children are mostly being gauche about the situation of Undead Father’s Dead Mother, though admittedly they never met her. Actor Brother wants to play in the snow, Sister doesn’t want to wear the mittens Undead Father’s Dead Mother made because they “feel like bugs,” etc. Children, please. Have some grace.

AND UNDEAD FATHER … HOW IS HE?