The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a “Classifieds” section..

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LIGHT SWITCHER NEEDED: 7,000 automatic lights illuminating a Massachusetts high school haven’t been turned off since August 2021 because of a system malfunction. (The repair company in charge of turning them off said they will be fixed in February.)

SEEKING GRIFTER GUESTS: Infamous scammer Anna “Delvey” Sorokin is getting her own reality show, in which she’ll host dinner parties for celebs and journalists. The show will be filmed in her New York apartment, where she is currently under house arrest.

Personal

ISO REAL ANSWERS: A young Rhode Islander asked the state’s Dept. of Health to DNA-test a cookie she left out for Santa for proof that the Christmas king actually exists. The agency gave a wishy-washy response: “We all agree that something magical may be at play.” We’re sending beard samples next time.

DADS UNITED: California Democratic Rep. Jimmy Gomez and other lawmakers formed the first official caucus of fathers on Capitol Hill. The group will help push policies like paid family leave and keeping the door closed when the AC is running.

GERIATRIC CHIHUAHUA W/ GRIT: A 23-year-old Ohio good boy named Spike won the title of world’s oldest living dog. His owners found him in a grocery store parking lot 13 years ago. Old Yeller could never.

For sale

UNFILTERED SPLASH MOUNTAIN WATER: You gotta love capitalism—sellers on eBay are hawking “genuine” water from Splash Mountain, the classic Walt Disney World ride that closed last week. One 6-ounce sample (circa 2021) has a starting bid of $1,000.

FIREBALL NIPS: No longer wanted after learning they don’t contain actual whisky. A class action lawsuit was filed against the maker of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky for being misleading about the product, which is really a malt beverage with “natural whisky & other flavors.”

If the moon is made of cheese, is Mars made of…honey?

A photo captured by the HiRISE camera shows that a bear has emerged on the surface of Mars. Or, more likely: Two craters, a partially collapsed hill, and a fracture pattern converged to eerily resemble a bear.

Here are some illuminating scientific discoveries from the week to help you live better and maybe even make peace with the insect world.

They’re making robots that can escape from prison now. A team of engineers created miniature robots that can shift between rigid-solid and flexible liquid states, allowing the bots to escape from a tiny jail cell. And while watching a shape-shifting bot reenact The Shawshank Redemption is impressive (seriously, check out the video), the Dr. Frankensteins behind these monsters envision less nefarious applications for their creation. They put the bot to the test removing a foreign object from and delivering drugs to a model stomach, and they also foresee industrial applications for soldering and repairing hard-to-reach mechanical parts.

Small picnic pests have big potential. ChatGPT is the nonhuman making headlines for passing medical licensing exams, but it’s ants that might someday be up for jobs at your hospital. The insects have such an acute sense of smell that scientists are now trying to train them to sniff out cancer—and a study published this week shows ants can be trained relatively quickly to do just that (though they’ve only scented human cancer cells grafted to mice so far). Ant diagnosticians would be cheaper and quicker than current diagnostic tools, like blood tests and biopsies, and the researcher leading the study insists that the critters would never need to crawl directly on you to help doctors determine your health status.

Earth’s core plays the “Reverse” card. The solid iron core at the center of the Earth has stopped spinning and is reversing the direction in which it rotates, a new study analyzing seismic waves from earthquakes claims. While that sounds like...seismic news, scientists believe it’s happened before, and the only impact we surface dwellers are likely to notice (or not) is that it could shorten the day by less than one millisecond over time. It’s also worth noting that there’s no scientific consensus on what exactly is going on, since we lack direct access to what’s happening deep inside our planet.—AR

What does fake meat have in common with pet rocks and the metaverse? Everything, according to skeptics—like the author of a recent Bloomberg article, who argues the plant-based stuff that looks, tastes, and even bleeds like meat is just a fad.

A few years ago, startups like Beyond Meat and Impossible Foods made venture capitalists’ mouths water. They promised to take on Big Ag by satiating omnivores’ appetites with a healthier, more environmentally friendly alternative to meat that doesn’t involve animal slaughter.

But a recent decline in sales and a shift away from meat-posing products in consumer preferences call that proposition into question. Meanwhile, some industry watchers (and at least one major player) beg to differ: They say that the meatless meat dream isn’t dead and claim that faux flesh is no more a fad than computers were in the 1950s.

Why meatless BBQs could go the way of Zoom happy hours

The hype around fake meat has been losing momentum over the past year, illustrating that long-term eating habits can be as sticky as that wax paper between burger patties.

One of the biggest industry names and the star of a blockbuster IPO in 2019, Beyond Meat, has been struggling. A drop-off in sales and lackluster results from a McDonald’s test run of its McPlant burger have sent Beyond’s stock tumbling more than 70% in the past year.

