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Today is the launch day of my paid-for version of this newsletter but I had some thoughts this week and wanted to share them first. I also didn’t want this newsletter just to be about that. Scroll down if you want to subscribe immediately!
Recently I had a bit of a disagreement with someone who didn’t seem to understand why I was finding something they were doing insensitive. I tried to explain but they just brought it back to themselves and their situation. The message to me was clear: Lockdown is worse for me than it is for you and you should shut up.
A few days later, I saw a tweet by the journalist Marie Le Conte who is isolating on her own in London. She was talking about how tough she was finding things but did a caveat for her tweet about how working parents of young children do have it worse. After an outpouring of support, she later tweeted that the reason she added the caveat was because she knew if she didn’t, she would be bombarded with loads of tweets saying “try having a toddler”.
Of course, I will now do my own caveat to say that if you have lost someone you love during this period and haven’t been able to properly say goodbye or hold your friends or family, my heart is with you. When we lose people, our natural tendency is to hold our other people close to us and I know I would find the situation impossible and I’m sending you all my love.
But in general, the one-upmanship I am seeing so much of is doing my head in. I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it myself in my more frustrated moments but as I said in a newsletter when all this began, we all have reasons to be struggling right now. Or as Dr. Vivek H. Murthy told Brené Brown: “Everybody has something in them that they are scared about.” (see below for the podcast recommendation!)
Although I am feeling for anyone who is struggling, I am currently feeling my deepest empathy for those who are living alone and have been stuck on their own for six weeks or more now. That’s a whole different level of isolation. It was very nearly my experience so I guess that’s why these are people on my mind and because those are the voices I am hearing a lot of in the Facebook group for this newsletter but not so much of in the discourse about coronavirus.
There also seems to be very little consideration from policy-makers about those who live alone and when they are mentioned in news articles about potential exit strategies, there is an assumption that they are older and invariably someone from Age UK is quoted. I’ll be writing more on this soon and not because I don’t think Age UK are great but because who is speaking up for single people who are younger than that?
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But the point is we all have reasons for struggling or suffering and we’re all looking at everyone else (on social media) wondering why they aren’t thankful for what they’ve got and wishing we have what they have. It’s sometimes hard to recognise how another person might be finding things difficult if all we see is their nice garden on Instagram.
In this HuffPost article about the rise in one-upmanship, psychotherapist Lucy Beresford said: “It has long been the case that trying to remind someone going through a dark time that the world is full of starving people does not work. In fact, it’s damaging, because it will feel to the person in pain that you are trying to minimise their situation or rubbish their feelings.”
I know I have so much to be grateful for because I am healthy, I have a nice place to live, I have company, I am still earning money, I have miles of deserted country lanes to explore on my bike and I even have puppy cuddles. What more could I want? And because I know how lucky I am compared to others, there are also waves of guilt I feel if I am having a shit week or struggling and want to moan or cry or rant.
But of course, there are still things I am terrified about. The obvious and big one, which keeps me awake at night sometimes, is that someone I love will catch coronavirus and die. Then there is the fact I’m freelance and have lost work and am wondering how long the work I do have will last if things don’t go back to normal anytime soon (which let’s face it, they aren’t). This, in turn, could have a huge knock-on effect on my future house-buying plans (AKA stability). Then there are the things I’m scared about that I find painful to talk about, which are mostly to do with how an extended period of social distancing – not to mention the financial and housing side of things – could seriously affect my chances of becoming a mother. If you are feeling this way too, and I already know I’m not alone in fearing this could be the long-term impact of coronavirus, then solidarity. It’s the most horrible feeling.
Perhaps the reason for the one-upmanship is just we’re all getting a bit fed up and frustrated at the moment. And so I’m trying to be kind to anyone who I feel is being dismissive of either me or someone else. This is going to end at some point, let’s not forget that!
Anyway, I thought the illustration above by @fertilit_arty summed it all up pretty well.
Stay safe everyone,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
Support The Single Supplement
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As mentioned above, today is officially the launch of my paid-for version of the newsletter. In the words of my favourite film, it’s all happening.
To reiterate, this newsletter you know and love will always be free and I really want to stress that for those who are worried that if they don’t want to subscribe, they will be missing out on The Single Supplement. You won’t be.
