You might be the kind of person who takes things personally.

The kind of person that assumes others think ill of you. Always blaming yourself for the perceived slights of others.

Such self-critical thinking is unwanted, unhelpful, and (here’s the kicker) untrue. Which doesn’t stop you from spiraling into self-defeating, hopeless thoughts. And feeling immense sadness. Passivity and withdrawal become coping mechanisms. Avoidance, giving up or lashing out become habitual and self-reinforcing responses.

Lighten the fuck up. Step out of yourself. Unless you’re from another planet, the capacity for you to read someone’s mind to reveal what they think of you is entirely non-existent.

Such misleading thinking can become second nature. Over time it can harden into primacy response and first-order thinking. This is not good.

This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Such learned behavior is probably linked to a history of accepting responsibility for problems to take the pressure off others. Or internalizing the accusations of others. Such behavior likely began as a child when you didn’t know any better.

Thankfully you’re now an adult and can do something about such distorted thinking. You can learn to respond to your thoughts with more flexibility, more possibility.

Instead of faulting to default thinking, you can consider more realistic beliefs about yourself and challenging situations.

Dissect thoughts from feelings

If you tend to take things too personally, it’s important to distinguish how thoughts make you feel.

While it’s difficult to change or control uncomfortable emotions, you can choose to be more aware of triggering thoughts.

Look at how thoughts produce feelings. Acknowledge you’re working with a thought that may or may not be true, and then consider the feeling that came with that thought.

Your thoughts can be challenged, revised, or replaced with more realistic and useful ones.

Check if you’re mind-reading?

Next time you’re experiencing a strong or difficult emotion, tune in to your thoughts.

Are you second-guessing someone else? If so, what you think they’re thinking will not be true.

Take a closer look and challenge the accuracy of your thoughts.

For and against thoughts

Your thoughts will reflect biases in your thinking.

Consider the evidence for and against your thoughts, which will help you decide whether to stick with your original understanding of a situation or go with an alternative explanation that seems more plausible.

The best way is to write down your thoughts. Seeing them out in the open gives you more objectivity. What seems to make infinite sense in the mirrors of your mind can suddenly crumble in front of your eyes.

It’s not about you

Write down other possible explanations for what happened that don’t involve you.

Take your mind and your self (and your goddamn ego) out of the picture. Take a look at your notes. Compare and contrast your original assumptions with new perspectives on the situation.

Should you remain with your initial assessment or replace it with a fresh, more realistic explanation of what happened?

Become more balanced in your thinking so that you can decide whether or not to commit to your initial thoughts.

What’s useful

Explore, challenge and revise your thoughts to find what’s useful for you.

Write down ideas and strategies to avoid repeating useless thinking patterns. If you take things too personally because you regularly overlook details that would help you think objectively, acknowledge the biases in your thinking.

Give yourself credit for challenging and revising your beliefs, and be on the lookout for alternative explanations when you invariably find yourself in similar situations in the future.

Plan to gently let go of the urge to overthink things along with any unwanted thoughts and difficult emotions.

Go easy on yourself.

References

“How to take things less personally” Aeon (2022)

“Self-blame - Selective hyperconnectivity between anterior temporal and subgenual cortices and prediction of recurrent depressive episodes” JAMA Psychiatry (2015)