Today I have a very special bonus newsletter for you, as Angelica Malin, who edited Unattached: Thirty Essays on Singlehood has written a guest piece to introduce the book, which is out today! As you probably have seen I have written one of the essays for the book so today is a really exciting day for me.

Angelica first contacted me about the book when I was living with my parents during the first lockdown. I was excited and imagined writing something optimistic about single positivity. Fast forward to early 2021 and the pandemic was still causing untold misery and we were stuck in a seemingly endless lockdown and Angelica emails again but this time she has a book deal. It’s happening and she wants me to write about friendship. It was sod’s law that I happened to be feeling particularly bleak at the time and felt really apart – physically and emotionally – from my friends. But I wrote my piece – with tears running down my face – and now it’s out in the world for people to read in a book they can hold and hopefully it will help people going through similar hard times with their own friends.

Anyway, Angelica has written a really moving personal essay for you all about how bittersweet publication day is for her. It has a lovely message, especially for those of you who are struggling for whatever reason right now, and hopefully gives you an idea of what Unattached is all about.

Let me know if you get a copy (which you can buy here). I would love to know your thoughts.

Over to Angelica!

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

We can’t run from having to care for ourselves

By Angelica Malin

Ten days ago, the week before the publication of my new book Unattached: Thirty Essays on Singlehood, my dad passed away. Very suddenly. Very painfully. All in a moment, he was gone. 

Of all the things I thought I’d navigate before the publication of the book – a book I was so proud of, that I’d poured all my love into for two years, that I’d visualised being a bestseller for years before that - sudden loss wasn’t one of them. 

The title of my essay is ‘Take your broken heart, make it into art’ has never felt more relevant. It relates to a grim break-up, which led to my interest in single empowerment and the book’s creation, but I’m experiencing it once again – walking around with a broken heart, trying to create art. 

Grief has a funny way of upending everything. This week, I’ve felt like I’m hanging upside down and all the things are falling out my pockets. I don’t really recognise myself. 

Before this loss, I was in a place of being totally comfortable and happy being single. I’d overcome any desire to ‘keep up’ with everyone else. I was no longer triggered by other people’s engagements and pregnancy announcements. I’d found joy in being single and finally found my tribe of single women to share in the journey with.

Finding a partner was no longer top of my list of priorities. It was nice.

And then Dad passed, and everything flipped. I remember vividly standing in ICU, moments after it happened, and thinking ‘I can’t go through this alone’. 

We’ve all been there; it’s easier to feel empowered in your single status when life is light and easy, but in times of struggle, we naturally crave the comfort and solace of another. I felt suddenly panicked by experiencing grief solo, especially while the rest of my family are happily coupled-up. And, something more… a new sense of imposter syndrome at writing a book about being empowered in singledom when all I wanted was someone to scoop me into their arms, stroke my hair and tell me it’s going to be alright. 

Perhaps you’ve experienced that desire too. Perhaps you’ve had a difficult family Christmas and wished for someone to squeeze your hand under the table. Perhaps you’ve navigated a loss too, and just wanted to cry on someone’s – anyone’s – shoulder. Perhaps you’ve had a horrible boss and you want nothing more than to get home, have someone pour you a cold glass of Sancerre and listen to you rant.

Let me tell you this: it’s OK. 

Being single doesn’t mean you stop desiring closeness or companionship – and I think it’s important that we’re open about it not always being easy to navigate challenging situations solo. Don’t berate yourself for desiring a partner; it’s a natural human want. But it doesn’t mean you need one. You’re perfectly capable of handling whatever life throws your life – and let me tell you why. 

Because everything hard is an opportunity. 

It’s an invitation, to love yourself deeper. 

To show up for yourself like never before.

To recognise your own needs and fulfil them. 

Losing my dad in the week before the book’s publication is, sadly, my assignment from the universe. I’ve laughed out loud at times at the absurdity of it all; I wrote a book about being empowered in being single, and then I was thrown into a situation where literally all I wanted was someone else, the rough outline of a 6’ foot something man with facial hair, to hold the pieces of me together. 

But we can’t run from having to care for ourselves. It’s difficult, but it’s also amazing. What a gift it is to show up for yourself. To know that everything you need is inside of you – and that it was always was. All the strength, all the compassion, all the words of comfort. 

That you can, in the words of Emma Watson, be your own partner. You can pour yourself that glass of wine. You can run yourself that bath. You can learn to identify your own needs and greet yourself at the end of a day like a long-lost friend. 

jellymalin

A post shared by Angelica Malin (@jellymalin)

And you can ask for help from others, as many people as you like, and not rely on one person to be the answer – I always think it’s a lot to expect a partner to be your confidante, your best friend, your lover, your travel buddy, your support system, all at once. You can build a life that supports you, fully and deeply, and you can do all those things for yourself, without relying on someone else to make you happy. Being single is an invitation to do that work. 

I know sometimes it feels a bit… Long. That it would be easy to just meet some nice guy who would take away so much of that heavy lifting. But that work is crucial. It’s vital for building a life you love, one that supports you from the ground up, one that will hold you through every season of your life.

So, from my heart to yours, I want you to know that whatever struggle you’re going through or whatever you’re served in the future, that you’re totally capable of handing it on your own. I believe in you to do that. And I’m proud of you, too, to go against the grain in a world that’s often much easier to travel in a couple. You’re doing amazing. 

Angelica Malin is Editor-in-Chief of About Time Magazine, one of the UK's leading lifestyle sites. She is an award-winning entrepreneur and bestselling author of #SheMadeIt, a toolkit for female founders in the digital age. Featured in Forbes, Real Business, Business Insider & the Times, Angelica is a regular commentator on TV and radio on entrepreneurship, start-ups & women in business. She's featured on LBC, Sky News and TalkRadio as a business expert. She is the editor of Unattached: Thirty Essays in Singlehood, which is out today.

Powerful. Self-assured. Independent. Unattached.

Published today, Unattached: Thirty Essays on Singlehood explores the nuances of being single today through the voices of thirty women; with personal essays reflecting both the unique challenges (hello, going to a wedding alone), and the glorious benefits (goodbye, joint bank account).

Unattached shines a light on brilliant women stepping into their power, owning being alone, and reveals the true depth of female potential when we choose to go against what society expects of us and revel in our own strength.

• Order your copy now.

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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This issue of the newsletter has been supported by Vintage Books.