I have been so touched by all the lovely messages and emails I got from my announcement last week. Your support means so much to me and huge thanks to everyone who has already decided to contribute.
If you are still undecided, here are six reasons to become a supporter today:
You’ll be helping me to continue to provide a weekly newsletter, which thousands of single (and non-single) people read and enjoy.
I will curate you an extra piece of content each week which I think you will either enjoy or find interesting.
Each month, I will feature one guest writer or do a Q&A with someone cool/well-known/interesting/awesome who also happens to be single. This will be for subscribers only.
I’ll be doing other little extra bonuses such as monthly Ask Me Anything sessions and you’ll have the chance to connect with other lovely supporters as well.
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If you sign up today, you’ll bag 10% off FOREVER so your speediness will save you money long into the future, but you have to move fast to get this offer!
As mentioned last week, I am very well aware that people have lost work or had their wages cut. If you are struggling financially and need cheering up, fill in this form and I’ll get in touch if I have a gift subscription to give out. It’s first come first serve.
On that note, if you are a big fan of The Single Supplement and want to really show your support while also giving a boost to someone who needs it, make sure you choose to buy one, give one. If people actually do this, I will probably cry tears of happiness.
If you didn’t read last week’s newsletter and want to fully understand why I am doing this, please give it a read here. You can also email me hello@nicolaslawson.co.uk or message me on Instagram or Twitter.
What caught my attention
Alison Roman's Self-Quarantine Dating Life Is One Long Quest for Phone Sex
This article by Alison Roman really made me laugh and I especially related to this part because I usually don’t bother with dating apps and last week thought I would give them a go as things might be nicer and different given the circumstances. Anyway, here’s what she said: “In the “before”, I would have said the digital version of courtship was not for me … But we were living in a brave new world now, one without the option of human to human contact. And I couldn’t help but wonder: Was I going to be a brave new girl in this brave new world? So I decided to go on “the apps” with a positive attitude and an open mind. I would be vulnerable and confident. I would message first. I would not open with a quarantine joke. I would try (genuinely try!) to meet people, casually date, maybe even build actual intimacy. I would possibly send a nude.”
How to Salvage a Disastrous Day in Your Covid-19 Quarantine
This is not about being single but it was shared in the Facebook group and I loved it. I also think this section relates to what I wrote about above: “Take heart. It is absolutely possible to salvage a disastrous day, even if you are in a crippling multiday slump. It is inevitable that everyone will have both good and bad days over the course of this pandemic, and it is absurd to compare the peaks and troughs. The sensible approach is to ride the wave, and work cooperatively with the psychological challenges that each day presents.”
Dr. Vivek Murthy and Brené on Loneliness and Connection – Unlocking Us podcast
There were so many parts of this that I had to rewind that I know I will have to listen again. Brene talks to Dr. Vivek Murthy, a physician and the 19th Surgeon General of the United States, about loneliness and the physical and emotional toll that social disconnection takes on us. In some ways I think Murthy’s thoughts validates what many of you might be feeling right now. Social connection really is one of the most important things we have and when we don’t have it, it can have terrible consequences. I’d be interested to know what you think about this episode so do email me your thoughts.
The lowdown
I was interviewed for the Freelance Feels podcast. Although the host Jenny Stallard and I talk a lot about freelancing and how I set up this newsletter, we also talk a lot about being single and what it’s like to be both single and freelance. She also asked me the most common question I get when anyone asks me about this newsletter. Can you guess what it is?
This week’s community hang out is set up but please note I had to move it to Wednesday this week as I’m working late on Tuesday. I’ve created a Facebook event for those who find it easier to help them manage their calendars. Here is the direct zoom link.
This afternoon at 5pm, I’m once again hosting my weekly Instagram live. Today I will be joined by Tiffany Phillippou, who writes The Tiff Weekly and is the co-host of the Is This Working podcast. She was also the first person I did a Q&A with for this newsletter. You can reply to this email with questions or ask live in the comments under the video.
The Boob Club (book club)
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I am finally setting the date to discuss Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo. Join me on Saturday 15 May at 10:30am on Zoom! Hopefully that will give those of you who only just started enough time to finish. Looking forward to it.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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