Yesterday fear coursed through me when a swarm of angry bees began diving at me as I walked through the park near my house. I was on my way to water the plants in my patch at the allotments (I don’t have a full plot yet but a 8ft by 8ft square that my friend kindly let me have in his plot) and saw a man in a beer-keeper suit and two other people putting up signs. A hive of bees had been moved to the allotment that morning but the box had been dropped and the bees were angered and attacking those walking nearby. At least three people and one dog were stung. The woman holding the signs, which explained the situation, suggested I head to a different gate and as I began to walk in that direction, the bees went for me.

“Just walk calmly and they’ll leave you alone,” the woman called to me, not realising that one of the bees had landed on my head and was now tangled in my hair. It’s angry buzz was getting more deafening as it struggled to get loose. “There is one in my hair,” I called back. But there was nothing she could do to help. I was on my own with this problem. I weighed up my options, if I freed the bee with my hand, it would sting me and it would also die.

I was once stung by a wasp on my finger and it was the worst out of all the times I’ve been stung. It swelled up and was so painful. I didn’t want to experience that again, especially as I was on my lunch break from work. Plus I liked bees. I didn’t want it to die. The bee continued to struggle against my scalp. Buzzzz. Buzzzz. Buzzzzz. I have never been stung on my scalp and I really didn’t want to find out what it was like. Trying not to panic, I shook my head but it didn’t help.

More drastic action was required and so I started head banging. God knows what anyone who saw me must have thought but by then the fear had swallowed any embarrassment I would otherwise have felt. I knew I was close to getting stung. It was one seriously pissed off bee. Needs must so I threw my head forward and back and shook my head in between. My years going to rock gigs in my youth and getting lost in sweaty mosh pits was suddenly paying off. I did one energetic last bang and suddenly the buzz stopped. The bee was free and I laughed to myself because I had already decided to write this newsletter about facing your fears and then something had actually scared the shit out of me.

Accepting fears

My plan had actually been to write about an incident the other day when I heard what I thought was a noise downstairs and assumed I had a burglar, which aside from not being able to pay my rent is my greatest fear about living alone but I thought you might enjoy the bee story – and it really was a lesson in staying calm in the face of something scary and potentially very painful. It also highlights the different kinds of fear. There is the immediate danger kind of fear and there is also the dull ache kind of fear that comes with wanting something but either being too scared to try and make it happen or be in a situation where it happening is difficult or even impossible.

When I lived in London, I was desperate to live alone but two things held me back. The first was my finances and the second was a fear of what might happen given all the terrible things that happen to women when they are doing every day things like walking home alone. I also wanted to grow up and be an adult and saw living alone as a milestone in doing that but I was also scared to grow up and settle down. I managed to find a compromise; a studio flat inside my landlord’s house where I could access company if I wanted it and where someone would know if I didn’t come home at night. But here in Shrewsbury, I live fully alone. It was something I desired more than anything and yet it filled me with fear. The worst part about moving in was that at the time I was binge watching The Fall, which is about a serial killer who had a thing for brunette women who lived alone. I do not recommend doing this if you’re about to move into a place alone. I was a jumpy wreck that first week, especially as the walls in these terrace houses are like paper and when my neighbour ran up his stairs, it sounded like someone was running up my stairs. Ultimately I stopped allowing myself to dwell on what terrible things could happen and instead concentrated on what I loved about my new house. I accepted my fear was there but decided not to let it rule my life.

Reframing fears

I wanted to explore facing fears as single women and so I asked people in the Facebook group about times they had overcome their fears and what had helped them to either get over it or stay calm in the face of it. A couple of the answers jumped out to me. Janel told me that she used to be scared of getting older and still being single and what helped her get over it. “The single positivity content online has helped me reframe this period in my life as a special one. There may be a day where I’m married with kids, or long-term partnered. I don’t want to look back and regret not enjoying my single years for however long they last. If couples can look forward to the future together, I can do the same and not feel all this baggage. We owe ourselves inner peace,” she said.

Kelsey had similar fears. “I’m scared I’m running out of time. I want a baby and I want a house,” she said. But she had decided she wanted to enjoy life whatever happens. I asked what had helped her change her attitude and she said this: “Covid 19 definitely had an impact, and I have a disabled sister and I was focusing on my problems, and the what ifs. I guess it comes with being older, and appreciating what you have. There are a few things I need to do to improve my circumstances still, but it’s all within my control and I need to learn not to compare to others’ journeys.”

I absolutely love the attitudes of these women and what they said speaks so much to the ethos of this newsletter. The last line of Janel’s, in particular, is delicious. We owe ourselves inner peace! I love that so much that I have written it in my journal and know I’ll return to it when I’m feeling particularly fearful about something. We might not be able to change or get passed what we are afraid of but we should try to find a way to still enjoy the moment and find some peace and acceptance. And as Kelsey says, there is also a power knowing that many things are actually within our control if we do want to make changes in our lives.

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

There are also the times when we are totally thrown in the deep end with our worst fears and it is sink or swim (a bit like me with the bee). Ameya brought up something I know some other readers have struggled with and that is spending time alone. She said: “I was terrified of being alone. It was my worst nightmare. I exhausted myself trying to keep up a social calendar ad be present in the lives of my non-single friends so they could be backup when I needed someone. Then lockdown happened and I realised I fucking ADORE my own company.” She had the option to go and stay with her mum at the start but lockdown but said she realised it could be a great chance for her practice being alone, and now she is much more comfortable on her own, she doesn’t feel the need to fill her calendar up so much.

