Welcome back to a new installment of Bookmarked, a series where our favorite authors, readers, and otherwise bookish people share their best book recommendations and reading rituals.

I was thrilled when I heard that my friend Sahaj Kohli (you might recognize her as the founder of Brown Girl Therapy) was working on a book featuring several topics I feel passionate about: mental health, therapy, and the second-gen/child of immigrant experience. Well! Her book is out *today*, titled BUT WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY?: Navigating Mental Health, Identity, Love, and Family Between Cultures.

Mental health and therapy are critical for our overall wellness, but it’s often presented in Eurocentric ways. I know I’ve come across my own share of challenges in finding the right therapists who truly “get” where I’m coming from as a mixed-race, second-generation American adult. I’m really proud of Sahaj for being a pioneer in confronting this huge gap within the space and bringing forward a less individualistic, more inclusive narrative that can help everyone heal. The combination of part-memoir and part-research/advice in her book proves to be a deeply relatable and helpful format.

Since Sahaj regularly shares the most fun book recs with me, I’ve asked her to discuss her new book and share her best reading recommendations with you in today’s column. Enjoy! –Alisha

Get to Know Sahaj and her new book, But What Will People Say?

Hi Sahaj! You're the founder of Brown Girl Therapy and a licensed therapist. What is the best piece of advice you've ever received in therapy?

About a decade ago, my first therapist told me that I don’t have to hold myself hostage to the past choices I have made, especially those made in survival mode.

This was life-changing for me to hear, and it has stuck with me because I think it’s easy for so many of us to carry deep feelings of shame and hold ourselves to mistakes we’ve made. But these experiences don’t—and shouldn’t—have to define who we are. We are allowed to evolve and grow beyond who we once were.

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You've written over 100 “Ask Sahaj” advice columns for the Washington Post. What's one of the most memorable questions you've been asked, and how did you approach answering them?

Honestly, I pinch myself often that I have a nationally-recognized advice column! The most memorable questions are the ones where adult children of immigrants are torn between what they want and what is expected of them by their immigrant parents. This kind of representation in an advice column wasn’t around when I was growing up, so I feel honored to be able to help others like me with their precise struggles. These include guilt for wanting to move out of the house, not wanting to have kids, parenting differently, and choosing a partner your parents may not approve of. 

My advice is usually about offering tools and questions for the letter writer to consider so they can get to their own solution themselves. It’s a bit of how I practice as a therapist. I can offer new perspectives and guidance but I want people to feel empowered and to be reminded they have agency to make these decisions. Often, people seek advice because they are scared—of something changing, of making the wrong decision, of having a hard conversation—so my job is to help them tackle that fear so they can start to take steps toward their truth.

There are some heavy but important topics covered in But What Will People Say?  I imagine writing it brought up a lot for you personally. In the spirit of self-care, how did *you* practice self-care during the process of writing the book? What does taking care look like?

Oh man. Confronting the reality of my past, my relationships, and myself has been no small feat.  Writing this book is the hardest thing I have (voluntarily) done. I excavated a lot of my own childhood and young adult wounds, and I have had to really interrogate what I remember, what I still carry, and what my own role in my life story has been. 

This book led to a lot of deep and difficult conversations in my relationships and family, and I do believe it strengthened my intimacy with my loved ones. That feels like real self-care—not shying away from the painful, difficult conversations. 

Along the way, I also had to take a lot of time for myself. I read a lot of fiction, rewatched Gilmore Girls and Ugly Betty, and journaled every single day when I sat down to write my book. Like, I kept a journal specifically about book writing, and I would pull an Affirmators Tarot card and purge the feelings and thoughts coming up for me. This would help me start writing with a clear mind.

"Community care" comes up a lot in your work—online, in your newsletter, and even in a chapter in the book that pairs it with "self-care." Can you elaborate on what you mean by community care? Why is it important for you to pair it with self-care?

Community care is about considering those in your reach. This can look like sharing resources, mutual aid, and showing up within your own differing communities. It’s not only about helping us feel less alone, but can also give us purpose in giving back and using our own privilege to better those around us. 

This is tied to self-care because in collectivist cultures, how we feel about ourselves can be tied to how well we play the roles expected of us in our families, groups, and communities. So, other-care is a form of self-care because it can help us feel good about ourselves. But we are only as good to others as we are to ourselves so self-care is also a form of community care.

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The chapter "Love or Loyalty" offers tips for navigating guilt. I've found that guilt is a huge component of immigrant parent-child culture! As a therapist, what has been your biggest takeaway about guilt and how we might process it?

Guilt is such a common issue that comes up in my clinical work with children of immigrants. My biggest takeaway for folks is to remember that it’s an emotion that is telling you something. And feelings are not facts, so you have to interrogate and question it. While guilt can alert us to our morality and sometimes it is telling us to amend our behavior, just because you feel guilt does not mean you are doing something wrong. So getting clear on your values—and whose values you may be crossing that causes guilt—can help you process whether or not it’s telling you to amend your behavior.

