For those who don’t know, Shani Silver is a powerhouse when it comes to shifting the conversation around being single. Based in New Orleans in the US, Shani is an author and podcaster. Her name, in case you didn’t know, is pronounced like “rainy” with a “sh.” Her podcast, A Single Serving Podcast, launched in April of 2019 in the hopes of giving single women content that—for once—didn’t revolve around dating. Her book, A Single Revolution: Don't look for a match—light one, published in October of 2021 to help the single community reframe singlehood for themselves and shed the shame-filled, negative narratives around single life. Following ten years of fruitless use, Shani permanently deleted her dating apps in January of 2019. She has loved her life ever since.

I was introduced to her by another British freelancer Rose Stokes who saw me tweet about why I decided the launch this newsletter in 2019 and suggested I check out Shani’s podcast, which she had launched earlier the same year and which had a similar ethos to The Single Supplement. I knew immediately I had found a kindred spirit. From there came an invite to be one of her guests. It was one of the first podcast interviews I’d done and also one of the first times I properly sat down to talk about my experiences of being single and my thoughts on what it means to be single and why it’s so important to talk about.

Last year, Shani took her writing one step further and released her book A Single Revolution: Don't Look for a Match. Light One, which is a powerful read that to me almost feels like a manifesto for single women, a call to arms, and the kind of book that makes you want to fist pump the air after reading. I know a lot of you will really enjoy it if you haven’t read it already.

A few weeks ago I asked Shani some questions about her experience of single life and I’m going to share some of her thoughts here, as well as what her answers made me think about. The first question I always ask anyone I interview for this newsletter is how they currently feel about being single and Shani’s response is my favourite and felt like a good antidote to the existential dread I’ve been feeling since the turn of the year, which so many of you told me you related to.

Shani told me:

I feel real. I feel like a whole, valid, real person, and coming from over a decade of feeling pretty incomplete and low, that's saying a lot. I genuinely look forward to my future relationships, but my life isn't missing anything before they happen. I feel very comfortable, content, and lucky.

I love that the first thing she said was that she feels real. I think that’s so important to remember. Society and culture might shove the idea of how we need a partner to “complete” us or be our “other halves” but the reality is we are whole, valid, real people like Shani says. One is a whole number. Whether you want to find a partner in the future or not, I think it’s important to remind yourself of this because it will only stand you in good stead if you do enter a relationship and if we are to remain single, it’s important to remember our lives are just as valid as anyone else’s. It can be easy to forget this what with all the messages we receive from the books, films, TV we consume or the conversations we have with coupled-up people.

When Shani was launching the book, I asked via an Instagram which of the chapters in the book was her favourite. She said she loved them all but that the one entitled Delete Your Dating Apps was a special one. This happens to be the chapter in the book that got people in the Whatsapp group (a paying subscriber’s benefit) talking. As Shani points out in the chapter, some people may enjoy the dating apps and have success on them so the advice is for those who hate being on dating apps but feel like they are the only option if they want a partner. I asked Shani what advice she would give to people in this position.

She said it could be helpful to reframe the problem and evaluate why you want a partner so badly in the first place. She asked: “What exactly do you think it's going to do for you, and is that actually worth feeling bad because you don't have it or have trouble finding it?”

She continued:

To me this suggests a sense of incompleteness, and we are simply NOT incomplete. Next, I think when you feel compelled to use dating apps or you'll "never find someone," you've started viewing life through a VERY small window, and dating apps are great at making you think they're your only option, no matter how many YEARS you spend using them to no avail.

We live in a world much larger than what exists on our phone, and sometimes you have to take a step back and remind yourself that you deserve so much more than swiping your adulthood away. 

As she says in A Single Revolution, dating apps are designed to keep you on them and designed to encourage you to re-download them again if you do manage to break free for a short time. That’s how the companies that run them make their money - by making you feel like you need them and that there is absolutely no other way to meet someone.

Of course many of you who subscribe to this newsletter are simply not interested in finding a partner or being on dating apps anyway but Shani’s wisdom could still help us all lead better lives. Fundamentally she believes we would all be happier if society realised we are all complete whether we have a partner or not. I asked her what could change to improve things for those who are single and she said:

Stop assuming we're operating at a deficit. Couplehood and singlehood are equal in value and validity. The sooner we start understanding that and putting it into practice, the sooner future generations of singles never have to deal with things we've all struggled with for years. 

