How online dating turned flirting into a video game 🥀
This is the Rubesletter from Matt Ruby. I’m a comedian, writer, and the creator of Vooza. This is a paywalled newsletter. If you’re on the free plan, you’ll still get to read plenty of good stuff, but if you’re a paid subscriber you’ll get exclusive content sent only to those who support financially. Sign up here. Thanks! How online dating turned flirting into a video game 🥀On West Elm Caleb and the age of minimal viable romance.My first reaction to West Elm Caleb: I know this dude. Ok, not really, but sorta. He’s some midwestern pretty boy who lives in Greenpoint, has an ironic mustache, wears a baseball cap tilted to the side, listens to Tame Impala, hangs out at Kinfolk, buys maca powder, skate/snowboards, went to art school, etc. I can’t walk into a bar in Brooklyn without bumping into this kind of dude. It doesn’t surprise me that a lot of young women are furious at Caleb. Some background for those unfamiliar: He’s a West Elm furniture designer/f*ckboi who used dating apps to sleep around. A TikToker made a video about him and then every mid-20s NYC woman on TikTok was like “Wait, he sent me the same text! And he made me the same playlist! And then he ghosted me too!” Much clowning and dunking ensued because BAD ACTOR + MOB MENTALITY = GIRL POWER! That he was considered a catch in the first place begs a few questions, but I’m more interested in the big picture here. This whole saga feels like the inevitable result of swipe culture. Warning: Gender-based assumptions ahead! Bail if you’re easily offended by stereotypes! That’s right, I’m the kind of monster who believes that (typically) young men are dumb, just want to get laid, are visually oriented, and play games (video and otherwise) while young women have greater emotional intelligence, are better at conversations, favor attraction based on personality rather than appearance, and tilt toward meaningful relationships rather than casual sex. I know, I’m a real dinosaur! Next I’ll be arguing crazy sh*t like men are stronger than women. Before you come at me: Yes, I know there are exceptions. You’re a young dude who wants a serious commitment. You’re a gal who loves video games. I get it. I’m speaking in generalities here and I’m assuming you can handle it. OK, back to our regularly scheduled ranting… I’ve never understood why so many women have agreed to participate in online dating, a framework which turns romance and seduction into a video game that favors male tendencies. Swiping based on photos isn't feminist progress, it's the patriarchy's wet dream. It aligns much more with traditional male desire (i.e. attraction based on photos leading to casual sex followed by ghosting) than female. Remember Mark Zuckerberg creating Facemash in order to compare the hotness of female students at Harvard? Good luck using any app based on that approach as a launching pad for love and affection. I get why these women are angry at Caleb and his ilk, but I’m confused by it too: You signed up for a video game and now you’re surprised a gamer played you!? The west elm caleb saga is fascinating because it’s just girls coming to the realization that a 25 year old brooklyn furniture designer with a mustache is exactly the type of person that he presents himself as When Grindr, the first mainstream dating app, came out, I remember thinking, “Wow, this is great for gay men but will never work for straights because there's no way women will ever go along with this.” Yet here we are. It still kinda blows me away, actually. “Okay, old timer.” It’s true, I’m old. I spent my 20s without a smartphone. How dating worked back then now seems archaic: You were vetted by a mutual contact or you connected with someone at work, church, etc. With those approaches, there was some semblance of accountability. We had random connections too. Typically, that meant a guy had to be confident enough to approach a woman and talk to her in person. And then get her number. And then call her and talk to her again. And then ask her out. (Crazy, right?) All that pre-date conversation was great for screening. By the time you eventually met up, you had some real intel on the person. Plus, there was an upfront chemistry check! Remember chemistry? I’m not talking about swapping memes, I’m talking about sniffing pheromones. Sometimes, the nose just knows when it’s a no. While this old-school process was inefficient compared to swiping, it was a better path for those who enjoy actual (not text-based) conversations. You know how those Sex and the City ladies eat brunch and gab? Well, most straight dudes don't communicate like that unless we’re comparing fantasy football lineups. Removing conversation from the initial stages of the dating process was a big win for men who grunt. Jeff Allen explains how this all shifted in ”Why SOD (swipe/online dating) doesn’t work for most people”:
