Note: This post briefly mentions motherhood, but it’s not centered on the topic.

I told myself I wouldn’t write as much self-helpy stuff this year, but the topic of “being nicer to myself” has been sitting in my brain for a few weeks now, so—sigh. Here it goes. I hope this post is helpful to someone out there.

This week, I’ve found myself thinking back on all the mothers I’ve worked with in previous jobs and feeling immense admiration for each of them while simultaneously feeling immense embarrassment at my naivete at the time. I had zero clue what, exactly, they were facing at home and at work. The lack of sleep, the anxiety about a gazillion different things, the impossible logistics (honestly, how does one pump and work at the same time?), the emotional burden of being separated from a three-month-old (if you’re lucky and have had a leave at all). I wish I could go back in time and reach out to each of them and ask, Hey, how are you doing? Do you have the support that you need? Can I bring you some cookies?

I’m sharing this because one of my goals this year is to be nicer to myself and practice more self-compassion. But already, within this first week of the year, it’s been a struggle. Thoughts of, “I’m five months into this mom thing; why haven’t I gotten the hang of things yet?” and “I’m not putting in enough effort. I don’t deserve to have this job.” and the classic, “I’m not a good mom.” have popped up. These types of self-berating thoughts aren’t abnormal for me but very much the standard, something that I’ve worked on with my therapist in the past. Recently, they’ve ticked up and up in frequency.

I imagine I’m not alone in setting this goal for 2024; I saw a lot of “be nicer to myself” listed in people’s ins/outs lists for the year. I wanted to share a few reminders and tools that I hope will help us all be LESS MEAN to ourselves this year…

[Disclaimer that I’m not a mental health professional, and I only speak from my own experience.]

How to be nicer to yourself this year

• Expectations: One word that my therapist has repeated to me and has been immensely helpful in our sessions is: reasonable. “It’s reasonable that you’re struggling with _____ and feeling ____. What you are going through is hard.” I’ve found that my lack of self-compassion often comes from the unrealistic expectations I set for myself. So perhaps that’s the key to being nicer to oneself: to set realistic expectations. And then lower them an inch after that...