Amen! I couldn’t agree more. Hopefully you enjoyed reading her thoughts. Paying subscribers, watch out for an email with the rest of the Q&A. If you are not, do consider clicking the button below and signing up so you can read the rest of what Shani’s words. The more people who sign up to support, the more content I’ll be able to get out to you so do please consider it, if you are in the financial position to do so.

Have a good week!

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

Unattached

For those who don’t know, I’ve written an essay in a book called Unattached, Essays On Singlehood, which has been edited by Angelica Malin and is being published by Square Peg books which is a imprint of Penguin. It’s out really soon on February 3rd.

My essay is all about the seasons of friendships. I explore how it feels not to hit the life milestones that society expects you to hit (when everyone around you is), how to navigate friendship when everything changes when marriage and babies come along. It’s also about the joy of making new friends and why having single friends will keep you sane but also, importantly, about retaining your old friends even when your lives look very different. Oh and I quote both Fleetwood Mac and Dolly Alderton in the essay. For long time followers, it’s essentially a follow up to the HuffPost essay I wrote back in 2019 which kickstarted this whole thing.

It’s one of 30 essays so if this doesn’t resonate, there are many more perspectives and points of view to read in the book and some top names have contributed! I received a proof copy last week and began reading it at the weekend. I am loving finally reading all the other essays. There are some really good ones.

I recorded the audio of the essay the other week (see instagram post below) and it made me feel all kinds of feelings – and one of them was nerves about people reading it, which is funny because I write things all the time – but there is something about seeing your work in a book and also the idea of all these top names reading my work!!

You can pre-order it from here or here or here.

Things you should check out

• 'I'm Single By Choice and I Don't Ever Want Kids' – Written by Carla Watkins who is a member of this community!

• 'For the first time, I feel really sexy and beautiful': Is a nude portrait actually the best way to boost your self-esteem? – I love this idea by Radhika Sandhani whose book, Thirty Things I Love About Myself, I’m reading at the moment.

• What it’s really like to experience heartbreak – and what the films get wrong – Another by Radhika!

• The Uncertainty of Motherhood When You’re the 37-Year-Old Fun Single Aunt – Painfully relatable to me.

• "I've been single for seven years and I've learned to love being alone" – this is an oldie but I’ve only just stumbled across it.

• Friendships: what it’s like to make friends on social media – yes it is possible!

• Single By Choice? Why Indian Women Are Opting To Be On Their Own – Things are changing all over the world!

• How I Reclaimed Desirability As A Black Woman After A Breakup – This is a personal essay but also explores Western beauty standards and how black women are treated on dating apps.

• Now That My Kids Are Grown, I’m Learning To Love Being Single – This is from December but I think I forgot to put it in at the time.

• The Gen X women who are happily divorced and won't be repartnering – shared in the Facebook group

• Not to be dramatic, but the past 18 months have been some of the loneliest of my entire life – “With this pandemic, a lot of us have been rolling with the punches and I wonder what will happen when we get the chance to really think about what we’ve been through.” Yep.

• Meeting my friend Jack changed what I thought I knew about men – A lovely read.

• How Covid killed the one-night stand – and made us all kinkier – A long read but an interesting one.

• I'm a single mum on £28k but live in my overdraft. How can I pay off my debt while still saving towards a better future for me and my son? – I think it’s really good that Glamour chose a single mum for their money dilemma as you don’t often see them being picked!

• At 41 I don’t feel like I belong on dating apps, so this year I’m determined to meet someone in person – Fitting for what Shani talks about above.

• Trauma could be impacting your sex life without you even realising it, here's how to spot the signs – a good read.

• How To Identify Your Emotional Blind Spots – & Why They Can Change Your Life – Not about being single but thought it was interesting!

• Dogs, daily delights and ditching Twitter: could a ‘fun-tervention’ improve my life – in just one month? – Again not about being single, but a ‘fun’ read nonetheless!

• Writer Kat Brown is crowdfunding with Unbound for her book of essays which will be called No One Talks About This Stuff and is all about infertility, childlessness, baby loss and almost motherhood. I’ve spoken to Kat and the book will be inclusive of the single experience. Consider contributing (it’s basically pre-ordering as you get a copy of the book if she reaches the target) as it’s important to shine a light on the things we aren’t meant to talk about!

• Have you joined the Facebook group? If not, click here.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, where I spend most of my time!

About me

nicola_slawson

A post shared by Nicola Slawson (@nicola_slawson)

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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