I will bury you and your Untitled Nancy Meyers Project

We knew the murderer/squatter Jamison Bachman as a bedtime-story terror called Jammie

Every time I log into Netflix I’m confronted by the face of my dad’s childhood nemesis: infamous murderer/serial squatter Jamison Bachman, the subject of a viral New York Magazine story “Worst Roommate Ever” and a recent Netflix true crime docuseries of the same name. His eyes are blotted out in a promotional image for the show — this is supposed to emphasize how evil he is. He did a lot of heinous things, including conning people out of their homes, terrorizing and assaulting roommates, and eventually murdering his brother.

Growing up, my siblings and I knew him as Jammie. I never met him, but he was embedded into family lore like a freaky, demonic, phantom uncle. Jammie grew up in the same Philadelphia suburb as my dad. They shared a best friend (Bob F. from the docuseries — not to be confused with Jammie’s other docuseries friend, Bob B.) but couldn’t stand each other. Bob theorizes that Jammie wanted to be his only best friend and considered my dad a threat. Whenever my dad — a man blessed with the unbelievable name of Skip Bean — was around, Jammie teased him by saying “Hiii Skipper Bean,” in a high-pitched voice, already set in his malevolent ways. Continue reading →

The Substackers are pissed

Last week, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed into law the “Parental Rights in Education” bill, also known as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill — a piece of legislation so weird and psychologically revealing it could be subplot in an unsubtle political sitcom, if it weren’t so overtly cruel to both children and the people trying to teach them.

The new law bans any classroom discussion of homosexuality and transgender issues for children up to the third grade (for older kids, the topics must meet the bill’s criteria of being “developmentally appropriate”). It requires schools to inform parents if their child accesses mental health services, and allows parents to sue school districts if they take issue with the curricula. Disney, one of the state’s biggest businesses, tried to stay out of it. But they eventually came out against the bill; the right wing is now obsessed with claiming the corporation is filled with pedophiles and groomers. Farbeit from me to defend Disney, but this is a state that elected Rep. Matt Gaetz. Continue reading →

Warner Bros. and DC are reportedly putting a pause on any future Miller projects

Sentient cloud of body odor Ezra Miller is finally facing consequences for their actions after a week of wreaking havoc in Hawaii. First, the actor was charged with disorderly conduct and harassment after becoming agitated by people singing “Shallow” at a karaoke bar. A day later, a local couple filed a temporary restraining order against the Fantastic Beasts actor, who allegedly burst into their bedroom and told the man, “I will bury you and your slut wife,” before stealing his wallet and the woman’s passport.

Hmm, doesn’t sound great. This is a big problem for Warner Bros. and DC, the companies that make the DC Universe movies in which Miller plays The Flash. This is a time to rally around the actor and hopefully guide them to whatever kind of help they need. Just kidding, it’s a time for them to figure out how this will affect their profits. Continue reading →

This is what will heal the nation

It is not every day that we get good news. However the big man upstairs is smiling down upon us today, as it was announced in Deadline that Nancy Meyers will be returning to writing and directing.

According to the report, the untitled project will be at Netflix and that’s just about all we know so far. There is currently “no title or logline, but sources describe it as an ensemble comedy, which is right in her wheelhouse.” Suffice it to say this is already my favorite movie.

What could Meyers be cooking up for us? Thank you so much for asking, I have my own theories. We must of course adhere to the rules of the Meyers Cinematic Universe which are simple yet firm: The protagonist must be rich, white, and female and there must be the opportunity for the most gorgeous kitchen you’ve ever seen in your life. With that in mind, here are some free movie ideas for Nancy that I think she would knock out of the park: Continue reading →

And it's all Chicago's fault.

Mother and her special friend have been married for 10 years. Clearly these were not the best years of her life (those happened with Dead Father) but she has suffered them with grace and for that she deserves to be celebrated. Unfortunately her party was ruined. Let’s see how.

HAS MOTHER DIED?

Not yet.

HOW IS SHE FARING?

Um, she’s okay. Continue reading →