Early Childhood: Experts answer your kids’ tough questions about race and racism

This is a weekly newsletter. Sign up for a free subscription, and invite a friend to subscribe.

A newsletter from The Hechinger Report

Share

Forward

By Jackie Mader

“We need to talk about parenting,” my friend texted me a few weeks ago in the wake of nationwide protests and outrage over the death of George Floyd in Minneapolis. “I have questions.” Like many parents, she was now explaining and answering questions about nationwide protests and going deeper than ever into conversations about white privilege and racism. Her 4-year-olds, like my own preschooler, had many questions: “If there’s a Black community, are we part of the white community?” “Daddy’s skin is darker than ours. Is he Black?” Her twins understood racism, but not why people categorize others by race, and their mother wasn’t sure how to explain the historic context of categorizing people by their race in an age appropriate way.

Many parents have undoubtedly found themselves trying to answer similarly tough questions. Meanwhile, research shows how critical it is to have these talks and answer these questions: by kindergarten, children express many of the same racial stereotypes as adults. By talking about race, racism and differences, parents and teachers have a unique opportunity to intercept harmful stereotypes and normalize differences.

While parents can and should start introducing children from the start to different races through books and toys that have diverse characters and faces, four is “a really good age to start having these kinds of discussions,” said Kenya Hameed, a clinical neuropsychologist with the New York City based Learning and Development Center at the Child Mind Institute. “That’s the time when kids are so observant…they’re asking so many questions about differences that they see.”

Last week, I posted a survey on various social media channels for parents to submit questions and statements they’ve heard from their children in recent weeks. I received dozens of responses from parents and reached out to three experts, to help with guidance. They are: Kenya Hameed, a clinical neuropsychologist with the New York City based Learning and Development Center at the Child Mind Institute; Riana Elyse Anderson, an assistant professor in the Health Behavior and Health Education Department at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health; and Mercedes Samudio, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, parenting coach and author.

Before talking to their children, Samudio encourages parents to take time to face their own biases and learn as much as they can about race and racism. “A lot of parents are being forced into this space because of the world and the way things are going,” Samudio said. “So before parents jump in and answer questions, it’s ok to say ‘You know, I need to do more reading on this and figure it out and we can talk tomorrow.’ Spend that time looking at why are these things happening.”

Here’s how Samudio, Anderson and Hameed said they would answer some of these tough questions straight from the mouths of kids. (The race of the child as described by parents is included, because experts say answers to questions during race and racism conversations will differ based on a child’s race. Answers have been edited for clarity and length.)

Why are some police unfair to Black people? Asked by a 4-year-old who is white

Kenya Hameed: I would say, ‘Have you ever heard of racism? Do you know what that means? Basically, it’s when you treat someone unfairly based on what they look like and what color their skin is. And so, police have been unfair to Black people for this reason. And it goes back hundreds of years.’ I’m sure a child would ask more questions about that.

Mercedes Samudio: I would start out by explaining sometimes people who have power over others misuse that power. Also, explaining about how police are supposed to protect and serve and unfortunately, some police are taught that certain types of people are more dangerous than others…An example of this is sometimes if you think you’re bigger than another kid, you might push them because you can move them out of the way. Or the teacher yelled at the whole class because they’re an adult and they have more power. So when we have power, we have to be mindful of how we use it.

Why are all the garbage men I see Black? Asked by a 5 and 7-year-old who are white

Mercedes Samudio: One of the things to really talk about is access to resources, education and ability to continue on in your education despite maybe your socioeconomic status, or availability of resources to you. I would start out the conversation like that… We might have an overabundance of African American trash guys in our neighborhood for a myriad of reasons. Some of those reasons may be those are the jobs that were wanted or that’s what was offered to them and some of it may be because of racism. Racism isn’t always about people yelling out things and saying mean things, sometimes it’s also about people’s ability to get certain jobs, people’s ability to access resources for job training...I think for a 5 and 7-year old, what I would probably say is racism really affects every aspect of our lives. Some of the men you see might want that job…some of the men may have taken that because that was all that was offered to them and they wanted to provide for their families.

“Why are people saying “Black lives matter” instead of ‘all lives matter’?” Asked by a teenager who is Black and an 8-year-old who is bi-racial.

Riana Elyse Anderson: We have to acknowledge again that if Black lives mattered, we would not see differences in the way that police treat them or we wouldn’t see differences in their quality of housing or schooling or opportunity to eat nutritious foods. We wouldn’t see these differences or disparities. We would all have the same rights and opportunities. But that’s not what is currently the case, so asserting that Black lives matter is in fact identifying and acknowledging that they do not currently matter and we have to change that…Children understand the idea of equal and equality, so if we focus on this idea that it’s not equal, it’s not fair that people are treated differently. Depending on age…really focusing on fairness and equality is something that children get a lot. ‘We believe that all lives should matter, but right now all lives do not matter the same way. Black children are not treated equal. We say, ‘Black lives matter’ to ensure they can be treated equally.’

“I’m not white. No one’s white. My skin is peach.” Asked by a third-grader who is white

Riana Elyse Anderson: “I think acknowledging, first, that the child has made an observation. ‘Isn’t it silly we would try to classify people in that way? Wow, you’re so right. A lot of people have a variety of skin colors. It’s silly we try to create ways of grouping people.’ So acknowledging the truth of what the child said…The world we live in has tried to create buckets or categories for us. Sometimes it’s not fair. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense.”

How do I know which police officers are good or bad guys? Asked by a 4-year-old who is white

Kenya Hameed: ‘You don’t. And that’s the scary thing. In this country, though, it’s much more likely that police officers would treat you better than they would somebody who is Black or has a different color skin than you, which isn’t fair.’ Honestly, a white kid wouldn’t even have to worry about this. It’s helpful to kind of keep it short so that they can kind of absorb what you’re saying, but they may ask more questions.

The one thing I think about though is I wouldn’t consider that question and answer your ‘talk about race’ [with your kids]…This is just a small question.

Read more questions and answers on our site.

More on talking to kids about race, racism and protests

This piece by Robin Young for WBUR features child psychologist Beverly Daniel Tatum and discusses how to talk about race and protests with your children.

This piece by Rachel Kashdan for Boston Magazine interviews several experts for tips on approaching and framing conversations based on a child’s age.

This PBS Kids special features several experts on how to talk to young children about racial injustice and violence against Black people.

This piece by Child Trends provides research-based advice for parents on supporting children’s emotional well-being in the midst of racial violence and trauma.

Research Quick Takes

A rare bright spot during the coronavirus pandemic: a new report from the Making Caring Common project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education has found that fathers in the United States report feeling closer to their children since the beginning of the pandemic. Nearly 60 percent of fathers who were surveyed report that they are appreciating their children more; and more than half said they are paying more attention to their children’s feelings and doing more activities with their children based on their children’s interest.

“Despite women having entered the workforce in high numbers over the past 50 years, mothers have remained the primary caregivers of children,” wrote Richard Weissbourd, senior lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and a co-author of the report, in a statement. “What we’re seeing here is that fathers, many of whom had previously been consumed by their work, have developed a new sense of closeness to their children during the pandemic.”

Bonus: Access to universal high-quality preschool could close the reading skills gap between Black and white children entering kindergarten by 98 percent, according to a new report by the National Institute for Early Education Research. The report warns that if access to high-quality preschool worsens, racial inequalities will likely worsen as well.