EXCLUSIVE: Jason Sudeikis and Olivia Wilde's former dog walker shares the inside scoop on Gordon

By Anonymous

The famous couple’s former dog’s former dog walker breaks her silence.

In the fall of 2020, I showed up at 8 a.m. to an unassuming Silver Lake home to meet Gordon. I was informed by the dog-walking company I worked for that he would be brought out to me by some kind of nanny. I knocked, waited, and knocked some more.

Texting with my boss, I learned there was some confusing back-and-forth with the client causing the delay…standard dog drama. Waiting, I paced around in my decaying Ross Dress For Less athleisure, weathered around the crotch to Megan’s Law levels over the course of my yearlong dog-walking career.

Suddenly, Jason Sudeikis bounded out the door. Gordon was not just any Gordon — he was Gordon Sudeikis-Wilde.

I’ve encountered men like Jason Sudeikis many times. I like to call them “Nice Guy Tie Dye” guys. He’s in tie-dye, but he’s no hippie. The style’s counterculture origins have long faded, and now announce the arrival of a man who may have never even seen the business end of a gravity bong. Maybe he took to the bongos at a college party after two Mikes Hards once… and yeah, that was badass. But then he threw up. The tie-dye hasn’t been earned.

I’d never heard Jason Sudeikis speak, but the thrill of celebrity possessed me immediately. The potential for sudden validation, the ache to be remembered, liked, seen positively through the eyes of a vaguely beloved male — overpowered me. I was suddenly willing to kill for him.

“Thanks so much!” I heard my voice shoot up octaves, desperate to bond with him.

But I didn’t bond with Jason Sudeikis. I bonded with Gordon.

Gordon was a silly, stupid golden retriever. He was the kind of ageless dog who could have been six or 60. He wore a harness that barely contained his hefty, bumbling form. He’d started fights with other dogs so I braced for the worst. I had walked dogs who bullied me, threatened me, slandered me. But Gordon wasn’t like that. Continue reading

By Claire Carusillo

Countess Luann's marriage to Tom D'Agostino, for one

British Prime Minister Liz Truss resigned this morning amid budget freak-outs and a plunging pound after 44 days in office, making her the briefest serving PM in British history. According to the BBC, the second shortest serving PM George Canning, who served for 119 days before dying in 1827, didn’t even come close to that record. That’s honestly impressive to me: Truss cracked that glass ceiling wide open with a flogger.

44 days really is a shockingly brief amount of time, much shorter than so many other astoundingly clipped ventures. Let’s look into which other notorious periods of time outlasted her reign. (Some of these are estimates.)

Things That Lasted Longer Than Liz Truss’s Time as Prime Minister

— The Daily Star’s head of lettuce (44.2 days)

— Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte season (68 days)

— Queen Elizabeth’s final vacation in Balmoral, where she rode out her last days (49 days)

Continue reading

By Kelly Conaboy

Tick tock ...

Following the recent death of a 96-year-old royal, certain members of the Gawker staff became fixated on the topic of burial clothing. Bras, in particular. We wondered, was the Queen buried in a bra?

She almost certainly was, and likely a more intense style of bra than any non-royal could imagine, with 24-karat gold pad inserts and jewel-encrusted clasps. It’s very dignified, of course, that the Queen’s earthly breasts will be held aloft into the afterlife, but who, if not her, deserves the freedom of being buried without such restriction? After a lifetime of hosiery and stiff skirt suits and brooches, maybe she would have liked a more relaxed ensemble. A tracksuit, perhaps, with no undergarments at all. Queenie, you’re free.

Personally, I’d rather die than be buried in a bra. Really, I’d like to be cremated, because I’m terrified of being buried alive, but I think an ideal burial outfit is still something “fun” to think about, as a prompt both for small talk and somber reflections on one’s time on earth. Part of me wants to buy a big, poofy Molly Goddard tutu dress now and justify the expense by saying it will also be my burial outfit, making the cost per wear effectively $0. But I think I’d most like to be buried in my black Entireworld sweatpants, my black Entireworld underwear, my white RE/DONE tank top, and the XL “NEW YORK” sweatshirt I bought at the airport once when I was cold. It’s my most comfortable outfit, and I’d like my corpse to exist in coziness while I’m having tea with Kurt Cobain in heaven.

But maybe that’s not your style. To help you think about your ideal burial outfit, here are some other ideas from a few members of the Gawker staff. Continue reading

By Adam Nayman

The Japanese thriller, recently added to Criterion, stands alone as one of the most unnerving features of its era

EXTERIOR: a beach at midday, the surf shaded by passing clouds; the water reflects the sky so precisely that the shoreline could just as easily be the horizon. The shot, which holds for several beats, is empty of human forms, which is why it’s so unnerving when — after revealing we’re observing the location from the point of view of a young man seated in the sand — the camera suddenly cuts back to observe a trenchcoated figure standing dead center of the frame. How did he get there? The stranger looks upwards as if in a daze — maybe towards the spaceship that deposited him on the ground — before turning and walking slowly in our direction. Gradually, he gets close enough that we can register the expression on his face. It’s empty, unreadable. He keeps coming.

The moment is too placid and enigmatic to qualify as a jump-scare, but it’s nevertheless the perfect overture for a horror movie in which the mind’s eye plays tricks and sinister impulses manifest seemingly out thin air. Cure’s logic is embodied by the wandering, insinuating cipher called Mamiya (Masato Hagiwara), whose conversational method is to ask more questions than he answers. “Where is this?” he queries absent-mindedly, over and over. The other man’s answer — Shirasto Beach, outside Tokyo — doesn’t satisfy him, but as Mamiya repeats the words, they begin to take on a mesmerizing, existential quality. Where are we? The question doubles back on us in the audience. What kind of movie is this? And what does this man in the long coat — who claims that he’s going “nowhere” — want from his new friend (or from us) anyway?

When it was released in 1997, Cure was typically lumped in with the contemporary cycle of Japanese thrillers known as J-horror (Ringu came out shortly thereafter), but 25 years later, it stands alone as one of the most unnerving features of its era, and maybe of all time. Where the bulk of J-Horror films deal in supernatural storylines, Cure, directed by Kiyoshi Kurosawa from his own original screenplay,is perched like a bird of prey at the intersection of psychology and sociology. Continue reading

By Kelly Conaboy

She's always thinking products

It’s officially “spooky season,” and as such I have an important update regarding what is to be done with the corpses of at least two Kardashians. Please settle in, and try to commit these instructions to memory; I’m not sure which one of us will be around when the appropriate measures need to be taken.

On this week’s episode of The Kardashians, Kris Jenner underwent hip replacement surgery. Don’t worry (darling), she’s doing fine, and her broken old lady bones are safe with Kim Kardashian, who wants to make them into a necklace.

“Kim asked the doctor to save her my bones so she could make jewelry out of it,” Kris said during the episode while speaking to daughter Kylie Jenner on the phone. Yes — right. Although we are nodding our heads in complete understanding of the idea that Kim Kardashian asked the doctors to save her mother’s bones in order to make jewelry out of them, Kylie thought this was “weird” and “creepy.”

Khloé was with her mother at the time and asked, “Remember when you wanted your ashes … you wanted to be cremated and made into necklaces for us?” Uh-huh. Yes. While Kris confirmed that she thinks this is a “great idea” as well as her final wish, Khloé said she thought it, too, was “weird.” But her hesitation to wear her mother’s corpse as a necklace could just be due to her faith. Continue reading