This upcoming election is letting us all know how it feels to be a vegan at a BBQ joint: “Honestly, everything on the menu disgusts me.”

On one side, we have a guy getting all his fascist ducks in a bootsteppin’ row. But hey, don’t worry, he vows to only be a dictator on “day one” (aka the political version of “just the tip”). What could go wrong? 😬

On the other side, we have the Crypt Keeper.

C’mon, the hair plugs are identical.

(Btw, I love how Republicans claim Biden is both a doddering old fool who can't complete a sentence yet also a criminal mastermind. Um, is he Mr. Magoo or DC Pablo Escobar? Pick a lane for chrissakes.)

Biden kept it coherent during the State of the Union and we all celebrated like an autistic kid had just scored a touchdown. Viva low expectations, I guess.

Meanwhile, the White House is ripping the media for fixating on Biden’s age. (Because the one thing Americans agree on: The media is to blame for everything!) But that’s like blaming NWA for gang violence in Compton – classic shoot the messenger crap.

People don’t think Biden is old because “the media,” it’s because they have eyes.

Any comedian can tell you about it. For years now, it’s been a guaranteed laugh to make fun of Biden for seeming senile.

In fact, mocking Biden’s age is actually pretty hack now because it worked so well in front of any audience. Trust, America’s fixation on Biden’s age isn’t because the mainstream media is telling anyone to feel anything. Some things are organic.

I wish he wasn’t the only thing between us and Con Man Don, but since he is: Biden should lean into being old and dull.

(Please don’t come at me with any of this third party nonsense. When someone wants to discuss RFK Jr., I'm aways scared a conversation about aliens will follow.)

It’s kinda nice having a boring President. Politics should be boring. Functionality is inherently dull.

One thing Trump’s got going for him: We can’t remember anything anymore. We’re so short-term-memory-addled that we’ve forgotten the daily anxiety crunch of his “chase the rabbit” administration. I can’t believe half the country wants to sign up for that assault on our collective nervous system again. It’s like we’re all Johnny Cash singing, “I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.”

America cares more about having a President who gives good press conference as opposed to a President who gives good Presidenting. Because Biden, or whomever is actually running his administration, seems decent enough at doing functional stuff. And when it comes to political strategy, give a medal to whomever decided to give Republicans everything they want in an immigration bill just so they’d have to vote it down because Trump no likey…

GOP: “What’s happening at the border is the most dangerous thing ever.”
Dems: “OK, here’s a bill that stops it.”
GOP: “Oh no, we can’t pass that right now.”
Dems: “But you wrote it.”
GOP: “Um, I can’t hear you – [fingers in ears] la la la…”

Well, well, well. Guess it’s not that dangerous after all, eh?

The Dems should keep going hard on immigration. Whatever the Republicans say they want, match it. Why’s that a good strategy? Because immigrants can’t vote! Yup, a solid strategy for winning elections is to focus on people who can actually vote. It’s baffling that is in any way tricky, but Dems have a knack for grasping defeat from the jaws of victory.

As for all this “Genocide Joe” crap that’s got Gen Z on the fence: Suck it up. Voting for Trump because you don't like Biden's handling of Israel is like marrying R. Kelly cuz you didn't like dating Chris Brown. Life is not a Preferences screen. You don’t get every checkbox you want. At least Biden won’t appoint judges who wanna pass a law forcing us to say “Happy Conception Day” instead of “Happy Birthday.”

Speaking of Alabamaniacs, how ‘bout that batsh*t State of the Union response from Katie Britt? The longer I live, the more I view politicians as bad actors. Not in the "engages in bad behavior" way – in the thespian way. They're just crappy performers who we must watch constantly audition for the role of "Politician #2." Her kitchen setting was on point since it was basically a self-tape audition for VP. And let’s just say I bet the folks from casting will “decide to go in a different direction.”

Jon Stewart going after her was great. He’s been killing it on Mondays btw – legit lolz even though he’s tackling the same topics as everyone else.

Of course the people who need to hear him the most won’t watch – just like they won’t read this.

If they did, I’d try to hit ‘em where it hurts (i.e. machoness). Like this: 👇

Hey MAGA dudes. Coastal elite soy boy here. (Technically, I’m more of an almond milk boy, but whatever.) The thing I don’t get about all your Trump devotion: I thought you were supposed to be a bunch of tough guys. So how come y’all gotta constantly bend the knee and do whatever Orange Daddy tells you to do? I mean, I get why Lindsay Graham’s into that…but how about the rest of you? What’s the point of all those guns, muscles, and horsepower if you have to constantly kiss some other man’s fat a**? You’re in the stands of the parade route talking about how much you love the emperor’s robes. Doesn’t sound very alpha to me.

And then there are all your shapeshifting politicians who let the dude mock them/their family members (e.g. Rubio, Cruz, McConnell, etc.) and then turn around and endorse him. That sure seems like the kinda cuckish behavior y’all are so obsessed with avoiding.