In a similar vein, Sue flew to India for a four-month solo trip at aged 51, following her divorce. “I cried all the way out of sheer terror and nearly starved to death once I got there as I was too scared to go into a restaurant alone. I paid in advance for a room full of rats and cockroaches and got into all sorts of risky situations but got my head around it eventually, had a ball and ended up spending the next 6 years travelling - mainly in India. Best thing I ever did.” She added that she lives by the mantra made famous by the book of the same name: Feel the fear and do it anyway.

When the worst happens

There are also times when you face your fears and it doesn’t work out. Viola told me about facing her fears of trying to get pregnant through IVF as a solo mother. “It felt the most right thing I’d ever done in my entire life when I was actually in the midst of it. It didn’t work [which led to] lots of grief, which was also terrifying, but I’m so grateful I tried. Wish I hadn’t waited so long battling my fears.”

I asked what had helped her overcome her fear and what she would tell her younger self and she said: “What helped was letting myself take steps towards it knowing I could pull out at any time if it didn’t feel right. Ultimately every step I took it felt more and more right. [I’m] not sure what I’d say to my younger self. Maybe; you have the power to make your own decisions, you don’t have to do what the doctors tell you; this is your life. Ultimately I made good decisions for my child, the best I could, even though I ended up a childless mother.”

She went on: “I’ve come a long way but I can safely say it was the hardest time in my whole life (and it’s been tough a lot for me). Maybe that’s also why I avoided confronting my fears of childlessness (and therefore going for solo IVF) too. Knowing what I know now about how painful it was, I can understand why I avoided it. And I’d say to my younger self; the pain does lessen with time, you will make your peace with it, although you may always be sad about it. There’s no way out but through.”

Avoiding the what ifs

As heartbreaking as Viola’s story is, I think it’s so important to recognise that we may face our fears and finally do the thing we have been putting off and then still not end up getting what we want out of a situation but there is a power in knowing you have tried and done everything you could. It’s still so unfair but she really made me think about the things I am avoiding because I’m scared and how, actually, I would rather try and not get what I want than be too afraid to never give it a go and be left wondering 'what if' for the rest of my life.

All these lessons are running through my head today as I think of the things I am scared of and I hope this newsletter has also given you lots of food for thought. Here’s a brilliantly cheesy music video in case you need to remind yourself that you are a true survivor, even if you feel like a little kid.

Have a lovely week,

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

What made me think

Gleefully single seniors: ‘If I wanted to feel complete, it had to come from within’

I love this article so much. I love what each of them say but this one is my favourite and it’s also where the headline came from so I guess it was the editors too. It’s a great lesson for us all. 74-year-old Bruce Cowper says: “I’ve been through so many relationships [in the past] because I think I was looking for someone to make my life feel full and complete. And I just came to the conclusion that I was barking up the wrong tree. If I wanted to feel content and complete, it had to come from within me, rather than looking for it out there somewhere, or in someone else.” YES!

Things you should check out

• ‘I’d like to think my daughter is proud’: the life of single parents – in pictures – I loved this photo essay. I wish non-single people would read this.

• I had ovarian cancer, was single and living by myself. But going through treatment, I was never alone. – Talking of fears, getting seriously ill while single is one of mine. This made me feel better.

• The Internet Said “Dump Him”, So I Did… – Loved this!

• No. 10. “I still believe in us!” – a good read about rejection and other things

• It’s Lonely Being the B-List Friend – I can’t help but wonder how much of what this writer says is in her head/how she is projecting how she is feeling onto her friends. I kind of wish she had written into my agony aunt column!

• Essay: Some of Us Did Not Die* – an interesting read when thinking about the pandemic.

• Impatience slows us down – I am so guilty of this!

• More single and older women opt for IVF in the UK – if the process was cheaper, there would be even more people going down this route.

• Apps promised to revolutionize dating. But for women they’re mostly terrible – agree!

• A new agony aunt column is going out this week so watch out for that if you subscribe.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram if you don’t already!

• I love this tweet:

  Nneka M. Okona 🇳🇬 @afrosypaella

  I’m 35 and legit feel like my life is just beginning. Just saying that to all my folk in their 20s and 30s who feel like they’re behind and are stressing themselves out to catch up. You’re not behind. Go at your own pace. All things in time.

  June 2nd 2021

  17,082 Retweets73,265 Likes

• Another tweet with some good life advice: “you probably aren’t worthless, so keep going.”

  Nicola Slawson @Nicola_Slawson

  Perfect advice for freelance journalists but also for life 💜

  Chris Stokel-Walker @stokel

  Guess what I'm trying to say is you will feel worthless from time to time doing this, and it sucks. The people making you feel worthless certainly don't intend it, and probably don't remember it. On the balance of probability, you probably aren't worthless, so keep going.

  June 4th 2021

  2 Likes

Words I love

The beautiful thing about going alone is that every triumph is yours, every consequence of every mistake is yours, everything that you have to figure out is on you. That’s a really powerful experience. And sometimes it is beautiful and positive and exciting, and sometimes it's negative and hard and lonely. I wanted that. I welcomed that.

– Cheryl Strayed

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter. 

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