Crooked Media - What A Day: Saved by the Belarus

Over the weekend we witnessed one of the most hopeful stories since Russia invaded Ukraine. The leader of Russia's Wagner mercenary group, Yevgeny Prigozhin, turned his troops on Putin who—seemingly backed down? It takes a while to get to the truth of anything out of Russia but we are learning more.

• One of the biggest outstanding questions is what was the actual point of the attempted coup. One report says the plan was to capture Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu and top army general Valery Gerasimov when they traveled to a region near the Ukraine border. Russian intelligence reportedly learned of the plot two days early, forcing Prigozhin to pivot, and instead send his troops toward Moscow. The U.S. says former top Russian commander in Ukraine, Gen.Sergei Surovikin, knew about and may have aided in the Wagner revolt. They believe there’s no way Prigozhin would have launched his campaign if he didn’t think he had support from at least some top officials. 
   
• Belarusian President and Putin’s Even Worse Half Viktor Lukashenko is the hero of the story. Not our hero, but theirs. He convinced Putin not to kill Prigozhin even though it seems he desperately wanted to. Lukashenko, who talks with Putin like a gossiping teenager, told media afterward that he urged Putin to make peace with Prigozhin. Putin said, “'Listen, Sasha, it's useless. He doesn't even pick up the phone, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone." Poor guy. Lukashenko has also reportedly offered the Wagner troops an abandoned military base to set up operations.
   
• And while the narrative was that the revolt was quelled before blood was shed, that’s not true, either. During their 400-mile march toward Moscow, the Wagner fighters shot down six Russian aircraft: five helicopters and an Ilyushin Il-22M Coot aerial command post and radio-relay plane. Thirteen crew members died. And the claim that the falling out was sparked by Russian troops attacking and killing 30 Wagner troops might not be the whole story. The rift might have been over a declaration by the Russian Ministry of Defense that it would employ Wagner’s contractors directly. This would have cut Prigozhin out of the war profits.

Ok, so we’ve found a few needles of truth in the Russian misinformation haystack, but the future of the war is still unclear. The losers are plentiful but is anyone better positioned to win following the mutiny-that-wasn't?

• The company line in Russia seems to be “What Mutiny?” State TV has dubbed it “ordinary internal turbulence” with one talking head claiming that actions like this have “happened hundreds of times.” The simple fact is that Putin’s circle is staying close, with no one defecting or offering praise to Prigozhin. That fact leads us to believe that while Prigozhin has been issued a reprieve, Russian kill squads are likely attempting to gain access to his underwear as we speak. And the Wagner fighters have been offered the choice to join the Russian army, go to Belarus, go home, or simply leave the country. 
   
• While the mutiny might not be good for Russia, it sure as shit helps Belarus, with a new, battle-experienced army in its borders. “It’s the most trained unit in the army,” according to Lukashenko. Maybe he wants to keep them? The confusion is clearly good for Ukraine as Wagner’s greatly reduced size presents less of a threat. And The Tom Cruise of Ukraine, President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, might just be able to help with that. Addressing Parliament on Tuesday, Zelensky pushed to legalize something his country needs now more than ever—weed.

On the most recent episode of Work Appropriate, host Anne Helen Petersen is joined by Alisa Chang, one of the hosts of NPR's All Things Considered. Together, they delve into Alisa' story of being a successful lawyer into her early 30s but realizing she was totally miserable. The two answered listener submitted questions about escaping a post-college career without direction, explaining career pivots in job interviews, monetizing hobbies, and the essence of a career itself.

The news cycle is hot on the Florida grand jury and the Bedminster, NJ, tapes, but the Washington, DC, grand jury looking into Donald Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election is also full steam ahead. While the Florida investigation is focused on the classified files he stole and hid in his office, his bathroom, his other office, his bedroom, his hands, and some that were spilling out of his pant legs as he walked away, DC is still trying to pin the insurrection on him. Of course, this stage of the investigation is not dropping any actual quotes from the many players it’s interviewing, but the revolving door of high-profile witnesses is telling. On Monday, a handful of Secret Service members reportedly testified. Again, we don’t know the specifics of their input but Secret Service members are not known for talking. 

