Gawker - Fighting for a yassified Ireland

Keep it traditional with Mary J. Blige and Phoebe Bridgers's boyfriend

As the Girl Queen’s official royal biographer, I recognize and honor all of her beautiful collectible countries while also advocating for peace and brotherhood between her little pet Northern Ireland and the emancipated wild child, the sovereign Republic of Ireland. As they say, according to a web page of Irish slang I just spent two hours looking at, you must take the small potato with the big potato. I guess the craic is that I’m as Irish as the day is long, in that I’m in bed by 9:00, and I’m here to recommend some essential St. Patrick’s Day traditions for you to partake in today.

Read a Foundational Irish Text

The Catholic Bible is quite the tome, and by that I mean Sally Rooney’s Normal People. If you’re pressed for time, start by reading the Instagram comments from when Phoebe Bridgers posted photos of her boyfriend, who starred in the television adaptation of the book.

At the New York Film Critics Circle gala, we finally got to see what it's like when Gaga wins an acting award

What a long, strange ride it’s been. For almost five months we have followed along as Lady Gaga put on the performance of a lifetime, starring in the role of Woman Who Will Do Anything for an Oscar. Wednesday night was Gaga’s last show, and she went out with a bang.

The House of Gucci star attended the New York Film Critics Circle gala to collect her award for best actress, her only major win of the season, two weeks ahead of the Oscars, where she will not be a nominee. In her 13-minute speech, Gaga showed us what we have been missing by not giving her more chances to get up on a stage and talk about how incredible it is to be an Italian girl from New York.

“I’m so incredibly honored to receive this award in my hometown, Manhattan, New York,” Gaga said through tears. It should be noted that she has known she won this award since early December; the tears were not due to surprise, that’s just what she’s like.

Scarlett Johansson wouldn’t have, but this is a question for you.

Here’s something to think about: Would you have dated Colin Jost in high school?

In an episode of The Drew Barrymore Show that aired earlier this week, cream spokesperson Scarlett Johansson said she would not have. (She’s currently married to him, if you forgot.) “Personally, my brother had that same haircut, both of my brothers, and I just can’t,” she said. ”There’s no way.” You can see the haircut in question in Colin Jost’s high school yearbook photo, and I suggest taking a good look, because now it’s time for you to decide.

Maybe the yearbook photo is enough for you to choose whether you would or would not have dated boat co-owner Colin Jost in high school. Maybe you had a crush on a boy with that style of haircut, and now you’re feeling a swarm of warm butterflies in your stomach and chest. But if not, I have a few more young Colin Jost facts to help you make up your mind, via his “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” from Us Magazine.

The Trojan Horse Affair is the latest in a long line of podcasts trying to convince me it’s all about the journey

The Trojan Horse Affair, the latest investigative podcast from the New York Times-owned Serial Productions, seeks to answer answer one central question: Who wrote the so-called “Trojan Horse” letter, an anonymous hoax document from 2013 that purported to outline an “Islamist plot” to infiltrate British schools? Throughout the course of a four-year reporting process — distilled into eight episodes — hosts Brian Reed (a veteran radio journalist who co-created the podcast S-Town) and Hamza Syed (a doctor-turned-investigative journalism student from Birmingham, England) search for leads, eventually traveling to Perth, Australia to locate a source who could hold the key to their quest.

But when Reed and Syed arrive at the home of the source — well, first off, it’s the wrong house. They try a second time — nope, wrong house again. Finally, the journalists arrive at the right address, but the source refuses to meet with them. They attempt a stakeout, only for a couple of seemingly racist neighbors to call the police on them. They drive away, reflecting on the noble struggle of seeking the truth. The podcast ends shortly thereafter, its principal question left unanswered.

As a listener, my first reaction was fury. Had I just wasted seven hours of my life? But I shouldn’t have been surprised. The Trojan Horse Affair is just the latest in a long line of investigative journalism podcasts that, instead of delivering resolution, end up trying to convince listeners that the frustration of the journey is the interesting part.

Now you have no excuse for using them incorrectly

Apple released new emojis this week, and I’ve already got a bad case of Texter’s Thumb using them to punctuate my DM slides and my missives to my mom to ask what time I was born at for my birth chart, or whatever it is you sex-crazed knuckleheads claim you use your phones for. Some are self explanatory like this guy

which obviously means “I’ve come down with a temporary case of stress-induced Bell’s Palsy and cannot make it to the unmasked turn-up function.”

But other new emojis are not so literal (in the way of the eggplant emoji). Luckily, my media literacy and powers of perception have never been stronger, and I’m also very young. I will guide you through their best use cases.

BLOOD POUR

Blood is pouring out of a water glass, leaving no residue behind. There couldn’t have been more than a few tablespoons of blood in that cup to begin with, based on the footprint of the blood puddle. It would be hard to cauterize a stab wound quick enough that only that minute amount of blood spilled from the veins.

The only conclusion one can arrive at is that this is the cup that Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox drank each other’s blood out of after they got engaged under a banyan tree.

Employ this emoji to express to a loved one you’re watching Hulu’s The Dropout starring former Gawker Woman of the Week Amanda Seyfried.