In the age of absolute identity politics, one of the most disheartening phenomena must be the rise of the far-right culture-war takes on manhood. Conservative ‘manfluencers’ amass huge followings by proclaiming that masculinity is under attack from progressive ideas and by presenting an aggressive version of masculinity that glorifies many traditional stereotypes.

If you feel similarly confused and upset about these toxic fire brands gaining so much popularity, Christine Emba’s recent opinion piece ‘Men are lost. Here’s a map out of the wilderness.’ offers a very thoughtful, balanced interpretation and a way to counteract it.

Emba acknowledges that today many (cisgender, heterosexual) men feel directionless, in part because “past models of masculinity feel unreachable or socially unacceptable; new ones have yet to crystallize. What are men for in the modern world? What do they look like? Where do they fit? These are social questions but also ones with major political ramifications. Whatever self-definition men settle on will have an enormous impact on society.”

One of the reasons why conservative influencers seem successful in their messaging is that they know how to “highlight positive traits that were traditionally associated with maleness – protectiveness, leadership, emotional stability – and encourage them, making ‘masculinity’ out to be a real and necessary thing, and its acquisition something honorable and desirable. And the fact that they’re willing to define it outright feels bravely countercultural.”

However, “if the right has overcorrected to an old-fashioned (and somewhat hostile) vision of masculinity, many progressives have ignored the opportunity to sell men on a better vision of what they can be. … To the extent that any vision of ‘nontoxic’ masculinity is proposed, it ends up sounding more like stereotypical femininity than anything else: Guys should learn to be more sensitive, quiet and socially apt, seemingly overnight. It’s the equivalent of ‘learn to code!’ as a solution for those struggling to adjust to a new economy: simultaneously hectoring, dismissive and jejune.”

Proposing a progressive, more clearly defined script for masculinity is often seen as taking away from the progress made by women: “Justifiably, progressives want to preserve the major gains made for women over the past several decades – gains that are still fragile. It’s easy to mistake attention as zero-sum, to fear that putting effort toward helping men might mean we won’t have space for women anymore. … I’m convinced that men are in a crisis. And I strongly suspect that ending it will require a positive vision of what masculinity entails that is particular – that is, neither neutral nor interchangeable with femininity.”

Emba believes a new model for masculinity that can counteract the one of the past needs to be able to gain popular appeal by putting the distinctiveness of men to good use: “What would creating a positive vision of masculinity look like? Recognizing distinctiveness but not pathologizing it. Finding new ways to valorize it and tell a story that is appealing to young men and socially beneficial, rather than ceding ground to those who would warp a perceived difference into something ugly and destructive. … In my ideal, the mainstream could embrace a model that acknowledges male particularity and difference but doesn’t denigrate women to do so. It’s a vision of gender that’s not androgynous but still equal, and relies on character, not just biology. And it acknowledges that certain themes – protector, provider, even procreator – still resonate with many men and should be worked with, not against.”

I agree with Emba that rejecting the old, unacceptable expression of masculinity has left behind a vacuum that many (especially young) men are struggling to fill. An unambiguous, positive new model that inspires needs to do more than simply point to the past and say ‘Not like this!’

One of the interviewees in Emba’s essay offers a memorable, if oversimplified, piece of advice for bringing up his three boys: “I try to raise my boys to have the confidence to ask a girl out, if that’s their inclination; the grace to accept no for an answer; and the responsibility to make sure that, either way, she gets home safely.” – Kai