Last time in Lake Nipples…

Delores turned her motorcycle into the driveway of the crumbling Poppingcorn estate, her dazed daughter flopped lazily in the sidecar, still struggling to process what had happened to her. She knew Esmerelda had a tough day ahead of her, but still had no clue about the carnal connection she had with the ruggedly handsome Bill Clams. Had she known, she might not have told him to meet them at the house to help explain the new evidence. Que sera sera.

And now… back to our story!

Esmerelda stumbled into the living room like Jell-O on legs; her body reeling from her 18-month coma, her mind reeling from seeing the sexy Bill Clams once again, her coral reef reeling from the memory of his gargantuan geoduck.

“Rest, baby girl,” said Delores, gently stroking her daughter’s hair. “You’ve had a rough go of it lately. Just sit back and relax, because we have a lot to fill you in on. Now everyone hang tight — I need about five minutes to set up the Powerpoint presentation.”

Delores left the room, leaving Esmerelda alone with Bill for the first time since their caramel-coated encounter. She couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze — her stomach felt like it was full of White Castles; her heart was thumping harder than Chumbawumba in a room full of tubs. She’d fucked him with such ferocity at Lily’s wedding only hours (plus 18 months) before, but with all her sexual she-beast energy spent, she was once again the meek, timid girl who only knew how to be invisible.

“It’s nice to see you again, Esmerelda.”

His voice sounded as if it had once been as gentle as his eyes, before it had been scratched up by a steady diet of bourbon and Sour Patch Kids, and good god was it hot.

“Back atcha, homie” she warbled in response. Esmerelda was very good at talking to men.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was in cahoots with your mom,” he half apologized, staring at his well-worn shoes. “I got caught up in the moment and couldn’t help myself.”

Esmerleda understood. As an intellectual, she knew that even the most learned of men were at the mercy of their dumb dicks.

“It was unethical, and it absolutely will never happen again.”

A shiver ran through her stomach and into her left nipple. Even though she knew further dalliances with Bill were a bad idea, she craved them. In fact, knowing it was a bad idea only made her want him more.

“What do you want with my mother?” she warbled, her question a double-edged sword. She’d watched her mother waste her life in the pursuit of justice that never came; lead after lead trailing into nothing, leaving her home alone to play with dolls and her imaginary therapist. In Delores’ hands, hope could be a highly dangerous thing. She also wanted to make sure Bill wasn’t banging her mom, because that would be super fucked up.

“I wasn’t looking for your mother. I was looking for your father,” he replied. “I never meant to find you.”

Esmerelda hoped to god he was referring to the case and not the banging thing, because again, that would be super fucked up.

“I’ve been quietly investigating a story for the Lake Nipples Bugle and came across something that only a bird scientitst could unravel. Yelp said your dad was one of the top five in the greater Lake Nipples area.”

Was.

Esmerelda was so busy thinking about Bill’s steamy peen, she had forgotten all about her dad falling out of a helicopter. Her face exploded into a fountain of tears.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry,” said Bill, rushing to her with a hankerchief in hand and dropping to his knees. He cupped her face in his strong, manly hands, his fingers totally ripped from years of vigorous hardcore typing.

Bill always had a gentle smirk when he spoke, even though a world of pain was poorly concealed behind his beef-brown eyes. What sort of ghosts lurked in the tangled, labrynthian forest of his optic nerves? She could have asked him directly about his past and his motives, but instead she chose to stay silent and speculate wildly, because that’s far more exciting.

He looks like he has so many emotional issues, she thought. I bet I can save him.

She looked at him longingly, her amethyst irises and glistening corneas begging him to come closer. He exhaled deeply to steady his nerves; his warm breath rushing across her gently pursed lips. She inhaled him into her lungs, his essence flooding her alveoli and leeching into her bloodstream.

Before they could kiss, Delores reentered the room.

“Alright, bitches,” she said. “Who’s ready for some Powerpoint?”

Will Delores pick up on the uncomfortable sexual tension? Is she secretly banging Bill? What’s Bill’s whole deal, anyway? Find out next time in another exciting installment of Lake Nipples!

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