I hate to be one of those wannabe Hallmarkian Valentine's Day scribes who brags about his relationship, goes overboard with the PDA, and offers unsolicited intimacy advice—but I've been in a seriously committed relationship for nearly four decades. Here's the key to making it work: We're together every night and I always go to bed angry. First thing in the morning, we reconvene and I immediately get angry again. And the sex has been remarkably consistent throughout our relationship, especially after we overcame the nervous buffering of our early encounters. Yes, I've been in a relationship with the Internet since 1989. You had me at Welcome, you've got mail ... Here's looking at you, grid ... Love means never having to say you're Siri ... Unless I'm in a Wifi deadspot, you complete me ... We'll always have Paris (as long as there's an AirBNB available) ... You know how to whistle, don't you? You just go to YouTube and search for 'put your lips together and blow' (make sure safesearch is on) ... I wish I knew how to quit you (other than, you know, pressing Command-Q.) I know, I know. My love is antiquated compared to today's modern romance. AP has the latest: Artificial intelligence, real emotion. People are seeking a romantic connection with the perfect bot.

+ Kiss and Tell: From Wired: "Romantic chatbots collect huge amounts of data, provide vague information about how they use it, use weak password protections, and aren’t transparent." AI Girlfriends Are a Privacy Nightmare. (I don't care, I want the world to know.)

2

We're Totally in Sink

"The global average sea level has been rising around 3.3 millimeters per year since the early 1990s, according to satellite readings from NASA. And based on longer records from tide gauges, we know that rate is accelerating." Yes, you know that already. But there's another part of the story. We're sinking. WaPo (Gift Article): The East Coast Is Sinking. "New satellite-based research reveals how land along the coast is slumping into the ocean, compounding the danger from global sea level rise. A major culprit: overpumping of groundwater."

3

Law of Attraction

"'It was weird,' a longtime criminal-defense attorney who asked to remain anonymous, given his regular interactions with Willis, told me. 'I’ve been practicing for decades here. So has my partner. We’d never heard of this guy, and suddenly he’s lead counsel in a monumentally important case.'" Charles Bethea in The New Yorker: The Tangled Fates of Fani Willis and Her Biggest Case. "Will the Fulton County D.A.’s 'clandestine' relationship derail her effort to prosecute Trump?"

4

In the Nood

"His devotion to precision is astounding to behold, exasperating to capture in words: Three hundred servings of noodles (at 135 grams each) requires 30 kilograms of flour. But not just any flour. Over the years, Satinover has dialed in on the two types and the ratio he needs to hit the sweet spot of noodle firmness, a 13.2 percent protein level: 19,500 grams of King Arthur Sir Lancelot (14.2 percent protein) and 10,500 grams of King Arthur Sir Galahad (11.7 percent). Then, to give the noodles the toothsome chew and pale yellow hue he desires, he adds exactly 10,500 grams of water containing 330 grams of sodium bicarbonate, 150 grams of potassium carbonate, and three-eighths of a teaspoon of riboflavin." Chicago Mag: The Ramen Lord.

5

Extra, Extra

Mayorkas and Effect: "Republican members of the House impeached Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas with a simple majority vote Tuesday." NYT (Gift Article): Mayorkas Was Impeached. What Happens Next? (Spoiler Alert: Something that has nothing to with actual governing.)

+ Suozzi Moto: Maybe all the House shenanigans aren't playing that well with voters. Or maybe suburban voters are just tired of the ALL CAPS ALBATROSS. "Democrat Tom Suozzi won a special election for a U.S. House seat in New York on Tuesday, coming out on top in a politically mixed suburban district in a victory that could lift his party’s hopes heading into a fiercely contested presidential election later this year." (It's always fun when the future of democracy depends on the voting patterns of people in the district that brought us George Santos.)

+ Fertilies: "The most devastating revelation came this summer, when Hill found out that one of her newly discovered siblings had been her high school boyfriend – one she says she easily could have married." Woman’s horror story reflects loosely regulated nature of US fertility industry.

+ Basement Entrance: "Ms. Carryl supervises the meticulous bookkeeping. She keeps track of the expected — guns, drugs, samples of DNA — and the bizarre: a gold dental grill, a half-drunk bottle of Smirnoff and a weathered brown suitcase. It is stuffed with muskets." NYT (Gift Article) takes you inside a New York evidence room: A Plush Dog, Samurai Sword and 42,439 Guns: Inside an N.Y.P.D. Basement.

+ Pop Culture: "According to his obituary, William Post was a Keebler plant manager in Grand Rapids in the early 1960s when he was approached by executives at cereal giant Kellogg’s to create a breakfast food for the toaster. Post and a team of co-workers then developed the early versions of something he called fruit scones, but which soon became Pop-Tarts."

+ Drawing a Blanco: "Blanco’s son, Michael Corleone Blanco, and his wife, Marie, filed the suit on Jan. 17 in a Miami-Dade County Court, claiming the family did not authorize Netflix to use their 'image, likeness and/or identity' and wanted to block the six-part show from airing on Jan. 25." Griselda Blanco Estate Settles Lawsuit With Netflix Over Sofia Vergara Show.

+ Zero Sum Game: "Lyft’s fourth-quarter report initially forecast that an important profit metric was expected to climb by 500 basis points, or 5%, in 2024. However, the company informed investors about five minutes after the original release that there was one zero too many in that number and corrected it to 50 basis points, a much more realistic 0.5%." Lyft shares rocket 62% over a typo in the company’s earnings release. (In fairness, even the name of the company is a typo.)

6

Bottom of the News

Charlotte, a stingray with no male companion, is pregnant in her mountain aquarium.

+ The surreal life of a professional bridesmaid.

+ Sexily ever after: how romance bookstores took over America.