Much of society is now mating gaming. Tinder is just Angry Birds but with people. Hinge is just Minecraft with the chance of getting laid. And y'know who loves video games? Dorky dudes! They’re all about cheat codes and other hacks. Swipe life took away women’s home field advantage when it comes to romance. It traded in actual conversations for a world of swipes, emojis, copy/pastes, and "what did he mean by that?" texts. Somehow, women bought into making foreplay more "efficient" – and nothing could be more like a man than that. So when I hear stories about some dude who sent the same curated playlist to multiple women, all I can think is OF COURSE HE DID. This is the game that’s been set up for him and he's playing it effectively. To do this decades ago, you had to put in at least a little bit of effort to create a mixtape or burn a CD. Now it’s merely a couple of keystrokes. We’ve entered the age of minimal viable romance. Still, plenty of ladies seem to enjoy online dating. My advice that no one asked for: If it's working for you, then keep it up. But if it's broken and causing pain, you don’t have to accept it. And same thing with the rest of online life. Every article about the declining mental health of Gen Z makes me want to prescribe the same medicine: Get off your phone, make eye contact, go for a walk, talk to people, be a human being, and live a real life. They keep trying to sell us the Metaverse as some idyllic future when it's just more nightmare dystopian Black Mirror nonsense. Be a human being instead of an avatar. And while I’m on the subject of dating, we also need to talk about red flag inflation. Not EVERYTHING is a red flag. "He didn't text you back in three hours? RED FLAG!” “He talked about his mom on the first date? RED FLAG!” Oh, calm down. Love is about compromise. Ask any married person how they make it work. The answer: WHITE flags. You constantly surrender in a sustainable long-term commitment. You get used to not getting what you want half the time. The more someone talks about red flags, the more I assume they’re an egomaniac. If someone’s a diva who constantly flies off the handle about “red flags,” there's a good chance their addiction to ground rules and unwavering attachment to how things SHOULD be are why THEY are an undesirable potential partner. I shared all the above views in a Twitter thread and reviews were, ahem, mixed. Turns out social media isn’t the best place for a nuanced conversation about gender roles, love, and technology. Whodathunkit? Anyway, here’s some of the blowback: “Why are you blaming women for Tinder which was literally created by men?” “You’re attacking women.”
Right on. Love the buffet line too. Also, it’s worth point out online dating sucks for most men too. A few Calebs are cleaning up, but other dudes are having a tough go at it, as Allen explains in that piece on swiping/online dating:
“Work on your massive amount of internalized misogyny.” “You’re acting like men and women are distinct monolithic alien cultures at war with one another.” the essence of the pop psych/self care culture that has given rise to the “west elm caleb” moment is the notion that you owe nothing to anyone else but at the same time are owed the utmost attention, care, and consideration by others and anything short of it is cruelty “We are still in a pandemic. It's not nearly as easy to ‘go out’ and ‘socialize’ as it used to be.” “Women are becoming more comfortable having standards and maintaining boundaries. I'm sorry that seems hard for you.” “Incel!” “I’m a woman and I like video games!” “OK, Boomer!” “You’re mansplaining!” “Super cringe!” “That’s love bombing!”
Grand gestures used to be desirable (remember rom coms?). Now they’re a manipulative grift. Strange. Someone showering you with affection and then backing off isn’t some kinda trauma. It’s just how life and dating go sometimes. Don’t be shocked to find that gambling is going on in the casino. the west elm caleb stuff is emblematic of a certain demographics need to pathologise every minor experience they have, to the point any negative experience is 'trauma' and anyone who slights them is an 'abuser' and it's genuinely just narcissism “Stop victim blaming!” Wait a minute. I’ll be damned. I’m playing a video game now too; it’s just this one is “Argue With People You Don’t Know On Social Media.” Here I am buying into a framework that is leaving me dissatisfied and is the opposite of genuine human connection. Anger-inducing things are being tossed my way because the algorithm knows it’s the best way to keep me engaged. I’ve fallen into the same trap I’ve spent all this time lamenting. Man, these tech companies are GOOD at what they do. It’s all super cringe. Quickies🌀 Why do hotel breakfasts always end at such an ungodly early hour? It's like they WANT to see me eating waffles in my pajamas. 🌀 "I feel like you don't understand how transportation works." 🌀 Repubs: "Stop the steal! The election was rigged." 🌀 What the hell ever happened to Biore strips? For 18 months, we all had to use 'em to pull weird crap out of our noses because it was healthy supposedly (and weirdly gross/amusing). And then poof the whole thing vanished into thin air. It was the Amelia Earhart of facial treatments. 🌀 Questions about pregnancy should be called pregnuntas. 🌀 It's not that I don't believe in crypto or NFT's, it's just that everyone who pimps them is so remarkably obnoxious I fear being seen as part of their cryptobro tribe. 🎟 But wait, there’s more! Subscribers can keep reading for thoughts on Silicon Valley's fave artist of the moment, stuffed mushrooms, Adam and Eve, a fun fact re: Sex and the City vs. the Golden Girls, corporate America needing democracy, “the Black ass lie,” and the shelf life of podcasts vs. books. If you haven’t already, sign up to read the rest/support the Rubesletter. Thanks... Subscribe to The Rubesletter • by Matt Ruby (Vooza) to read the rest.Become a paying subscriber of The Rubesletter • by Matt Ruby (Vooza) to get access to this post and other subscriber-only content. A subscription gets you:
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