Know what Ruby makes Dr. Richard Tashman for dinner after he’s had a hard day doing colorectal things at the hospital? Absolutely fucking nothing, because she’s a goddamn bitch. Dr. Dick is used to her bullshit, but sometimes he’ll be like “IS COMING HOME TO A HOT DINNER TOO MUCH TO ASK AFTER A DAY OF ASS PROBING?!”, and she’ll say “I MICROWAVED THIS CHINESE FOOD WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME,” and then he’ll say “MAYBE I’D LIKE MY WIFE TO PUT IN SOME GODDAMN EFFORT FOR ONCE” and she’ll say “MAYBE I’D LIKE MY HUSBAND TO SHUT THE FUCK UP,” and then it goes on like that for another ten minutes or so until Ruby throws a bunch of food in a dish, pops it in the oven, and says “THERE ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY I MADE YOU DINNER” before going upstairs to drink wine in the bath.

Most of the time Ruby’s recipes are inedible, but this gratin made from ham and potato chips in a rich cream sauce is legitimately incredible. Of course, Ruby uses a can of cream of something soup instead of making her own Swiss cheese sauce, but for the sake of this Substack, we’ve made things a tiny bit nicer. (You guys deserve better than Dr. Dick who, despite all the butts he’s saved, is kinda an asshole.)

Ruby Taschman's Potato Chip Gratin

• 3 Tbsp. unsalted butter

• 3 Tbsp. flour

• 2 cups milk

• 1 ½ tsp. mustard powder

• 1 tsp. kosher salt

• 1 tsp. black pepper

• 12 oz. Swiss cheese, shredded

• 1 pound thickly-sliced ham (ask for “bone on” ham at the deli counter)

• One 14-oz. bag thick-cut kettle chips

• 1 Tbsp. dried thyme, or 2 Tbsp fresh (you can add more or less if you’d like, or use another herb/spice entirely)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Melt butter in saucepan over medium heat; add flour and cook to a light roux — about 2 minutes

Whisk in milk until smooth, then add mustard powder, kosher salt and black pepper. Cook while stirring till steamy — about 3 mins — then turn off the heat. Add about 70% of the Swiss cheese and stir til melted, then taste for seasoning and add more salt/pepper/mustard as you see fit.

Lightly grease a 9x13-inch pan or large casserole dish. Fold half the slices of ham and add in a single layer, then top with half the chips, being careful not to crush them. Sprinkle half the thyme over the chips, then drizzle on half the sauce. Repeat the process once more, then top with the remaining cheese and bake for 25-30 minutes. Allow to cool for five minutes before serving. 

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Normally recipes for the fine foods of Lake Nipples are for paid subscribers only, but since this week’s chapter got bumped back a week, everyone gets to enjoy this one as a way to say “thank you for your patience.”

If you’re a free subscriber, consider upgrading your subscription for more recipes; as long as there are suckers good people like you financially supporting me, I can keep writing this shitshow of a soap opera. If that’s not financially feasible for you (I totally get it!), mind doing me a favor instead? Share this recipe and tell your friends about the grand ol’ time we’re having. The more people splashing around Lake Nipples, the better:

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