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Teddi Mellencamp is just asking questions

Was “whoop it up” mama Vicki Gunvalson WOOO-HOOing at the insurrection? According to Teddi Mellencamp, the answer is an accusatory: Hmmm.

I’ll start from the beginning. Vicki Gunvalson, former cast member of The Real Housewives of Orange County, and Teddi Mellencamp, former cast member of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, are feuding. It’s for a boring and stupid reason; please imagine that I am explaining it to you in an exasperated huff.

During a promotional interview for the upcoming season of The Real Housewives: The Ultimate Girls Trip, Vicki and former Real Housewives of Orange County cast member Tamra Judge (who is also on The Real Housewives: The Ultimate Girls Trip) got to talking about Tamra’s podcast “Two T’s in a Pod.” Tamra hosts the podcast with Teddi Mellencamp. “I don’t know Teddi Mellencamp but I don’t like Teddi Mellencamp,” Vicki said during this promotional interview. “Something about her bugs me.” Continue reading

He's not very convincing

Welcome to the Fallon Files, a weekly-ish series chronicling only the lowest lows of The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon.

Haters, rejoice. Now that my beloved Ellen is off the air and presumably on a year-long vacation with Portia, I have set my sights on another baffling talk show host. This time it’s Jimmy Fallon, who devoted readers of this website will know I think is awful at his job.

For our first installment, we’ll be looking at what is a classic Jimmy interview. It’s boring, not funny, and the guest does not seem to be having a good time. He had Emma Chamberlain on the show last night and managed to talk almost exclusively about the Met Gala, which happened almost two months ago. Our boy has his finger on the pulse. Continue reading

They made a deal with the devil—worth it

Kate and William, those ever-loving and eternal Cambridges, both 40 and unfortunately at peak hotness, got double Dorian Grayed yesterday. Per the Daily Mail, the future king and Kate continued their birthday blitz PR tour with a stop at the University of Cambridge’s Fitzwilliam Museum to see their new joint portrait, painted by Jamie Coreth, pictured with his Faustian work below.

Hey, hey, now that’s quite a cracking good likeness! Kate stuns in a dress by The Vampire’s Wife (a coded message?!) and a pair of Manolo Blahniks that Carrie wore in blue at her wedding and then when she failed to resuscitate Big in the shower (okay, we get it!). William’s in whatever. He’s doing the Angelina Jolie leg and looking towards the future, or maybe the past. The expression on their faces convey a shared but internal contentment amid a backdrop of a global pandemic, recession, and parliamentary infighting. They’re calm. They won’t ever age like the rest of their family, or British people in general. Continue reading

Time to upgrade!

Jennifer Lopez is, among her many other talents, the greatest living chronicler of Ben Affleck. Her newsletter subscribers already know; she is always sharing tidbits of their life together, be it in words, photos, or videos. But this past weekend, she brought her scholarship out of the inbox and onto Instagram, where she posted a montage of clips to celebrate Affleck for Father’s Day.

Why am I telling you this now, a whole two days after the fact? Well, to be honest, I do not follow J.Lo on Instagram, and so I was only recently made aware of the significance of what she posted about her boo: Continue reading

Jordan Castro's debut manages to be interesting while also being about spending too much time online

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The Novelist begins with the unnamed narrator (henceforth referred to as The Novelist, sans italics) sitting down in the morning with the intention of working on his novel, “a third person, present tense, short-chaptered account of three days in 2015, during which I was going through severe benzodiazepine and heroin withdrawal in a house where I’d just signed a lease with my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend, while the people I’d been working for, selling weed, called me constantly about the exorbitant amount of money I had lost in a blackout and now owed them.” The Novelist sits in front of his computer and, instead of clicking on Google Docs, where his draft lives, he opens Gmail, immediately derailing his day. Things go from bad to worse: he opens a new tab and clicks the Twitter icon in the favorites row. “I had specifically not wanted to click Twitter before working on my novel. Every morning, I woke with the general intention of not clicking Twitter, and, with varying degrees of effort and success, I resisted until I half-convinced myself of a legitimate reason to click Twitter, or, in a weak moment, clicked it unthinkingly.”

The Novelist checks his notifications, scrolls through his feed. “Twitter, over time, had proven calamitous when it came to getting work done. I clicked unthinkingly, often feverishly, and if I started in the morning, I would generally continue, unhinged, throughout the day, on both my laptop and my phone, everywhere I went, no matter what else I was doing.” He clicks Gmail again, then back to Twitter.

“Fuck, I thought, simply.” Continue reading