My darling, you are quite infectious tonight

Boy oh boy am I happy to see you! Well, just kind of. ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌ ‌

Boy oh boy am I happy to see you! Well, just kind of. The kind of boy where it’s like, does he have basic life skills and no overwhelmingly disconcerting facial features? Then he’s hubby material! The standards continue to be so, so low. Like Eric Clapton, who is still kicking and probably still coughing as he welcomed the not-so novel coronavirus into his system. It has somehow taken him months, years, eons of begging the universe for the virus, but it seems like fewer people are willing to spit in his mouth than he initially predicted. Strange, because his mouth is always agape. Another fan favorite, Ellen. And her merry crew of A-listers marauding around on her daytime television show for however-many years it’s been. She and Justin (Timberlake) have gone through so many haircuts together, and confide in each other that they still feel 25 years old. Now that's what I call maturity (NOT!!) But really, we grow old together, spending our lives on this crazy spinning rock, seeing out this thing called “life.” Just whittling the hours away watching our little screens, going on to raise little ones who will always tick-tock their lives away looking at their little screens. And then suddenly you have all these strong, nuanced opinions like, Yo Gabba Gabba! or whatever the cartoon du jour is. It’s all we can do in this life before we pass on, much like the This Is Us mother (Mandy Moore) will. Did Mother die yet? There is one more episode next week. Please click our penultimate review at your own risk.

Is He ‘Hot’ or Is He Straight?

By Tammie Teclemariam

If a man on the internet has a skill, talent, or job, it is important to first remain calm.

Heterosexuality conditions a lot of people to act against their own best interests, specifically straight women. And to my cohort, I have a plea: Before you comment that a guy is hot on the internet, I beg you to consider whether he is actually hot, or if he is just straight and something else.

I call it Straight+, a theory that explains the depths of the Adam Driver fandom as much as that of Steve from Blue’s Clues. Straight+ is enough to round up your average dude to a fantasy boyfriend, and the reason why, for straight guys, mere competency is stirring enough to dickmatize the willing, whether internet famous or not. It’s a situation that has overwhelmingly inflated the follower count of nerds, real estate guys, guys who know how to make coffee, guys who collect cast-iron cookware, male chiropractors, and beyond.

On the internet where so many genuinely hot people abound, there is no need to lie and upgrade every regular guy with a talent to hot. That is what real life is for, but only when you really love someone. Everything else is just, I hate to say it, parasocial, but also bad for your standards.

Other traits that can contribute to Straight+ are pet ownership, wealth, and height. Any one of those is enough, but they are often combined in those who pursue social media attention. When combined with an average-looking man, these traits lead straight women to lose their minds, crying “hotness” where none exists. Continue reading

Three Cheers for Eric Clapton, Who Has Successfully Contracted COVID-19!

By Kelly Conaboy

Hooray for the mouth man

It seems Eric Clapton has gotten his wish. The legendary racist, notable lately for his outspoken COVID-19 horniness and refusal to play venues that require vaccination, has finally gotten his dry, gaping mouth on some of those yummy COVID-19 particles he so desperately loves. Yes, the awful old bitch has tested positive for COVID-19, the virus he finds himself attracted to in a sexual way. He has always been hot for SARS-CoV-2, and now he is hot with SARS-CoV-2, meaning he is feverish (I assume). We cheer for his infected success.

Clapton’s team announced his COVID status via Facebook (obviously) explaining that the infection would prevent him from performing his scheduled concerts in Zürich and Milan. “He has been told by his medical advisors that if we were to resume traveling and performing too soon,” the statement says, “it could substantially delay his full recovery.” Darn those medical advisors and their “mass formation hypnosis,” whatever that is. May they never know the sweet nectar of virus-laden saliva droplets. May they feel the full wrath of the hunky God of infectious diseases, who is an absolute dime!

Of course, we must celebrate Eric Clapton’s big day in the way he prefers: by looking very closely into his yawning gullet. Continue reading

The Last Days of 'Ellen': Justin Timberlake Has Been on 'Ellen' 24 Times

By Olivia Craighead

That’s an average of 1.26 times a year

In honor of Ellen Degeneres’s show, The Ellen Degeneres Show, coming to an end after 19 years on May 26, we are chronicling its farewell season each week. These are the Last Days of Ellen.

We have finally reached the home stretch of this series. With only nine days left until the final episode of The Ellen Degeneres Show, Ellen is bringing out some true heavy hitters to send her off to the sweet hereafter (a life of predatory real estate flipping). On today’s episode she welcomed Justin Timberlake, who has been on the show — can you believe this — 24 times in 19 years. He was her second ever guest, and the first to ever receive the infamous Ellen-branded boxer briefs. The “SexyBack” singer is a true fixture of the show, as you can see in this compilation video: Continue reading

An Underrated Joy of Parenting: Media Criticism

By Tom Whyman

Nothing will sharpen your ability to hate a cartoon like having to watch it a thousand times

Maybe you're never going to care about this quite as much as I do, but James Corden's voice performance in The Gruffalo (2009) is one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life.

And boy have I experienced it. The Gruffalo has been one of my two-and-a-half year-old son's favorite books since he was around a year old. It's become the sort of book you don't even really have to read to him, because he knows all the words off by heart. When he gets distracted by something else, you just have to point to the right line so he can pick up where he left off (I don't know how he recognizes the words — I am 98 percent certain he can't read). The animated adaptation is free to watch on the BBC iPlayer, which is the usual way we watch children's TV, living as we do in the UK. Since my son discovered it a few weeks ago it has been on pretty much constant repeat, as he mouths along with the words and tries to get his baby sister to pay attention to what's going on, and uses his stuffed toys to act out what the animals are doing in it, with himself in the starring role as the mouse, who on TV is being played by James Corden, and who is terrible in it. Continue reading

Let’s Discuss ‘This Is Us’: Goodbye, Mother

By Kelly Conaboy

She’s on the train, and you know what that means

It’s the penultimate episode of This Is Us, and the whole Mother gang has gathered to say adieu. Yes, viewers are confused about timeline inconsistencies and no one knows what year it is (2034?), but the important thing is that we’ve made it here — whenever here is — together, to needlessly suffer through another torturously sad hour about a fake lady. Let’s see if she died.

HAS MOTHER DIED?

Yes. Continue reading

TODAY IN GAWKER HISTORY:

05/18/11

Will the Media Ever Stop Forcing the Planking Craze?

By Adrian Chen

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