On Wednesday we found out they interviewed the former God of New York City, Rudy Giuliani, last week. A spokesman said that the interview was conducted in a "professional manner,” which is something you have to say when you're talking about Giuliani. One of the questions prosecutors had for him concerned "a plan to create fake slates of pro-Trump electors in key swing states that were actually won by Mr. Biden." Georgia's Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger was interviewed on Wednesday about his infamous and “perfect” phone call with Trump, where Trump urged him to find the votes he needed to win the state. We also know that they’ve been interviewing many of the so-called “fake-electors” who conspired to defraud the United States. No charges have been announced yet but they are (finally, it seems) turning over every stone.

• The smoke from Canadian wildfires that suffocated midwestern and eastern cities last month is back. Detroit, Chicago, Minneapolis, and even Washington, DC, reported some of the worst air quality in the world on Wednesday. Might finally be time to build that wall we keep hearing about—as high as possible please. 
   
• After record temperatures of around 120 in many large Texas cities, the state legislature has banned water breaks. Evil doesn’t take a break, why should dying workers? 
   
• One of the most active pro-Ron DeSantis influencers on Twitter has been exposed for his racist telegram messages written in 2019 and 2020, and Donald Trump's racist influencers are pretending to be mad about it. Let them fight, as we say.
   
• Koreans have reversed a system for age counting that made some of them nearly two years older than those in the rest of the world. Until this change, Koreans considered themselves 'age one' on the day they were born, and everyone in the country added a year to their age on January 1 of each year. Koreans worried about false aging can all breathe a PSY of relief. 
   
• The Bing is Back, baby. Thanks to a partnership with Microsoft, if ChatGPT doesn’t know something, it can now Bing it for you. A terrible search engine may be our best defense against A.I. yet.
   
• Proven sexual abuser and human “hang in there” cat poster Donald Trump is now suing E. Jean Carroll for defamation. Well, he had to do something with all of his free time.
   
• More bad news for Donald Trump. Central Park Five member Yusef Salaam declared victory on Tuesday in a Democratic primary for city council representing Harlem.
   
• Former Maryland police chief gets EIGHT life sentences plus 75 years for starting a dozen “revenge fires.” 
   
• We finally find out why Cheryl Hines is married to RFK Jr. He’s ripped.

Ron DeSantis is losing a step over his about-face on The First Step Act.The First Step Act is intended to do two things: cut unnecessarily long federal sentences and improve conditions in federal prisons. He now says he hates it and has started calling it “the jailbreak bill.” Hmm. He voted for it. He praised it. And it’s working. According to Department of Justice statistics, the recidivism rate for inmates released under the bill is only 12.4 percent compared to 49.3 percent of all federal prisoners. Despite the evidence, DeSantis has offered a well-researched and intelligent response, stating that the bill “allowed dangerous people out of prison who have now reoffended and really, really hurt a number of people.” That’s two “really”s. That’s a lot. Please clap. 

The recent change is likely a move designed to distance himself from Trump, who was president when the bill was passed, and who was a champion of it—like DeSantis. Naturally, DeSantis’s Never Back Down SuperPAC’s founder, spokesperson, and DeSantis’ own rapid response director have all reversed their documented views on the bill as well. DeSantis claims he didn’t vote for the final version of the bill, but most of the elements he’s now critical of were in the bill when he voted on it—DeSantis had resigned from Congress to run for governor by the time the final version of the bill was passed. The addition that would have lost his support, he says, was a provision granting the release of prisoners serving long sentences for crimes that now have lower statutory sentences. In essence, he’s mad that people are free who should legally be free under our current laws. 

Simone Biles indicates she'll return to gymnastics competition.

There’s now a real-life Malibu Barbie’s Dreamhouse and it’s available on AirBnB via lottery. Not a Powerball lottery, though, as Ken is famously lacking in that area. 

Door Dash says it will start offering drivers an hourly minimum wage. “But that’s our fun money!” said the five Door Dash board members, probably.

Take a snooze. Napping will slow the aging of your brain. As if we weren’t jealous of nappers enough already.