Dear subscribers,

Today, I want to share a guide on how to be a great listener.

I’ve been a terrible listener for most of my life. Instead of listening, I would often think of my response, interrupt the speaker, or tune out entirely.

I’ve since learned that:

Poor listening skills can really hurt relationships at home and at work.

After all, we’re drawn to people who show genuine interest in our lives instead of those who prefer to talk about themselves all the time. Here are 5 steps that I’ve found helpful to follow to become a better listener:

1. Get in the right mindset

2. Listen to understand, not to respond

3. Mirror what you just heard

4. Label emotions

5. Follow up

1. Get in the right mindset

You cannot listen well if you’re not in the right mindset:

1. Be genuinely curious. Start with a beginner’s mind, quiet your ego, and be genuinely curious about the speaker’s perspective.

2. Put away distractions. It’s all too common to “listen” while also scrolling through your phone. Instead, make eye contact and give your full attention to the speaker.

3. Detach from emotions. You won’t be able to listen if you feel negative emotions like fear and anger.

Of course, the above is easier said then done. I’ve found the following tactics useful to get into the right mindset:

1. Practice detachment: When you feel the urge to respond, learn to take a deep breath and pause instead.

2. Change your environment. Try changing your environment (e.g., “want to take a walk outside?”) to improve your mood.

3. Delay the conversation. If you’re just too exhausted or pre-occupied to listen, let the other party know and suggest another time.

2. Listen to understand, not to respond

Active listening is “active” because it takes real work. Focus your attention on not just the speaker’s words but also their emotions and body language.

Apply the 7-38-55 rule from psychologist Albert Mehrabian:

1. 7% words. What are they saying?

2. 38% tone. What’s their tone and volume?

3. 55% body language. What are their facial expressions and gestures?

If you the speaker’s words, tone, and body language feel inconsistent, use step 3 to uncover their real thoughts.

3. Mirror what you just heard

Mirroring simply means repeating what you just heard.

It’s a powerful tool that might feel strange initially, but is proven by multiple studies to work. You can mirror in two ways:

1. Repeat the last few words. Repeat the last few words from the speaker and then pause to see if they have anything to add.

2. Confirm what you just heard. Say “I think you said…” and recap what you heard. Try to get a positive confirmation (e.g., “Is that correct?).

Mirroring works because it makes the speaker feel heard and keeps the conversation focused. Here’s a great video on mirroring from Chris Voss, an ex-FBI hostage negotiator.

4. Label emotions

Labeling means acknowledging the speaker’s feelings to build empathy.

To label, use phrases like:

1. It sounds like…

2. It seems like…

3. I think you’re feeling…

Labeling a negative emotion disarms it (e.g., "It sounds like you're frustrated with...") and labeling a positive emotion reinforces it (e.g., "It seems like you really care about...").

If the other person has a lot of grievances about you, you can take labeling to the next level by doing an accusation audit. Simply say the other person’s main issues out loud in a genuine way. The other person might even come to your defense if you seem too hard on yourself.

5. Follow up

Following up after a conversation is just as critical as making someone feel heard during it. To follow up:

1. Share brief notes afterwards. Just a few bullets in an email will do.

2. Take action based on what was discussed. Nothing makes someone lose trust in you more than failing to meet a commitment.

3. Mention specifics in your next meeting. Use your notes and say something like “Remember the last time that we talked about X?”

Most people don’t follow up so doing the above goes a long way.

To recap, here’s how you can become a great listener:

1. Get in the right mindset

2. Listen to understand, not to respond

3. Mirror what you just heard

4. Label emotions

5. Follow up

If you want more tips, I recommend you check out two books that inspired this post:

1. Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

2. The Great CEO Within by Matt Mochary

I also invite you to share your own experiences and challenges in the comments below.

Here’s to all of us becoming as patient as AI when it comes to listening :)

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