Crooked Media - What A Day: Humble Bragg

Oops! Democrats did it again (sided with Republicans on a bad vote out of fear).
 

• The Senate voted Wednesday to block changes to the Washington, DC, criminal code that the DC City Council voted into law earlier this year. This marks the first time in more than 30 years that Congress voted to approve a measure reversing the city’s governing decisions. The shockingly-bipartisan vote was a huge blow to the District’s autonomy and seems to have only emboldened the majority of DC residents who support statehood. (And emboldened Republicans to keep using “fucking with DC” as a wedge issue.)
   

• Senators representing DC’s two closest neighbors, Maryland and Virginia, were split, with Sens. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) and Ben Cardin (D-MD) siding with the District, and Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA) and Tim Kaine (D-VA) siding with Republicans. But unfortunately, that’s not all. Some 33 Democrats sided with the GOP, including Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. Not exactly sure why, but we expected more from you, Chuck! 
   

• The reformed criminal code, which passed last year, rocketed to national prominence and interference from the White House thanks in part to an increase in carjackings and gun violence in the nation’s capital. However, some of the loudest Republicans agitating to block the bill, like House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, have more violence in their own districts than Washington does, as Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD) pointed out on the House floor recently. Bakersfield, CA, which McCarthy represents, was recently listed as one of the top 10 deadliest cities in America and the nation’s carjacking capital—so we suspect GOP concern about DC crime may not be entirely on the level!

Ughhhhhh!!!!
 

• The Home Rule Act of 1973 gave DC some control over its local affairs, but Congress retains the veto authority over the district’s laws in certain circumstances. This most recent issue has only underscored the need for statehood, because citizens who live in the nation’s capital should not have fewer rights and less representation than any other Americans. It’s also important to reiterate that the crime bill was not particularly ideological. It was crafted as a series of technocratic fixes to streamline criminal justice in the district. It would have increased sentences for many violent crimes, and was meant to correct some of the more egregious sentencing equivalencies in the city’s old criminal code, under which wrongful possession of pepper spray carries the same maximum penalty (!) as wrongful possession of a fully automatic weapon. 
   

• Sen. Bill Hagerty (R-TN) called the congressional intervention “a referendum: on violent crime in America, while Senate Minority Whip John Thune said, “The Dems, ideologically, got locked into a position and realized as a political matter they couldn’t sustain it.” These are the kind of maddening lies that plague the political discourse on crime. When Thune implies that Democrats backed themselves into a corner, he’s trying to invoke activist ideas like “Defund the Police,” which has not actually resulted in any police departments being defunded. Basically every Democratic-controlled major city has a police budget that is higher now than it was before 2020. 

As on so many issues, Democrats have bowed to Republicans on crime for decades and let them frame the debate over it—by not pushing back on their falsehoods or the needless cruelty of their policy ideas. And to no avail! Whether Democrats voted for DC autonomy or not, Republicans would still accuse them of being “soft on crime.” But now Republicans can add “Even President Biden opposed this bill!!” to their attacks on the Democrats’ best representatives.

History of the World Part II- the hysterical 4-part sequel to Mel Brooks' 1981 film is now streaming only on Hulu. 
 

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out Jon Lovett’s conversation with Ike Barinholtz and other stars of the limited series and listen to them rant about the hottest, most timely headlines of 50 to 2000 years ago. 
 

Click here to listen to Jon Lovett, Ike Barinholtz and other members of the History of the World Part II cast talk about The Making of History: History in the Making.

Florida, Florida, Florida. In the past few years, the Sunshine State has become a laboratory for far-right laws, most of which seek to exert more control over Florida’s women and children. The hope of Florida remaining a purple state has slipped through our fingers, not necessarily because there are more Republicans than Democrats there, but because the state, like so many others, has been gerrymandered to hell. Along with its now-infamous “Don’t Say Gay” law, the state also imposed a 15-week abortion ban after the fall of Roe, with no exceptions for rape and incest. A new bill making its way through the legislature seeks to tighten that restriction to six weeks, when most people wouldn’t even know that they are pregnant. Florida’s transgender minors are now prohibited under law from receiving gender-affirming care. The list goes on. Faced with this new slate of restrictive laws that span nearly every stage of parenting—from reproductive health care to book bans in elementary schools to what legal adults can learn in college—many Florida families are rightly considering whether this is the time to stay and fight, or move if they have the resources to do so. But many of the families forced to stay are already part of marginalized communities, and don’t have the resources they need to fight. Would be cool if we had some strong federal policy that could fight for them!!

The Manhattan district attorney’s office has offered disgraced former president Donald Trump a chance to testify before the grand jury investigating his hush money payment to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, which almost always indicates that an indictment is around the corner!!

Disgraced former president Trump’s legal advisor during his attempted coup has been censured by a Colorado judge who oversees lawyer-discipline cases. As part of the agreement, Ellis admits that multiple statements she made in 2020 about the “stolen election” were “misrepresentations” aka patent fucking lies. 

Both the FBI and the U.S. Capitol Police have launched investigations after a major data breach of DC-area health records affected hundreds of members of Congress and their staffs this week. 

Former Goldman Sachs banker Roger Ng was hit with a 10-year prison sentence today after he was convicted of a multibillion-dollar international corruption scheme. You’re telling me a Goldman Sachs banker did something unconscionably unethical??? More seriously: You’re telling me a Goldman Sachs banker got held accountable for something???

Russia launched a huge missile strike across Ukraine in the early hours of Thursday morning, killing at least six Ukrainian civilians and causing widespread power outages in Kyiv. 

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after falling at a DC hotel and is currently being hospitalized “for a few days of observation and treatment.” 

Lt. Gov. of Tennessee Randy McNally (R-TN), 79, has been popping the hell off in the Instagram comments of a 20-year-old gay man’s nude thirst traps with gems like, “Finn, you can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine,” followed by heart and fire emojis. In the past year, Republican officials in Tennessee have passed more anti-LGBT legislation than any other state. 🚨🚨🚨

In a new book, Disgraced former president Trump plans to reveal 150 private letters sent to him from celebrities and public figures. The book will be titled, hilariously, Letters to Trump and seems to be both a retrospective on the days of yore, when famous people wrote letters to one another, and also a bizarre reminiscence of bygone days when decent people used to sort of like him. The book includes letters from presidents, celebrities, members of various royal families, and business leaders, all which he saved over four decades in a box probably labeled “Love letters 2 me.” The retail price of the book? $99. Yes, ninety-nine American Dollars! For this terrible little book! Anyhow, let’s hope one or more of the senders sues him for copyright infringement.

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The Michigan House of Representatives approved legislation to repeal the state’s anti-union “right to work” law. 

President Biden is proposing a series of new tax increases for the wealthy and corporations including closing loopholes for “passthrough businesses” that allow the wealthy to hide their money from the IRS and a minimum 25 percent minimum tax on the richest 0.01 percent of Americans.