This is the Sunday Edition of Paging Dr. Lesbian. If you like this type of thing, subscribe, and share it with your friends. Upgrade your subscription for more, including weekly dispatches from the lesbian internet, monthly playlists, and a free sticker.

There are so many layers to how a film exists in the world – how it touches people. There are the intentions of the filmmakers and the creatives behind it, as well as their experiences making it. Then there’s the broader social and cultural impact of a film –how it’s remembered in history. There’s also the more micro element – individual viewers’ relationship to a film and how it becomes a part of their lives. Sav Rodgers’ hugely personal documentary, Chasing Chasing Amy, uses the latter frame as a jumping-off point, though it investigates the title film from all angles. 

The 1997 Kevin Smith movie Chasing Amy is one of the most controversial films in the queer canon (even its place in that canon is up for debate), an unsurprising fact considering its premise. Based on Smith’s own relationship with the film’s star, Joey Lauren Adams, as well as producer Scott Mosier’s crush on lesbian filmmaker Guinevere Turner, Chasing Amy follows a straight man (Ben Affleck) who falls in love with a lesbian (Adams). 

My take on the film is that it’s well-written and features a totally knockout performance from Adams, playing one of the coolest queer characters of the decade, but it’s difficult to stomach Smith’s POV and framing of the subject matter. Many dislike the movie, though it’s hard to say whether it’s been definitively “canceled” or not.

Rodgers has a unique relationship with Chasing Amy. He first encountered the film as a 12-year-old in Kansas, where he was being cruelly bullied for the queerness he hadn’t yet reckoned with in himself. Chasing Amy emerged as a saving grace for Rodgers. Rather than seeing a “problematic” text for the queer community, Rodgers saw a self-assured, unapologetic queer character he could look up to. (As he notes in the Ted Talk that began the project, he hadn’t seen any other queer movies at the time, so he had no idea what else was out there.) Things got so bad for a young Rodgers that he no longer wanted to be alive, and Chasing Amy was the only thing that gave him a reason to go on.

In Chasing Chasing Amy, Rodgers is preoccupied with many of the ideas I cover in this newsletter. Why and how does pop culture move people so deeply, and how does this affect our ability to connect with each other and the world at large? The film does an admirable job of trying to untangle these dilemmas, though it winds up somewhere even the filmmaker wasn’t expecting. 

Rodgers knows what the film means to him. But what does it mean to other people? This is a question the director tackles with many of the interviews in the doc. He speaks with several queer journalists and media workers about their takes on the film, which in many instances are quite different than Rodgers’ own. He also interviews a number of people directly involved in the film, including actors, producers, and the film’s director, Kevin Smith, who becomes a true friend of Rodgers by the film’s conclusion.

The two most essential perspectives in the film, other than Rodgers’ own, are those of Guinevere Turner and Joey Lauren Adams. Turner met Smith and producer Scott Mosier while they were both on the festival circuit for their films Clerks and Go Fish, and was in part the inspiration for the film. (She also plays a small role in the movie.) Turner is friendly with Smith and seems to harbor no ill will toward the film, but she makes a crucial point about its place in film history. While her groundbreaking lesbian film Go Fish made waves in certain circles, it was Smith’s Chasing Amy that became a major hit, affording Smith opportunities that Turner and her colleagues never received. Turner’s testimony suggests that while Rodgers’ love for the film is unequivocal, the conditions that produced it were far from equitable.

While Turner’s comments point toward a deeper exploration of the film Rodgers holds so dear, the Joey Lauren Adams interview represents the true turning point of the documentary. Earlier in the film, Smith explains that he wrote the film in large part based on his relationship with Adams, and that he was able to work through his insecurities and immaturity as part of the creative process. But while Adams was the subject and the star of the film, she wasn’t its author. She tells Rodgers that making and promoting the film was a really difficult process, as she and Smith were in the midst of breaking up and it wasn’t her perspective that was being captured on film. 

Moreover, Adams explains what a terrible time it was in the 1990s for women actors, reminding us what Harvey Weinstein – a producer on the film – was up to during that period (and for years after). Adams wasn’t able to get the parts she wanted because Weinstein didn’t like her, and Chasing Amy represents a painful period in her career. As Rodgers lets the women involved in the film have their piece, it becomes clear how the nasty parts of Hollywood made Chasing Amy successful, oftentimes at the expense of women artists. 

Adams doesn’t stop there in complicating Rodgers’ project. Shortly after they sit down to chat in Adams’ home, she asks Rodgers “Are you looking to me for something that I can’t give you?” And then, “I don’t know what it is you want from me.” Rodgers doesn’t quite have an answer for Adams in the moment, but Adams’ at times brutally honest answers to his inquiries and her prescience at questioning his intentions make for a fascinating wrinkle in the story.

Indeed, as the film goes on, it becomes clear to us – as Adams may have predicted – that Rodgers is using the project as a way to work through some of the issues in his life that expand far beyond the world of Chasing Amy. In addition to exploring Rodgers' love for the title film, the documentary also follows Rodgers' journey coming out as a trans man. His relationship with his girlfriend (now wife) is a huge part of that story, as her unwavering support has clearly been one of the most significant factors in his growth as a young adult. 

A movie can be something as simple as a piece of film projected on the screen, but it can also be much more than that. It can be a lifeline for someone, as it was for Rodgers. It can be a form of cathartic self-expression, as it was for Smith. Or, it can be a reminder of one’s powerlessness, as it was for Adams. 

Rodgers’ connection to Chasing Amy represents a common experience for queer folks. Many queer people develop deep attachments to pop culture during moments in our lives when we need something to latch on to, or are looking for some sort of comfort. By the end of the documentary, Rodgers wonders if he really needs the film anymore, especially considering what he’s learned about its history.

He realizes that he has other things in his life now that lift him up (his wife, especially), things that he didn’t have when he was a kid. In this way, Chasing Chasing Amy is both a thoughtful exploration of the media that shapes our lives and a sort of It Gets Better story. A film can be powerful enough to give someone the strength to stay alive, but it’s getting out there and becoming who you were meant to be that really makes life worth living.