No time to watch Apple’s promo vid for Apple Vision Pro? I got you covered. Here’s what you need to know:

1) Apparently the future will be filled with super hot biracial people in gorgeous Airbnb-ish spaces and our only way of dealing with it will be to don huge goggles that block them out so we can be “more connected.”

2) I know, you think this thing will just be used for p0rn and games. Wrong! It will also be helpful for legless hotties in custom made fits…

3) There’s something called passthrough: “You can see them and they can see you.” Don’t you feel seen?

Also: You will never have to take your friend’s basic sushi bullsh*t again. Don’t even come at me with your California Roll order, Karen. 🍣

4) It costs $3500. Seems pricey, but think about all the people you’ll impress when you wear ‘em out in public (while someone is most definitely stealing all your other stuff).

5) Apple Vision Pro: Perfect solution for seeing the kids after your iDivorce!

Btw, it all feels like everything intriguing about Zuckerberg’s Metaverse except it doesn’t scream, “I’m a massive loser.” Guess that’s a testament to smart design and charging for something as a biz model instead of just tryna auction off people’s secrets to Colgate.

Also, it’s strange how little we discuss the impact AI/VR will have on p0rn. If you think there’s a sex recession now… 😰

6) Dunno about you, but nothing makes me feel more calm than having a bunch of objects flying at me while I meditate! *deep breath*

Speaking of meditation, if you’re in NYC on Friday night (June 9), come check out my show at Gaia NoMaya (an amazing space in Brooklyn):

🍄🌿🤫🧘🏾‍♂️😹 Misguided Meditation with Matt Ruby: A Psychedelic Comedy Happening – Rubesletter discount code: tunein

A COMEDY SHOW FEAT. LIVE VISUALS AND AN AMBIENT SOUNDSCAPE…The show is about psychedelics, death, therapy, meditation, and way more. Along the way, Matt details his own rocky road to wellness, discusses the thorniness of the mindful life, and pokes fun at woo woo wackos.

7) Finally, the internet will feel addictive!

Goodbye, “headphone culture.” Hello, “goggle culture.”

Where we slowly receded into our cocoons…The Vision Pro will do the same for video content and make us much less social, no matter what Apple’s demos try to project.

The better tech gets, the more it feels like it's being developed for people who are shut-ins, handicapped, or some other kinda disabled. Good for them! But if you're in control of your body and where it can go, please remember you can also put down the phone/take off the goggles, go offline, and interact with ACTUAL reality.

We keep pretending we have silo’d problems: Sex recession. Masculinity crisis. Loneliness epidemic. Mental health crisis. C’mon, there's a simple solution to all those things? Stop staring at screens.

I feel like a broken record: Go somewhere, do something, make eye contact, have a conversation…

And while I’m on one, the hilarious thing about all these "smartphones are hurting the kids" pieces is how we keep pretending they're only harmful to children while us adults are doing fine with 'em. Yeah, sure, riiiiiiiiiight.

8 ) "Hey babe, let's just chill and listen to our fave musical genre: mellow electronic hip-hop."

9) Apple Vision Pro looks nice but I'm still holding out for this...

10) Hey, if all this means we don’t have to talk about AI or ChatGPT for a minute, I AM HERE FOR IT.

Quickies

🎯 Mail is just garbage that gets delivered to you.

🎯 Weed sports bars probably coming soon. Gonna be interesting vibe. No one cheers. They just nod in approval. “Cool, man. Touchdown. Alright.”

🎯 “We’re the free speech platform!”
-Place where no one wants to advertise

🎯 We've had so much fear inflation that no one has any idea what to be scared of anymore. So we wind up scared of everything.

🎯 You know these AI image generators were made by a bunch of dudes 'cuz they're always like "here's this person if they were in Dune and had big b👀bs." If ladies made it, the images would just look exactly like the person but with subtle Botox.

🎯 Succession is about how siblings can carve you up like no one else. My sis' fave catchphrase when we were growing up: "Matthew, mature!" Said it at least once a week and got huge laughs from the parents each time. It was like her "'What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

🎯 To the algorithm, rage and delight are equally successful results. The more we become slaves to it, the more love and hate will blur into the one thing the algorithm does care about: Engagement. Did it make us pay attention? Then there will be more of it.

🎯 NEED THIS PLAYLIST: “Emotional season finale montage for prestige TV drama.” (Will be 50% Massive Attack tracks.)

🎯 Aioli is just mayo trying to hide its white privilege.

🎯 X marks the spot? Should be a G. Way easier to explain why men are unable to find it that way. "Did you find the buried treasure?" Men: "Nope, went searching for the g-spot but I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist."

🎯 Be careful. The algorithm turns artists into hacks. Which reveals the worst thing about being a hack: It works.

Comedy

If you want me to perform for 60ish people, in the back of a restaurant in a room that calls itself a comedy club, for an audience that doesn't really know who I am, and there's one group in front that's celebrating a birthday or retirement party so they're bizarrely drunk considering it's only 8pm, and you've got some local comedians who aren't very good who open up and say filthy stuff that creates trust issues in the room before I hit the stage, and need me to dig out of that hole, while internally questioning a lot of my life choices, until I manage to get most of the crowd onboard, even the one guy with the beard wearing a baseball cap who kept his arms folded throughout the set, and then have me stand outside the showroom afterwards, shake hands, and awkwardly avoid eye contact with attendees – unless they wanna buy some merch, offer me a joint, or tell me about a "joke" which is actually just a racist statement – until the room totally empties and the producer tells me how the show is usually packed, but tonight is a big game for the [insert local sports team], or the Galactic Citrus Festival is happening in the next town over, or The Garlic Clowns are playing downstairs and people love that band so that's why things were slow, I just want you to know: I AM AVAILABLE, EXTREMELY EXPERIENCED AT HANDLING THIS DYNAMIC, AND BAD AT NEGOTIATING. Contact: mattruby@hey.com

😈 I post clips of my standup at Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube.

😈 Virginia is for lovers...of Matt Ruby's comedy! I’m headlining 6/23 in Manasas (tickets) and 6/24 in Lorton (tickets).

😈 Read my other newsletter “Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian.”

😈 Listen to my podcast! Deep dives on tech/culture/comedy and more: Kind of a lot with Matt Ruby.

Thanks for being part of this meshugas. ✌️

-Matt