Is there anything you'd like to say to readers who may not explicitly fall into the category of someone who grew up outside of Western values and norms? That is, do you think there is something in your book for them, too?

Yes! You may think this book isn’t for you because you aren’t a child of immigrants or bicultural, but the truth is you probably know, love, or work with someone who is. This book can help you better understand and connect with these loved ones in your life. My own non-bicultural friends will learn so much about how I experience the world around me by reading this. It’s a real gift you can give those you care about to be curious and want to learn in order to be a better colleague, friend, or person.

Remember, there isn’t just one way to be well and everything you are taught about wellness, relationships, communication and more comes from your cultural understanding. This book can help give you perspective on what else is out there when it comes to wellness. I hope you enjoy it.

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There is a chapter about talking to immigrant parents about mental health and how difficult it is. While I imagine a lot of us want to bridge that gap and make positive moves forward, do you have any advice for readers whose parents will not seek out mental health support? How do you continue the relationship while also preserving your own wellness?

It would be ideal if everyone  in our families would seek mental health care and take accountability for their role in our family issues. However, that’s not realistic and we can't control other people but we can control how we engage, or disengage, with them. We can control how we choose to respond to them. We can control how we manage our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when interacting with them. 

In going to therapy or doing work yourself, you can identify your patterns and triggers. You make room for your own needs and wants exploring what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate in relationships. You can learn how to regulate your emotions. Or how to manage guilt. Or how to set boundaries that feel appropriate. 

You can take everything you learn in therapy and bring it back into the family relationships—leaving bread crumbs for loved ones or modeling behavior that you want returned. Ultimately, when you engage differently in a relationship, the relationship changes. It may not be perfect. It may not be what you want. But it no longer has to be the same dynamic because you are growing and evolving.

Even more, you may consider approaching conversation around mental health by thinking about how you can use language that is accessible to your loved ones, finding inroads through pop culture (books, celebrity interviews, movies) with mental health themes, and addressing your loved one’s fear about mental health support. 

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Sahaj’s Reading Rituals

What does your reading routine or ritual look like?

I read every single day—even if it’s just a few pages/minutes. These days, I tend to listen to audiobooks more than reading physical books (though that doesn’t stop me from buying them). 

I’m a huge believer that listening is reading, and it’s a part of my nightly routine. When it’s time to brush my teeth and floss, I stick headphones on and listen, often falling asleep to an audiobook. I get big reactions from this, but I have anxiety and audiobooks on a timer are now essential to my bedtime routine and being able to get a good night’s sleep. 

I also listen when I workout/run 3x a week and I listen on my walks around my Brooklyn neighborhood. Reading a physical book is rare for me these days, but I will still try to squeeze it in weekly. I love reading multiple books at once because I’m a mood reader.

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What's your ideal/dream reading setup?

A strawberry daiquiri, a beach chair, a sunny day, and being poolside :)

More realistically, though, I prefer to read a physical book outside – on a park bench, at a coffee shop, and even at a bar with a nice drink.

What’s your favorite indie bookstore?

Yu and Me Books in Chinatown in Manhattan is one I visit often and love. I also loved the selection at Tim’s Used Books in Provincetown, MA. Also a big, big fan of free libraries (taking and giving of course).

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How and where do you discover new books to read?

I subscribe to Book of the Month, Aardvark, a Kindle newsletter, like seven different book newsletters from media orgs, and check my Libby app for new books every Tuesday :)

Can you show us your bookshelf?

This is my book corner that’s often got piles of books sitting around!

Sahaj’s Book Recommendations

A book you’d recommend to all your friends:

Obviously, But What Will People Say? ;) But also, Yellowface by R.F. Kuang and all of S.A. Cosby’s books

A book that impacted you during your childhood:

Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

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A book that would make a great book club pick:

The Arsonist’s City by Hala Alyan and The Change by Kirsten Miller

A book that made you think recently, or has really stuck with you:

Chain-Gang All Stars by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah and Between Us: How Cultures Create Emotions by Batja Mesquita

A book that gave you all the feelings:

What My Mother and I Don’t Talk About: Fifteen Writers Break the Silence, Edited by Michele Filgate

A go-to comfort read:

My comfort reads are cozy mysteries and romance! Some of my favorites have been the Finlay Donovan series, Tita Rosie’s Kitchen Mysteries, and anything by Katherine Center and Abby Jimenez. I haven’t started any Sarah J. Maas yet and I am about to, so I have a feeling that I’m about to go on a very fun comfort ride!

Thank you, Sahaj!

• You can purchase But What Will People Say? from Bookshop, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, or your local bookstore.

• Follow Sahaj on Instagram @sahajkohli

• Subscribe to the Downtime newsletter for more recommendations and conversations on books, style, and everyday pleasures

• Tag @alisharamos on Instagram with your thoughts

P.S.

I’m giving away a copy of But What Will People Say? to one of my paid subscribers! To enter, please leave a comment with the best book you’ve read recently.

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