Crooked Media - What A Day: More like Elon Busks

 -Madison Cawthorn, choice-of-words person

The fallout from the leaked Supreme Court opinion overturning Roe v. Wade continues as government leaders scramble to find protections for pregnant people and the focus shifts from seemingly toothless federal powers to those of individual states. 

• In some states, that means bolstered protections. For instance, the three Republican governors in New England (MA, VT, NH) have vowed to protect abortion rights in the event that the Court follows does overturn Roe v. Wade. This appeal to their constituents isn’t so surprising when you take into account that seven out of every 10 Americans do not want to see Roe overturned, and those three states are disproportionately blue-leaning.
   
• In similarly blue California, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-CA) has pledged to introduce an amendment that would make the country’s most populous state one of the first (and by definition the biggest) to enshrine the right to choose in its constitution.
   
• But in many red states, it’s emboldened legislators to further intimidate those seeking medical treatment. As if people with uteruses weren’t terrified enough, Republicans in the Louisiana House advanced a bill this week that would classify abortion as homicide and allow prosecutors to criminally charge patients.

And in Washington, the ideological fight has forced the spotlight onto a seemingly powerless federal government, and comically dishonest Republicans. 

• As key Democrats have signaled they will not support abolishing or reforming the Senate’s filibuster rules, President Biden has struggled to find meaningful actions he can take to protect the right to abortion among few potent options, and many administrative measures under consideration would likely face legal challenges from red states. 
   
• Meanwhile the really, truly, swear-to-god pro-choice Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) indicated she would oppose the Democrats’ Women’s Health Protection Act, which would codify Roe, when it comes to the Senate floor for a vote next Wednesday. Collins has introduced her own bill, along with Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK), but it is much narrower in scope, and has thus failed to gain enough support among Democrats to reach a simple majority. Senate Majority leader Chuck Schumer acknowledged that Wednesday’s vote will, thus, be largely symbolic. But, in his words, “America will be watching.”

Even if our hands are covering our eyes, and we’re peeking between our fingers, and those fingers are covered in mustard from the sandwich we just stress-ate, we are watching. And beyond watching, pro-choice advocates across the country are also organizing. Activists with the Women’s March, Ultra Violet, Planned Parenthood Action Fund, and Move On have announced a day of action on Saturday, May 14, which will include big protests in New York City, Washington, DC, Chicago, and Los Angeles. Let’s hope Republican Supreme Court justices and members of Congress are watching that.

Elon Musk is desperately seeking equity commitments from myriad investors, including super shady ones, to help him reduce the personal burden of the totally normal amount of money he offered up to buy Twitter. Musk has added more than a dozen new individuals and investment firms to support the bid, securing more than $7.1 billion from co-investors, including right-wing Oracle founder Larry Ellison, Saudi Arabia’s Prince Alwaleed, the Chinese cryptocurrency exchange Binance, Sequoia, and the Qatari sovereign wealth fund. Musk is also reportedly courting Twitter co-founder and current board member Jack Dorsey to throw in a few billion, presumably with all the nonchalance of asking if your friend wants to go in on fries for the table. With the investments and loans he’s secured thus far, Musk will still be responsible for coughing up $21.5 billion in cash. According to Forbes, he’s sold about $8 billion worth of Tesla stock thus far to make good on his commitment, but will continue to seek additional co-investors so he doesn’t accidentally send Tesla shares plummeting. Musk is currently the richest man in the world, but the vast majority of his paper wealth comes from the $265 billion valuation of his Tesla shares. While a variety of events could still derail his plan to become owner and CEO of the website where he posts his stalest memes, if all pans out financially, experts predict the deal could be closed by the end of the year.

• Many high profile attendees of last weekend’s White House Correspondents’ Association dinner have tested positive for coronavirus, including ABC News President Kim Godwin, ABC News correspondent Jonathan Karl, and Secretary of State Antony Blinken. Noticeably absent from the event? Dr. Anthony Fauci. Foiled by Fauci again, COVID!
   
• The Biden administration has announced a plan to seek bids on 60 million barrels of crude oil as a first step toward replenishing America’s emergency oil reserve, the first move of its kind since the early 2000s.
   
• Sarah Godlewski, the only woman running in the hotly contested Wisconsin Senate Democratic primary, released the first campaign ad targeting Republican incumbent Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI) over his support of overturning Roe v. Wade, which she filmed outside the Supreme Court. You can watch it here.
   
• The CIA has posted official instructions to help Russians who would like to secretly share information to its social media pages, encouraging the use of special internet browsers like Tor as well as VPNs to protect their safety. 
   
• In a podcast interview with the Delaware Valley Journal, Republican Gubernatorial frontrunner and state Senator Doug Mastriano had a complete on-air meltdown in response to a question about his involvement in an April QAnon allied rally. Nothing screams innocent like having a big temper tantrum at two local journalists who describe themselves as “center-right.”
   
• Clearly inspired by the latest SCOTUS fuckery, Gov. Greg Abbott (R-TX) casually floated the idea of challenging a 1982 Supreme Court decision requiring states to offer free public education to all children, hellbent on raising a state electorate just smart enough to re-elect Greg Abott.
   
• Women’s rights may be in the shitter, but hey! Ms. Pac Man was inducted into the World Video Game Hall of Fame, alongside Dance Dance Revolution, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and Sid Meier’s Civilization. Way to shatter the pixelated ceiling.

U.S. intelligence reports on the movements of Russian forces, shared with Ukrainian counterparts, have allowed Ukrainian forces to kill approximately a dozen Russian generals in the Ukraine war, according to an astonishing New York Times report. Intelligence sharing is just one facet of U.S. support for Ukraine, along with tens of billions of dollars in aid and heavy artillery. The Times cites senior American officials as well as Ukrainian officials as sources for this grim information. Let’s hope they know something we don’t know, like precisely why they’re confident this disclosure won’t make Putin freak out and start a little something that rhymes with Curled Store Tree. Good luck figuring that one out, codebreakers.

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Christian Smalls, President of the Amazon Labor Union, offered an inspiring retort to Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), who had just defended Amazon’s labor practices, in testimony before the Senate Budget Committee: “This is not a left or right thing. This is a working class thing.”

Telecommunications industry groups in California have withdrawn their bid to block the state’s net-neutrality law, which prevents internet providers from throttling internet access to websites and applications that don’t pay a premium to providers, helping secure a free and open internet for California residents.

Agronomist and climatologist Cynthia Rosenzweig won the World Food Prize for her innovative work modeling the impact of climate change on food production.

Karinne Jean-Pierre will be the first black woman and the first openly LGBTQ+ person to serve as White House Press Secretary. Exiting White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki (if you’re reading this Mr. Trump, the woman with the really beautiful red hair), announced the news Thursday on Twitter.