Personal poem

There is a cleft along my lip
Denoted by a colour shift.
The scar—skin, with more luminance,
Less saturation—is a strange

White vine strung taut on Cupid’s bow.
A TikTok girl with one as well
Who films makeup tutorials:
The clips show fans how they may hide

Their harelip from unwelcome gazes...
A team of doctors offers me
A more enduring form of blush:
May be it meant to draw their eyes,

My face is not a photograph:
I turn their darkroom offer down.

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Explanation

This poem is about my cleft lip and palate! I called it “Personal poem” because I almost never talk about my cleft, and I wanted to draw attention to the fact that I am drawing attention to myself. I am, for better or worse, reserved about myself in my writing. I have written about myself before, but seldom. Most of my poems come from me, but are abstracted from me. 

I also titled it “personal poem” after Frank O’Hara. When I was reading his eponymous poem, I found the title somewhat silly, since all of his poems are personal (many, anyways, with their strong “I” and descriptions of his own daily doings—his lunch breaks etc.).

All poems are a tension between the personal and the universal, failing to be exactly either. However, there is a difference between a poem that comes from the self and a poem that talks about the self. 

Clefts. There is a lot of shame associated with physical deformities like a cleft. Have you noticed that all movie villains have deformities? I just saw the new Batman, and Colin Farrell’s Penguin quite literally has a cleft lip. Outward imperfections represent inward corruption. See also Dr. No’s missing arm, Le Chiffre’s weeping eye, The Joker’s scars, etc.

I am, though almost 30, still quite shy and anxious about my lip. And the tooth that— there being no bone at the site of the cleft—is still missing. I am presently unable to afford the last orthodontic work that I would like to have done, which includes two implants where I am missing teeth. My face is scarred, and full of holes where other people have none. It has been this way since birth.

In my “Personal poem” I talk about a woman who has a cleft lip and who I have seen doing makeup tutorials in TikTok videos. I have a great deal of respect for what she does, actually. She is totally unafraid to show her face in these videos; she looks at the camera with complete pride in showing her face to the world. She has many followers, many videos. I hope she is as happy IRL as she is on camera. 

I compare her makeup work to the work of surgeons. I was once offered purely cosmetic surgery to hide—as makeup hides—my actual face. I say, “My face is not a photograph: / I turn their darkroom offer down.” That is, I do not let them edit my face, as one edits their photograph in Photoshop. I have accepted many surgeries, but no superfluous or cosmetic ones—despite my aforementioned self-loathing.

It was at the age of 13 that I turned down this offer of cosmetic surgery. I am proud of my younger self for having done so. Older now, and more vain, I’m not sure I would make the same decision.

Lesson

Acknowledge how hard it is for people with a facial difference. A lot of people are emotionally a lot worse off than I am as a direct result of their cleft. I am extremely lucky all things considered. The initial palate repair surgery that I received in Vancouver, BC, was of the best in the world and in all of human history. Nevertheless I have been deeply affected by my cleft lip and palate.

I literally cannot imagine what it is like for those who aren’t in a situation where the palate gets repaired during infancy.

Full repair can take many surgeries, but the initial surgery is especially critical. There is one amazing organization, Operation Smile, that works around the globe repairing clefts for children who do not have the financial support that I did. Follow the link, and consider donating.

Scansion

14 lines

Iambic tetrameter

More or less unrhymed