“Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who live by the sword will die by the sword.

— Matthew 26:52

Jesus: Those who live by the sword will die by the sword—unless you’re “a good guy with a sword,” in which case forget what I said.

Jesus: Those who live by the sword will die by the sword—unless you find yourself in a two-party political system and your side is conveniently supported by a billion-dollar sword lobby, in which case forget what I said.

Jesus: Those who live by the sword are 300% more likely to die by the sword, but the good news is that statistically, it’s more likely to be your own sword than someone else's. So that’s nice.

Jesus: Swords don’t kill people, people kill people. A sword is just a tool, like a rock or a car. That’s why I would never ever say something like, “Those who live by the sword die by the sword.” Fake news.

Jesus: If someone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. Just kidding! You don’t have to follow that one, or adopt an ethic of radical compassion and non-violence. I’m just playing around. Go ahead and attack him with your sword.

Jesus: We have a sin problem, not a sword problem. That’s why you should always allow sinners to own swords. It just makes sense.

Jesus: Those who live by the sword will die by the sword. But you might as well have a sword anyway, because if people can’t get swords, they’ll attack you with rocks. Have you ever seen a guy with a rock? Crazy right? That’s why swords should be as plentiful as rocks. Sure, the crazy rock guy will now have a sword. But that only goes to show why you need easy access to swords. It just makes sense.

Jesus: Those who live by video games will die by the sword. Which must mean that the rest of the world doesn’t play video games, because they’re not dying by the tens of thousands, the way you guys are. Huh. Weird. Definitely the video games, though.

Jesus: The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a sword is a good guy with a sword.

Disciples: [inaudible] 

Jesus: What was that? Why can’t that good guy be a police officer, rather than an over-the-hill white dude packing heat at a Chili's? I mean, it all depends on the world you want to live in, but between a well-trained and democratically-accountable police force and Dale, I’m going with Dale.

Jesus: Do not resist an evil person. If someone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Disciples: Wait, why are you winking like that?

Jesus: Like what? All I said was *wink* Blessed are the peacemakers *wink* Do good to those who hurt you *wink* Love your enemies *wink wink wink*

Disciples: …

Jesus: *wink wink wink*

Disciples: This country doesn’t need more sword control. This country needs Jesus!

Jesus: Right, okay. Listen up: those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.

Disciples: …

Disciples: Like we said, the last thing this country needs is more sword control…

Jesus: *Being betrayed and arrested*

Peter: *Pulls out sword*

Jesus: Put away your sword! For all those who live by the sword will die by the sword.

Peter: Hey now Jesus, this is not the time to debate sword control.

Other Disciples: Yeah, Jesus—we’re going through a real tragedy here. Let’s not make this political.

Jesus: Those who live by the sword will die by the sword—but don’t worry, frequently this works at a societal level. The death that results from your “sword rights” might not be your own. In fact, it’s likely to be a child or a person of color. They die at higher rates than everyone else. But hey, that’s not your problem, right?

Jesus: Let the little children come to me. But if, in your society, swords have become the leading cause of death for children and adolescents, feel free to just ignore that, or wonder if you will have to answer to Me about it later.

Jesus: The truth will set you free. Unless it’s related to sword control. Then you can ignore the truth, and tell each other that swords will set you free.

Jesus: Those who live by the sword will die by the sword. But don’t tell anyone I said that, or quote it back to the sword-enthusiasts. You don’t want to make them mad. Those people are nuts. Plus they have swords.

P.S.: In case all of this disgusts you as much as it does me, here’s what the real Jesus actually said.

Holy Wr*t! is a collection of satirical and thought-provoking short stories and parables, reimagining the world of the Bible. Email subscribers get every new story delivered for free each week(ish). If you haven’t already, please sign up now!