I had an argument with my girlfriend last week.

Nothing too serious. Just one of those conversations that, like changing the oil in your car, is required to keep your relationship in working order. 

Then I thought to myself, I’m a learned guy who tries to find a lesson in all of my failures and mishaps, so why not write a post about how I tactfully navigate relationship disputes so I can help my dear readers do the same?

Here’s what I learned from our little argument.

Implement these lessons during your next disagreement and your relationship might have a chance at being as successful as mine.

Lesson #1: The other person is always wrong

While the customer may always be right, your partner never is. 

Don’t even bother trying to understand their outlook, because they’re wrong. Babe, just try to see it from my perspective. Lol.

Once you understand this, move on to the next lesson. It’s guaranteed to cut the length of your next domestic dispute in half.

Lesson #2: Always interrupt them mid-argument

If you were paying attention to the first lesson, you’ll recall that the other person simply can’t be right.

So why waste time hearing them out?

Instead, cut them off in the middle of their explanation and continue stacking up the reasons as to why you’re right and, more importantly, they’re wrong.

Lesson #3: Avoid eye contact and use discourteous body language

If your attempts to interrupt result in failure, don’t panic. 

Rather than telling your partner just how wrong they are, show them with your body as they ceaselessly ramble on.

Roll your eyes. Throw your hands in the air in exasperation. Express irritation and impatience. Schlump down into your chair out of boredom.

Lesson #4: Never repeat yourself

You’re not a CD, so don’t repeat yourself no matter how much they ask. 

How is it your problem that they “don’t understand what you’re saying”? Your arguments are flawless and your position is righteous. Repeating or reframing your points sounds like something the losing side would do. 

And you don’t lose.

Lesson #5: Make assumptions

Something unclear? Just assume.

Clarifying questions are for losers.

Lesson #6: Hear, don’t listen. Speak, don’t respond. 

Responding would mean you considerably listened to your partner’s point of view and then thoughtfully crafted a reply.

But to respond, you would have had to listen.

And listening to someone who’s wrong is a waste of energy. While your partner is speaking, you should be thinking of what you want to say next, whether it relates to their point or not.

Lesson #7: Be defensive

Rather than addressing whatever issue your partner has, defend yourself dammit.

Who are they to have an issue with you?

You are perfect! You can’t be wrong! 

Lesson #8: Slide in other grievances anywhere you can

Since you’re already arguing, now’s a great time to bring up other, unrelated issues you have with your partner.

Have an issue with their friends? You don’t like the way they chew? They take up 90% of the bed and jam an elbow into your back when you’re sleeping?

Whether they can control it or not isn’t your problem. It’s all fuel baby. Toss it on the fire.

Lesson #9: Misdirect by bringing up past issues and attacking their character

You implemented all of the lessons above, but there’s no denying that your partner is making some good points.

Remember, it’s not about conflict resolution. It’s about winning.

So, distract your partner by bringing up past issues where they were in the wrong or attacking their character. Either will do. You just need to fluster them enough so that they forget the all good points they were making.

Lesson #10: Throw a Hail Mary: below-the-belt attacks

This is the biggest weapon in your arsenal and, honestly, I wouldn’t recommend bringing it out unless you’re really on the brink of losing. 

Some might label name-calling or zeroing in one of your partner's insecurities and vulnerabilities a low blow, but as some Italian footballer named Giorgio once said, “At the end of the day it's better to be an unpleasant winner than a nice loser.”

Armed with my wisdom, I can’t see why your relationship shouldn’t last forever.

An Ask: If you want to thank me for helping you never lose an argument again, please hit the “heart” ❤️ at the top or bottom of this page and share this post.

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Lots of love,

Jack