I mean, this scene made me feel legit bad for Tim Scott’s ancestors:

“I just love you.” “That’s why he’s a great politician.” As your guy would type: Sad! Ya know what us libtards call people who trade their dignity for proximity to power? Golddiggers. 🎶 Get down girl, go 'head, get down 🎶

Kinda wack that the only Republican left with any balls is Liz Cheney. Maybe she can teach y’all how to man up.

OK, gotta jet. It’s time for my Undocumented Draq Queen Antifa meeting at Comet Ping Pong – we’re gonna jam on pronouns for a couple hours! ✌️

Comedy

🃏 I post clips of my standup (and more) at Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube.

🃏 I have another newsletter all about the craft of standup: Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian. Here’s a good recent post there: Personas: How Larry David, Bob Dylan, and Woody Allen go to extremes.

🃏 I’m on the road upcoming…

Apr 11 - Austin, TX - The Creek & The Cave
Apr 13 - Houston, TX - The Secret Group
Apr 14 - Frederick, MD - Cellar Door Comedy
Apr 17 - Washington, DC - Whitlow’s
Apr 19 - New Orleans, LA - Comedy House NOLA
May 6 - Brussels - Insecure & Dangereux
May 7 - Luxembourg - Carlitos Comedy Club
May 8 - Leuven - Comedy Leuven
May 9 - Rotterdam - Comedy Club Haug
May 11 - Ghent - Amai Comedy Club
May 12 - Utrecht - Mad Cow Comedy
May 13 - Amsterdam - Craft Brewery De Prael

Quickies

🎯 Vegas was Miami for Italians until Miami became Vegas for Latinos. I don't know how that makes sense, yet it does.

🎯 You don’t have to tell us everything is gluten-free. Now they're doing it even with stuff that never had gluten. Like, I get it...you don’t have to tell me it’s gluten-free ketamine.

🎯 It's weird how everyone wears athleisure at the airport. Nothing could be easier than travelling. No lycra required. You ain't gonna have to row us to Memphis.

🎯 Imagine trying to explain to anyone from another period in history that we have an obesity epidemic. Them: "Hold on, the problem is you have TOO MUCH food? Get outta here."

🎯 Chicken sausage with scrambled eggs is the most disrespectful move ever. Us to chickens: "Ima grind you up, add some spices, and then eat you atop your unborn kid that I just fried up."

🎯 "He objectified me" would make more sense if men didn't treat objects so well. We'll treat a pair of sneakers better than our best friend. If a man objectifies you, that's kinda the best case scenario.

🎯 It's odd how AI and crypto (y'know, "the future") are both based on “WE NEED THOUSANDS OF COMPUTERS AND CHIPS DOING STUFF.” Feels like a regression. Shouldn't computers be getting better so we need fewer of them?

🎯 The future is not gonna be bots or new-age aliens or whatever. It's gonna be Elvis, Sinatra, Marilyn, and James Dean saying and doing whatever we ask. Up ahead: the past. Warhol saw it all coming. In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 MB.

Spotted

🗯️ Shiv Sengupta: “Hell looks like many things to many people. For me it looks like a trip to Costco.”

If asked to describe what it is that I so detest about going to Costco, I’d be hard-pressed to put my finger on it. Perhaps it is the miasma of desperation that hangs in the air like swamp gas, poisoning the patrons’ minds and turning them into a mob of cart-pushing undead. Every Costco I have ever been to has certainly carried the aura of a controlled zombie apocalypse. Costco, for me, is the crucible in which our toxic consumerist values are forged. It is the hospice which provides palliative care for our withering souls.

🗯️ ‘I’ll Take All of That Ya Got!’: The Story Behind Future Islands’ Legendary Letterman Performance, 10 Years Later

“It was weird—we got in there and people were just looking at us like we were crazy. And we’re like ‘no, we’re the band’ [Laughs]. We always toured with a decent-sized Mackie PA for the drums, a second JBL PA that ran Garret’s keys, and William had a big bass rig, And so we showed up and were like, ‘Where do we put our PA’s?’ And all the stage hands were like, ‘What is wrong with you?’ We didn’t have in-ears or anything. We were like, ‘It’s our keyboard amp,’ and they’re like, ‘No, it’s a PA.’ And we’re like, ‘Yeah, but it’s keyboards, and this one runs the drums.’ They just thought we were fools.” 

🗯️ “You've got forever, but that's no time at all.” Jim Thompson in “The Killer Inside Me” (via Stephen King):

You've got no time at all, but it seems like you've got forever. You've got nothing to do, but it seems like you've got everything.

You make coffee and smoke a few cigarettes; and the hands of the clock have gone crazy on you. They haven't moved hardly, they've hardly budged out of the place you last saw them, but they've measured off a half? two-thirds? of your life. You've got forever, but that's no time at all. You've got forever; and somehow you can't do much with it. You've got forever; and it's a mile wide and an inch deep and full of alligators.

Up ahead: Thoughts on John Mulaney, how the NY Times is like Taylor Swift, RuPaul, Jews and Sandy Koufax, what Jim Jarmusch taught Tom Waits, and more…...