The industry’s challenges extend beyond Beyond, as overall refrigerated plant-based meat sales declined last year. Consumers increasingly perceive meatless patties and sausages, which tend to be highly processed and high in sodium, as unhealthy.

They’re also more expensive than the real deal—and, in times of historic inflation, that’s been a dealbreaker for many casual ersatz-meat eaters.

But it may be too early to give up on fake meat

The most valuable company in the space, Impossible Foods, accuses fake meat detractors of big-picture myopia. Impossible points to sustained, year over year sales growth ever since it debuted its offering, including in 2022.

Some industry observers note that the sector is still young.

• Plant-based meat companies came on the scene during the Obama presidency, while some Big Ag names have been around since before the Civil War.
• Though fake meat’s $7 billion in annual sales (according to Impossible) represent just a thin deli slice of the $296 billion US meat industry, this could change in the long run.

And not all investors are running scared: Bill Gates, who’s backed several fake meat ventures, still has an appetite for the stuff. He recently affirmed his belief that consumers will be more willing to go for a plant-based burger once the taste gap between fake and real meat narrows.

Looking ahead…as the food fight rages, lab-grown meat is springing onto the scene, threatening to supplant both your typical juicy steak and its plant-based alternative. Upside Foods recently became the first company to get a safe-to-eat nod from the FDA for meat cultivated from animal cells (but it still needs the USDA’s stamp of approval). The company hopes its “no kill” chicken breast will hit US restaurants by the end of the year as it competes with many startups in the space.—SK

The Brew’s resident tastemaker, Jamie, compiles her favorite recs to help you live your best life.

Meal prep: 55 quick work lunch ideas.

Workout: Three viral TikTok workouts, reviewed.

Book club: It’s not new, but The Huntress by Kate Quinn is the talk of the group chat.

Smart purchase: Keyboard gel is cheap, disgusting, and awesome.

Streaming binge: Go with Drink Masters if you’re curious about mixology, or Snack vs. Chef if you’re into pickle chips. Both are on Netflix.

Playlist: Cercle’s YouTube channel is full of long DJ sets in beautiful places that are perfect for your second screen.

Tech tip: We’re convinced that iPhone widgets are the coolest and least-used feature, especially if you have a lot of smart home apps.

Money in the bank: If things like budget analysis and accounting standards get you excited, head over to CFO Brew, our newsletter all about corporate finance that helps pros stay on top of an ever-changing industry.

It’s a big world out there. In this section, we’ll teleport you to an interesting location—and hopefully give you travel ideas in the process.

Next time you’re in Athens, Greece, you gotta visit Chapel & Catacombs.

No, it’s not an ancient ruin: It’s the world’s best escape room, according to new rankings published by the Top Escape Rooms Project.

If you haven’t heard of escape rooms (or need a refresher), they’re location-based games that challenge your group to solve a series of puzzles in order to leave the room.

But Chapel & Catacombs takes that basic premise and jacks it up to 11. Set in the fictional village of Lockhill, the experience combines elements of haunted houses, immersive theater, and puzzles into a game that will leave you with goosebumps, according to one “speechless” reviewer.

Even if a trip to Athens isn’t in your future, we’re hoping the epicness of Chapel & Catacombs might inspire you to seek out an elite escape room closer to you. But be warned, American readers: Many of the highest-ranked escape rooms are located in continental Europe. The US doesn’t enter the rankings until No. 14, with Strange Bird Immersive’s The Man From Beyond in Houston.—NF

Last Sunday we asked: What’s your winning entrance gimmick to make it past the first rose ceremony on The Bachelor?

Our favorite responses:

• “I’m typically not a backseat driver. But when I saw you I told him to stop immediately.”—Josh from Fargo, ND
• “I’d come out of the limo belting out ‘Careless Whisper’ on my sax.”—Jen from MA
• “I would show up in a clown car with a massive flower on my clothing. The bachelor would press the flower and nothing would happen. We would just awkwardly stand there. Humbling. Standout. No pizzazz.”—Jake from Minneapolis, MN
• “Arrive in a caravan of covered wagons—a bloodstained dress from the 1800s graces your figure. Announce that you have survived dysentery and river crossings during your travel to the contest. Present rabbit pelts and various trail survival supplies. Receive rose.”—Josh from Pittsburgh, PA

This week’s question

As tax season kicks off, the IRS is facing a severe staffing shortage, and 60% of its current employees intend to retire in the next six years. How should the IRS recruit new talent?

Here’s Matty’s response to get the juices flowing: Every new employee gets a free pass to audit their high school bully every year.

Share your idea here.

🪫 Today’s professionals are all too familiar with burnout. Deepen your own understanding and explore ways to overcome it with HR Brew.

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